Page 58 of The Lies You Love
“Dad, I don’t want him happy. I want him alive for as many years as possible. The vet told me people food is bad for him. Loving a pet is selfish.” Pork sits down at the edge of our oversized blanket and stares at the food Mom is taking out of the picnic basket. It’s been six months since Ramsey died and I got another new lease on life. When I started with Beck, I still hadn’t put Walker and that debacle behind me, so before I even knocked on Peter’s apartment door, I made the decision to erase Beck from my mind. It works most days—I’m not dwelling on what could have been if I didn’t have his sister’s heart, but on other days, it’s more difficult. He never came to see me after the accident, and Griffin hasn’t contacted me once. Even Tess, my only other connection to Beck, seems to have disappeared. Sometimes, I can pretend Beck never happened.
Peter has been patient with me, but I can tell he wants more, is ready to take me to bed and pelt me with four months’ worth of sexual frustration. I never planned to make him wait. I had planned to have sex with him the first night, but he was the one who turned me down. In fact, I think it was his hesitation that led me to give him a second date and a real shot, but now, as he stares down my shirt as I lean over to grab a banana, that chivalry is dead—replaced with desire. How do I know no one else will compare to that torrid, passionate, love-fueled month if I don’t try? A nagging feeling keeps me at bay. I sigh, and my mom notices. Peter distracts himself by untangling Pork.
“You seem sad about something,” Mom says, running her hand over the back of my hair. “Is something the matter?”
I shake my head. “Maybe it’s that everything seems right, or uncomplicated, and sort of easy that it makes me a little antsy.” An honest answer, and it’s earnest. I’m giving my parents everything now. I spent too many years pushing them away, and now I want it all. Every word, gentle touch, and picnic outing. “Thanks for coming, Mom. You and Dad probably had some other fun plans you had to cancel.”
“Auden, nothing will ever be as nice or fun as hanging with our only daughter.”
“I’ve said it a million times, but I really am sorry for pushing you both away after the accident.”
She shakes her head, eyes fluttering closed. “Do not even mention it. Do not apologize. You went through a lot and we kept a distance because we thought what you were asking for was what you needed. Auden, you may be grown up now, but we need you as much as you need us. We are a family.” Mom looks into my eyes. “There’s this interminable sadness about you. It’s like I’m looking at half of you these days. Is it Walker? Still? You have a booming career and Peter, what is it that’s missing? What’s causing you pain?” That evident, huh? Great.
There is one subject I haven’t opened up to my parents about mostly because I thought talking about it would set me back in my recovery. “The month where you and Dad were traveling in Italy; I was dating someone else.” Her eyes widen, but she gestures for me to go on. “Dating doesn’t define it, really. It was a little bit like our souls collided on some deeper plane.” It sounds crazy even to me. “I wanted to tell you but I knew it would end and didn’t want to disappoint you.” Peter grins at me licking his bottom lip. My stomach tightens with nerves and not an emotion more. Dread. That’s what’s keeping me from being intimate with Peter.
“Is he, is he attached to someone else?” She narrows her eyes. “What happened?”
“It doesn’t matter. The only thing that’s important is that the whole situation is impossible.”
She cocks her head. “Impossible was never a word in your vocabulary, honey. Difficulties, challenges, hurdles, sure, but you always overcame everything put in your way. The sadness in your eyes is palpable. You’re not fooling anyone.” Mom very slyly lets her gaze fall on Peter. “The longer you pretend you aren’t, the harder it will get.”
“How did you know that Dad was the one person for you. I always have these feelings about people, and I knew it was going to end with him, even if I didn’t want it to. It was like I didn’t have any control over the outcome. Something greater than us was rolling the dice and it kept coming out snake eyes. You and Dad always seemed destined to be with each other.”
“Your father was the only man who ever made me feel like being me was enough. Don’t get me wrong, he challenged me to be a better person, but he loved me at my core. The good and the bad, and life felt unbearable without him being mine. In my life.”
It all rings true. Every syllable. “I’m not sad, Mom. I promise. It’s not sadness. I’m a little lost. I’ll find my way.” Peter is playing with Pork off-leash. “It might feel a little different than I thought it would, but change doesn’t have to be the end of the world.”
“You’re right, but, Auden, don’t tell yourself lies about love. They rarely do any good.”
I offer her a smile as she bites into a sandwich. I get out my own and see a text from Betty on my phone. She wants to hang out tonight. Another glimpse at Peter ogling me has me agreeing on the spot. She was pretty torn up about Ramsey’s death. She felt responsible because her crazy ex-fling Hudson took his rage out on us, well, Ramsey mostly. I dream about her sometimes, but instead of the fond memories of our friendship, they’re dark dreams about all of the bad things she did. Ramsey is always the villain, and I’m always the hero trying to change her. In my dreams, I get close to convincing her to turn herself in and do the right thing, but she never closes the deal. It hurts to think I could have done something to save her, but even I’ve come to realize how awful she was. My grief was short-lived and somehow was tied to losing Beckett.
They caught Ramsey’s father in a five-star hotel in France. You know how they caught him? The realtor who tried to accost me in the woods. I gave his name, and they brought him in for questioning. He sang like a canary to save his own ass. Unfortunately, Mr. Taerpietier bit into a cyanide pill as special agents stormed his room and took the big sleep instead of prison time. Ramsey told me so many lies about her family to make herself relatable, when in reality there is nothing about her I can relate to. The stripper who was in the Rifts was another source of intelligence in disassembling the Rifts and locking them away. I don’t fear for my life any longer because they’ve assured me that they’re no longer in my city.
Peter tells me he’s going to run to the bathroom and I wave as he jogs off. “You should call him, honey. What if he feels the same way about you after all this time?”
I shake my head, and I tell her why we can’t be together. She places her hand on the center of my chest as tears run down her face. “This heart? This heart is yours, baby.” She covers her mouth. “The odds of that,” she mutters.
“I know, it’s wild.” I sniffle, thinking about Beck’s smile and how it matches his mom’s. I bet his sister had it too. “I can’t fix this, so I live with the pain and grant him the space. If I called him, he’d answer. He’d probably even see me, but that’s not for the best. It would complicate things more. The distance is the only thing that keeps me safe.”
“Pork! No!” I yell, when I see him downing a Tupperware filled with grapes. “No!” Leaping into action, I take the plastic bowl from him grab a lone grape from his mouth, the last one. “Oh, my god, these are poison for dogs. What do I do?” I unhook the leash and look down at Pork’s huge, apologetic eyes. “I know you can’t help it, but damn it, Pork!” I cradle him in my arms as he stares at me. The unconditional love he provides makes me get teary. My mom grabs my dad who is playing horseshoes across the park with strangers. He jogs over.
“My phone says there’s a vet on the other side of the park, right over there, in the corner,” Mom says, rushed, the panic in her eyes evident. She’s worried because the damn dog is one of my only sources of happiness when I’m alone in my apartment. I scoop up Pork and tell my parents to tell Peter to meet me at my house later, then I start jogging toward the corner of the park. My parents are driving, but their car is in a lot quite a distance from where we are. By foot is fastest. As I run, Pork is staring at me like I’m batshit crazy, and I guess I am. I’m terrified of losing something else I love.
There’s an old-fashioned brownstone stoop with an animal hospital sign hanging above the door. The open sign flashes blue and I’m completely out of breath as I stumble up the brick stairs and into the lobby. The lady at the desk looks at me with wide eyes. “Can I help you, ma’am?” When I don’t respond because I’m catching my breath, she goes on, “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, and in between breaths tell her, “Pork! Pork is a fucking pork. Help him.” I push the thirty-pound dog toward her. Credit given, she actually takes him into her arms. Pork is confused, cocking his head so he can look at me over his shoulder.
“What happened? Was he hit by a car?”
I crinkle one brow. “No, why would you think that?”
“You carried him in, ma’am, is he lame? Can he walk?”
“He just ate an entire container of grapes!” I yell.
She nods. “How long ago?”
“Just now, like a damn truffle pig. Five minutes ago. The whole container in like fifteen seconds.” All because Peter left. Don’t do that, Auden. It’s your dog.
