Page 50 of The Lies You Love
“Look, I’ve never seen Beck this upset. He’s barely functioning, Auden. If you tell him I told you, I’ll call you a fucking liar, but he’s a mess. I was shocked he messaged me because he’s been dodging calls since he went back to work.” Paranoid, he looks around, gaze darting from person to person. “I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but you should fix it.”
“Fix it? Fix it?” I nearly shriek. “Wait, let me cut out Maisey’s heart and gift wrap it for him. Maybe that will fix it,” I yell this time. Heads swivel in our direction.
At the same time, Griffin and Ramsey say, “What?”
“Yeah, he’s all upset but he’s not telling anyone why. I was the recipient of his sister’s heart.” My voice lowers. “He can’t live with that.” The last sentence is barely a whisper. Ramsey hears. She takes me into her arms, planting a kiss on my head.
“Jesus, Auddie. Why didn’t you tell me?” Oddly, she doesn’t seem shocked.
Griffin looks like I’ve dropped a grenade. “You have his sister’s heart?”
“Yes,” I answer. “I didn’t know! It was anonymous. There was no way for me to know when I met him. When we were at his parents, they did some research and figured it out. He went out all night came home beat up. He couldn’t even look at me. When he did, he vomited. He can’t even look at me.”
Griffin’s only response is a hard swallow and a ghastly pale crossing his face.
I go on, because I’m worked up and it’s the first time I’ve spoken these truths out loud to another human. There was no closure when Beck sent me away. “It might be the second thing that’s impossible for me to fix or do anything about in my lifetime. I couldn’t make my ex straight, and I can’t change the fact that his sister’s death is why I’m alive. Trust me, I know how twisted it is. It keeps me up at night. It doesn’t matter how much I love him, how I would give him everything and do anything for him. It doesn’t matter that despite it being his sister’s heart, it beats for him. I fell in love with him. All of him. Good and bad and that doesn’t change because of a technicality.” I suck in a deep, shuddering breath, “So even if I’m talking to another man, it doesn’t mean anything. It means less than nothing. It’s a meager distraction from the gaping hole in my heart.”
“That’s some heavy shit,” Griffin says.
“It is.” I throw up my arms. “Which is why it’s asinine Beck cares what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with. He should want me to get over him as quickly as possible. Please don’t tell him I told you. Let him tell you when the time is right. I’m sorry he’s upset, I am, but I’m the one who was left. I’m the one who didn’t have an option or a say in ending things.”
“I’m sorry, Auden. I am. I didn’t know. He hasn’t been talking to anyone. He’s only been talking to his coworker about work. I tried calling his coworker now that he’s off shift and Beck’s on to try and help Beck. See if there was anything I could do.”
Ramsey bristles in the confines of our hug, pulling out. “Coworker?”
“Yeah, the month on month off schedule. Beck trades off with him back and forth.”
Ramsey picks up her wine from the railing ledge where she sat it and drains it. “Makes sense.” She looks at me as I’m wiping under my eyes. “Auddie, I wish you would have told me earlier.”
“What would it change?”
“Everything. It changes everything,” Griffin mumbles, glancing at his phone. “I won’t say anything. I need to call him. Maybe he’ll talk now. I’ll be right back.”
“Call him in front of us,” Ramsey orders, and it’s definitely an order, her eyes deadly. “Call him now.”
His forehead creases, but he shakes his head as he pulls out his phone and dials Beck. “No answer,” he says.
“Suddenly, I’m not feeling like socializing,” I say, laying a hand on my stomach. “I’m heading to bed. You guys stay.”
“Bullshit,” Ramsey hisses. “I’m coming with you.”
I hold up a palm. “No. I want to be alone.”
“You’ve been alone for weeks. It’s not good for you. If you don’t want me, call one of your other friends to stay the night. You shouldn’t be alone.”
“I’ll call Betty.” I won’t, but she doesn’t know that.
My friend shakes her head, and Griffin dials Beck again. No answer. I want to hear his voice, even from the other side of a phone, but not more than I want to keep my pride. He cares, he must in some fucked up way if he’s jealous, and I hate that it makes me feel a certain way. How can he have this hold over me? It’s hard to swallow because we spent less than a month together. It wasn’t years spent living under the same roof, nor were there heavy promises made. It was just this fleeting, all-consuming sense of love. Obsession fades and this shit isn’t going anywhere. It’s coiled so tightly; I feel like it’s mixed with my blood. He’s part of me, and I can scarcely remember what it was like before he changed me like this. I hug Ramsey and reassure her once more that I’m fine and I leave. I see Peter on my way inside and I apologize profusely for my friend’s behavior. He seems more concerned if I’m okay. Which makes sense because Ramsey made it look like the sky was falling. Peter tells me which apartment he lives in and that I can stop by anytime on the weekend. He says he’s super busy during the weekdays.
“I’m sorry again. Thanks for being so understanding. It was quite rude. Have a great night, Peter.”
“It was a great night already,” he offers along with a grand smile.
It’s the wrong smile. On the wrong face. I nod and step into the elevator when it pings open. I ride it down and ignore the flurry of texts coming in from Ramsey. She has her own ring tone. Lately it’s so I know who to avoid, but before it was to respond quicker. I text her back so she stops, but I do need to be alone. I’m the suffer in silence type. I spoke with my parents this morning, and they’re planning a visit out here next month. They never knew about Beck. I didn’t tell them, so it’s one less disappointment I save by not having to announce it ended.
I shower off the day and put on a pair of sweatpants. I scrunch some hair crème into my hair and pour a glass of wine. Taking my laptop and a blanket, I make myself comfortable on the couch. I’m overwhelmed by how many shows I need to catch up on after not having TV time for all these weeks so I turn it off and work on financials for the store. My accountant, a friend from college, is expecting all of my documents next week, but I send them over now because they’re ready. When my store first opened, she helped me out to be a good person, now I pay her to handle almost all of the financial aspects of the business.
I don’t hate this administrative part of the job anymore because the store is doing well. Very well. I can order even more product, and I start visiting my vendor websites when there’s a knock at my door and then a chime from the doorbell. My stomach flips when I see his face through the peephole. Warily, I open the door. “Walker,” I say, mouth sticking. I need a drink. And a bottle of holy water to dump on his head. “What, what are you doing here?” He looks the same but totally different. He’s wearing a thick gold wedding band, and his glasses are black and thicker rimmed than the ones he used to wear when we were together.
