Page 98 of Beautiful Broken Vengeance

“Hey, you are not a bad mom. Your body is going through a lot right now. Everything feels like it’s dialed up to one hundred. It doesn’t matter it’s a baby, our baby, and you’re feeding him. The feeling of someone different with their mouth on your breast when it’s only ever been me is jarring. Especially with how much I love sucking your breasts and how much you love having them sucked. It’s not easy to turn that off. It isn’t the same but it doesn’t mean it’s okay in your mind. People want to scream breastfeeding isn’t sexual it’s feeding. But your body wasn’t made to just feed, there’s pleasure too. It’s a slippery slope of thinking that your body isn’t for you—it’s to feed the baby. And that’s bullshit. Your body is yours alone. Baby or not. Not all women breastfeed and some women can’t breastfeed. The only reason you need is you don’t want to.”

Relief pours through me. “I was sure it was gross of me. Feeding him isn’t supposed to be sexual and it wasn’t really other than it felt wrong. I didn’t want his mouth on me, I only wanted yours. It’s why the pump wasn’t so bad—it’s not a mouth.”

“There is no switch that magically flips for you to go from a woman to only a source of food for someone. It doesn’t matter if it’s not sexual, you are still a woman with sexual needs and desires. Hell, I felt guilty as fuck for getting hard watching you use the breast pump.” For the first time ever, Daddy blushes.

Oh my god, I’m a freak. His admission is making my nipples hard. I was fearful he wouldn’t like the changes in my breasts. Now I’m blushing. He doesn’t miss a thing, chuckling he nuzzles my neck. “Behave, your hours from having a baby. And I’m weeks from sucking your nipples the way I can’t get off my mind. It’s time for you to rest.”

He’s off the bed using the remote to lower the bed so I can sleep. The change in position pulls a moan of pain from the spot the epidural was put in. Daddy’s hand is on mine. “Are you okay? Do you need me to get a nurse?”

I shake my head. “Please, can you hold me?”

Nodding, he’s back on the bed with me in his arms.

“What does tomorrow look like?”

“It can be whatever we make of it. It can be a lazy day spent in bed while I enjoy every inch of your gorgeous body or it can be you in front of the keyboard. There will be days spent playing with our son and telling him that daddy is so proud of what a pretty little slut his mother is in French, to tease the boy’s brain into being curious enough to learn French one day. Then we can end the day in each other’s arms the same way we’ll wake up. Anything can happen during the day. All that matters is we end and start the day together. We’ll figure the rest out. It won’t always be easy but it will always be worth it.”

With his promise and his arms around me I slip into the darkness but with him beside me I’m home—right where I belong.

CHAPTER35

Aleksander

My poor baby wakes up in pain. The epidural has worn off. All I want to do is take her home and wrap her up in bubble wrap so nothing more can hurt her. She tries to refuse the pain meds. I don’t care how much she cries, I have Amaya come in and give her something when the nurses refuse. I steel myself against her tears. It’s the right thing for her and the baby. If she can’t hold him without pain, it doesn’t help either of them.

I’ve never been so grateful for Celia as I was when she cleaned up Phoenix’s tears while urging her to remember there was no award for enduring pain for the baby. No one else’s opinion mattered, only her health.

I hated the way she cried again as she apologized to me before begging me to hold her. Milos warned me her emotions would be everywhere, yet I was not prepared for the way she goes from crying to happy and glowing, then tears again.

It isn’t easy holding her in the bed. Though it’s wider than a single bed it isn’t made for two. Especially when she doesn’t want to put the baby down. In the end, I pick her up, and sit down on the bed to hold her in my lap the way I would at home. Once I do it, everything in her eases so much she’s asleep in minutes.

The baby wakes up, he’s quiet, merely looking around. I’m wondering where the rush of love thing I’m supposed to feel is at. For what feels like the twentieth time in the last day I can’t help but be curious if it means I am indeed a psychopath or something.

He is cute. I see myself in him. I have no regrets he’s here. Yet, a part of me resents him for what Phoenix has gone through for him. I’m aware it’s absurd to resent a baby who didn’t ask to be here for the mental and emotional and very physical pain Phoenix is going through. Watching my wife in pain, I don’t feel like being logical.

I want to fix all her pain and stress she’s putting herself under to be a good mom. Thank god, Mother admitted to her that she didn’t breastfeed Milos or any of my brothers except me and Nikita. I had no idea she had nearly the same reaction when Milos attempted to feed Phoenix had. She tried with me but only managed a week before she gave up. With Nikita since she knew he was her last she wanted the experience but again it didn’t last long.

Then she stunned me when she winked at Phoenix and said she didn’t feed her children, but she fed her husband. I didn’t need to know that about my mother.

I expected the same shock I felt. However, I found Phoenix’s eyes on me with a blush. Instantly, my cock was hard. My mouth is watering thinking of it. I convinced myself her blush last night was due to hormones. She couldn’t possibly want me to do what I thought she did. I was an asshole who needed to put her needs before mine. Going without making love for a few months was nothing to all the pain and changes her body was going through. Except her eyes told me I wasn’t an asshole. And she wanted what I thought she did.

The baby lets out a little grunt. I know what that means. I hit the call button for a nurse. I’m not putting Phoenix down to see to him. There’s a brief knock. I call to them to come in.

I’m surprised by a male nurse entering the room. I was firm in not wanting any men in Phoenix’s room. The guy sees it.

“There aren’t any other nurses available now. If you’re okay with waiting, it will be another half hour or so.” He gives me the option.

“It’s fine. He needs his diaper changed. I’m not putting her down when she’s finally resting.”

With a nod he crosses the room and takes the baby. For a moment, even in sleep her arms tighten around him. “It’s okay.” I whisper to her. She lets him go with a sigh before settling back into sleep.

“When you’re done, please put him in the bassinet.”

“You know, she doesn’t resent him in the slightest. She will resent you if you do. Mothers pick up on these things. When it comes to their babies, they manage to do things you would never thought they had the strength to do. The whole picking up a car off their kid isn’t just physical, it’s mental.” He gives the baby a pat once he’s settled into the bassinet.

Sighing, I look at the baby. Shit. If someone reads me from less than five minutes in the same room, there is no way Phoenix won’t pick up on it. What if it’s what has her out of sorts today?

My phone goes off with a text. Milos is asking if we’re good for visitors. I tell him to give me five minutes. I put Phoenix down and cover her with the blankets. We’re in a birthing suite, it’s a room almost as large as ours at home with a sitting area.

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