Page 344 of Dirty Discipline, Vol. 1

“Fuck you, Fox.”

“No, really. I honestly want to know. Because I'm not sure it ever has for me. I cared about Randolph when we were together, but I don't think I loved him enough. If I did, I would've been faithful.”

“I'm protecting her,” he said savagely.

“No,” Fox said. “That's not true. You're protecting yourself.”

He stared at Fox, anger surging through him.

“You know what I think?” Fox challenged. “I think you're a coward. Neither you nor Kate deserves this pain you've created out of your own cowardice.” With that, Fox turned and strode out of the room.

Dom stared after him, the anger draining till he felt nothing but emptiness.

She refused to play at No Return anymore. Fox didn't pressure her, he could sing lead for the Morphs for a lot of their songs, and was so good at playing any cover song he felt like, that they could play without her.

For two weeks her heart had felt like she was wearing a corset around her chest. She now understood that the word heartache was aptly named. Her heart literally pained her—so much so that she wondered briefly if she ought to see a cardiologist. She moved through her days doing the bare minimum she needed to get by. Taught her piano lessons, rehearsed with the Morphs, played at Club Congress on Saturday nights.

She spent the evenings going for hikes in the desert. It was still unbearably hot, but the monsoons had arrived, and the hour before sundown became her time to get out and commune with nature, trying in vain to ease her agitated state. She'd planned a hike that evening up Tumamoc Hill with her friend Kelly.

“Hey,” Kate said heavily, when she picked Kelly up.

“Hi.” Kelly was good about just honoring her depressed state without expressing the sympathy that would cause her to burst into tears. Kate felt like she could just “be” with her—talk about her feelings if she wanted, or not, as the mood struck her.

Tumamoc Hill was a steep hike that was very close to where she lived. They kept a brisk pace, which left her fairly winded. After a while, her senses felt nourished by the smell of creosote and the bloom of little green shoots, nurtured into life by the recent monsoons. Finally she spoke. “The thing that's stupid about all this, is that we were only together for two months. I don't understand why I'm so broken up about it.”

“It doesn't matter. You feel what you feel, you don't need to start judging yourself for your feelings.”

The clouds were starting to build for a monsoon. The air had an electric feeling and they could see lightening on the far east side of town. They picked up their pace.

“I'm late,” she confessed, keeping her eyes fixed on the wall of black clouds that was getting closer by the minute.

Kelly stopped walking. “Have you taken a test?”

“No. He said he wasn't able to have kids, so it seems like a fluke.”

“He's had a vasectomy?”

“Um, yeah.” She didn't like lying to Kelly, but explaining that her ex-boyfriend was a vampire would be too difficult, even if Fox hadn't made it impossible for her to do.

“Well, even vasectomies are only 99 percent effective. You should take a test, just to be sure. Then it's one less thing you have to dwell on right now.”

“Okay,” she sighed.

“Let's pick one up on the way home and you can do it while I'm there. Unless you want to be alone.”

“No, I'd like you to be there. Thanks.”

They finished the rest of the hike in relative silence, making it back to the Mini Cooper as the first huge drops started to pelt down. She drove in a torrential downpour, the wipers moving at their highest speed without making a dent in the sheets of warm water on the windshield. She stopped at Walgreens and got soaked running in to pick up an EPT test kit.

They sat in the car to wait for the rain to let up before they drove to her house. She cracked open the box and read the directions as they fogged up the windows with their breath and heat inside the car. The directions said it was best to use the first pee of the morning, but now that she'd bought a test and Kelly was there, she wasn't about to wait.

“Any thoughts or feelings on what you might do if you are?” Kelly asked.

She sighed and tears burned her eyes. “I'd keep it. I've wanted to be a mother my whole life. Even this way. And it's not like he wouldn't pay child support, or whatever. He's loaded,” she said bitterly.

The monsoon passed as quickly as it had come, and she started the car and drove home. Kelly came in and she peed on the stick. And waited the long two minutes. A plus sign appeared. Pregnant. She handed it wordlessly to Kelly, who simply opened her arms to give her a hug.

“I'm sorry, sugar,” Kelly said. “Or congratulations. Whichever feels more appropriate.”

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