Page 30 of Dirty Discipline, Vol. 2

She felt the familiar tug of submission, reminding her of her natural desire to submit to a stronger man. She'd spent thousands of hours studying the psychology behind dominance and submission. It was her specialty. Still, resentment flared within that she couldn't stop it from happening within her own mind. She was an intelligent, strong woman. Understanding the reasons why she still yearned to submit to the will of a man didn't make her any less pissed when she couldn't stop it from happening.

All of the damn research, and I'm still no closer to being able to stop my own mind from betraying me. Life would be so much easier if I could just settle for a vanilla relationship.

Her inner anger flared, making it harder to hold up her protective shield. Her brother waited her out, seeming to understand she was waging an internal emotional struggle.

"Fine. I don't want to go because my area of specialization isn't well received in the psychological community. It's easier to just stay home than to go and feel like everyone around me is ridiculing me."

She detected disbelief as her brother answered. "I bet you're just being paranoid, Trace. You're a published professional. Why wouldn't they want to hear what you have to say? Are you sure this isn't more about fear of public speaking?"

"I'm sure. Public speaking makes me a little nervous on its own, but it's the fear of getting rotten tomatoes thrown at me that has me dreading it."

He laughed at her. Too bad she hadn't been exaggerating. "Now you're being ridiculous, but I'll play along. What about your study of relationship dynamics do you think they don't respect?"

They were at the heart of her lie. The reason she'd avoided this discussion for months. If she couldn't even talk about this with her brother, the man who loved her most in the world and who lived in Eagle’s Pass as the head of household in his domestic discipline marriage, how in the world could she get up in front of a bunch of professionals and talk about it?

Again, he waited patiently. The silence between them finally forced the words from her.

"I just don't think they want to hear about the kind of relationships I've studied."

"Marriages?"

"A bit more specific."

"Sexual relationships?"

"A bit more specific."

"Rather than playing this guessing game, why not tell me the title of your work?"

Traci took a deep breath before continuing. "The Intimacy of Dominance and Submission. I study the psychology behind what makes Doms and HoH's need to dominate and protect. I also study the psychology of why some people long to be submissive, both sexually and domestically."

Troy whistled softly. "Well, you certainly have a hot-bed of test subjects here in Eagle’s Pass. At least that explains in part what made you want to move here, to live your research."

Traci snorted an unladylike sound. "Researching others, yes. I wouldn't say I'm living my research." Traci had to push down the now familiar self-pity she'd been fighting since last year's conference.

Troy didn't seem to notice and pressed on. "But, I don't understand. This seems like a very legitimate topic to present on."

"If I stopped with the psychology of D/s, it might be. I dig a bit deeper."

"And?"

"And, the heart of my research revolves around corporal punishment and the need for delivering and receiving discipline."

"You mean spanking."

"Among other things. I delve into everything from the psychology behind DD relationships to hard-core BDSM master/slave relationships and everything in between. I've focused a lot on defining the difference between abuse and discipline. How humiliation and pain factor into the dynamics of D/s. It's actually very interesting stuff. I've developed several screenings to help couples understand their deepest drivers to better predict long term compatibility in relationships."

Troy took time to internalize her words before he continued. "Honestly, learning this only makes me admire you all the more, Trace. More than ever, I don't understand why you don't want to go and represent your hard work?"

"Let's just say many people choose to live here in Eagle’s Pass to escape the judgmental crap from people outside our community who don't want to understand. The topic makes them uncomfortable and instead of studying it to learn more, they decide to act like immature jerks, ridiculing me and my research."

"I bet you're just being paranoid."

Traci's anger flared. "My nickname at the last conference was the 'Spanko Shrink'. Some of the worst offenders were kind enough to have an official name-tag created for me and had it in large letters on the name plate that sat in front of me as I sat at the head table last year. I couldn't figure out why people seemed to be pointing and snickering. Thankfully, an acquaintance of mine was kind enough to walk up and take it down."

"Oh, for Christ's sake. I've never heard of such immature behavior. These were actual psychologists?"

"Yes, Troy. That's what I'm trying to say. These are the same peers who will be sitting in the ballroom to listen to my keynote speech this year. Waiting to laugh and ridicule. Waiting to do who knows what to humiliate me. In my personal relationships, I may admit to living closer to the submissive end of the continuum, but I'd prefer not to be humiliated in public in front of professional peers."

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