Page 95 of Pieces Of You

She smiles. “I am. We found out while he was in North Carolina with me.” She scrunches her nose in disgust. “And before things get gross, no, it’s not his.”

I stifle my giggle at her reaction. “I wasn’t thinking that.”

“Good,” she breathes out, getting more comfortable. “The point I’m trying to make is… Holden—he’s had to watch some pretty shitty things happen to the women he cares about, and I think it just got him thinking about the choices he makes and the consequences of those choices. And he got scared, Jamie. He’s afraid because he doesn’t think he’s mature enough to handle being responsible for anyone else’s emotions or actions orreactions…” she trails off, unable to speak through her emotions. “Especially when he cares so deeply about those people. When helovesthose people. And the love that Holden gives… God, if you’re lucky enough to be on the receiving end…” She pulls out a napkin, dabbing at the tears welling in her eyes. “It’s such a privilege… and an honor.”

I sit still, forcing myself to breathe through the pain of watching her, witnessing a girl fight for strength through her weaknesses.

“Sorry,” she says, taking a minute to get herself together.

I lower my head, push back my own tears. My own heartache.

After clearing her throat, she shifts in her seat, bringing my focus back to her. She’s digging through her purse and then pulling out the product catalog Holden had his dad send for me. I’d left it at his house, not knowing it would be the last time I’d be there.

She opens it to a specific page and slides it across to me. “I think this belongs to you.” Leaning over the table, she points to a picture of her and Holden, a picture I’m familiar with. It had stuck out to me the moment I saw it, and for days, I couldn’t get it out of my mind. They’re only kids in the picture, standing in front of a wooden playhouse with their names painted above the door.Holden + Mia.He’s smiling, proud, looking at the camera, while she looks at him… the way I’ve looked at him. “My papa took that picture of us on his phone,” she tells me. And then she sniffs. Just once. Just enough so that she can continue to speak. “I can still see his smile when he looked at it…” Mia’s so lost in her emotions, she can barely get the words out, and I’m right there with her. Right on the edge of losing it. “He showed Tammy, Holden’s mom, and I’ll never forget what she said.” She sucks in a breath before releasing it slowly. “She said ‘That girl looks at him as if he sneaks out every night and hangs the moon just for her.’” She stares longingly at the photograph as if reliving every moment of it. “I was only six or seven when I overheard it, and I didn’t really understand what she meant. I thought Holdenliterallysnuck out at night and pulled out a ladder from my barn and hung the moonjust for me. Some nights when I couldn’t sleep, I used to look out the window expecting to see just that, because to me, back then… and even now… it isn’tthatunbelievable.” She laughs, but it’s filled with so much sadness I wish I could hug her.

I don’t.

Instead, I reach over, take her hand in mine, and squeeze once before pulling away and hiding my hands beneath the table. I don’t speak. I don’t have anything to say.

Mia looks down at her hand, her breaths shaky. She doesn’t look up when she says, “He asked me something yesterday that reminded me of that picture.” Her throat moves with her swallow. “He asked if he could’ve changed the course of my life had he asked the right questions at the right time.”

I nod because at least I know this piece of him.

“And I told him the truth,” she continues. “I told him that it wouldn’t have changed anything. That I would’ve lied to him as much as I lied to everyone around me. As much as I lied to myself. I kept trying to convince myself that I was okay, but I wasn’t.” She pauses a beat, contemplating her next words. “Jamie, I spent so many years living in those lies, drowning in them, that eventually, I started believing them myself. But through all those lies, all the hurt and all the pain, I held on to one undeniable truth.” Her eyes meet mine again—eyes full of strength—even beneath all the tears. “Every day, the sun would go down… And the moon would rise.Just for me.”

45

Holden

For hours now,I’ve sat on the edge of my bed with my shoulders rigid, my head bowed, and my entire body shaking with nervous energy. Occasionally, I’ll glance at my desk where the package sits, imploring me to open it, while my mind, my heart, beg me not to.

The gift was on my doorstep when I got home from school, the last day before winter break. It’s wrapped in plain white paper with daisies drawn on every corner, and I knew immediately who it was from. It’s the only reason I didn’t rip into it the moment it was in my hands. Whatever is in there—it could mean nothing. But it could also mean everything.Changeeverything. And that’s what I’m scared of the most.

I’d been good. Whenever Jamie and I were around each other, I kept my distance. I spent almost every second of every day reminding myself that my end goal wasn’t going to change, so bringing up our past would only dig up the pain. And that pain had the power to ruin me.

I get up. Pace. Stop. Start again. And then I stand by my desk, looking down at the package as if it’s a ticking time bomb waiting to explode… and I’d happily let it destroy me. “Fuck it,” I whisper, slumping down on my desk chair. I peel back the tape slowly and carefully, not wanting to damage the paper. I’d already worked out from holding it that it was a framed picture. A drawing. A piece of her. It’s face-down when I finally peel back the paper, and so I take a moment to collect myself, to level my breathing.

I’d only felt like this once before: when I was at Mia’s bedside waiting for the doctors to return. To tell us that she’d be okay. At least physically. Mentally? That was a whole other journey.

I suck in a breath, push out an exhale, and then I flip the frame over. My breath falters as my lips part, and my chest tightens… right before it expands, bringing new life into every cell of my being. It’s a sketch of Mia and me as kids, sitting on the fence beneath the Eastwood Nursery sign back home. Mia’s looking at me, holding a giant stick, while I make a daisy chain so long it goes from the front of the drawing all the way to my hands. Jamie’s managed to capture every detail—from the faded sign to the greenhouse behind us, tous: Holden + Mia.

And while it feels like home. Like happiness. Like better days spent playing in the yard, dirty and sweating, not a care in the world—my heart grows heavy with the realization that it’s missing one thing… the final piece of the puzzle.

It’s missingsunshine and solace.

Jamie

The days pass, turn to weeks, and not a lot changes. I go to school and I go to work and I live my life the best way I can.For now. I don’t tell Holden about my conversation with Mia or how that conversation changed me in ways they’ll never know.

It took a few days to let Mia’s words sink in, and when they finally did, I came to one simple conclusion.

I am privileged and honored to have been loved by Holden Eastwood. Even for a couple of months. A few weeks. A single day.

Even if I didn’t know it at the time.

People have the ability tochangeyou, and I’d been so wrapped up in the way my mother was changed that I never thought that somethinggoodcould come out of it.

And I understand it now.

---