Page 128 of Pieces of Me

“Jamie...” she cries, removing her hands and locking her tear-stained eyes with mine. “Of course it is.”

“Ma,” Holden says, shifting the coffee table back so he can squat down in front of her. “We’re going to get through this, okay?”

I lower my arms and shake my head, adamant. “Tammy...” I sigh out, trying to gather my thoughts, “my mother was a drunk who felt like she had no other choice but to stay with a man who beat her constantly. She kept me in that environment for years, andstill, I could never see her in a bad light because every beating she ever took was aimed at me. She protected me. Always. Like you do for Holden.” I cover her hand with mine, a moveshe’dintroduced me to in the dead of the night, even though she was the one hurting. I look at Holden, at his eyes pleading for me to do something.Anything. “I know what it’s like staring into a void, searching for answers. Searching forwhy and how, and I understand that need for reasons, that want to find someone to blame, even if that someone was me.”

“Jamie…” Tammy trembles.

I take a breath, fight back my emotions, becauseI’m in control,and say, “What I’m trying to say is that I get it now. I understand why you thought that Holden deserved better, because that’s what you want—as a mother—the absolute best for your child.” I swallow my nerves. “But… I love Holden with everything inside of me, and I’m lucky enough that he feels the same, so… it would mean a lot to the both of us if you were at our wedding—” Tammy gasps, and I continue, “And in the meantime, I’d love to spend some time with you. So we can maybe get to know each other better and work on our relationship.” I grab my iPad off the coffee table. “I thought maybe we could start here,” I say, tapping at the screen, trying to hide the shakiness of my fingers. I pull up the file I’d been searching for and show her. “It’s just some ideas I have for the wedding. I don’t really know where to start, so...”

This time,Tammy hugs me—just like she did with Holden in the diner. Long and tight. And when she cries, I cry, too, because it feels like the missing page to close this chapter of my life—a chapter that almost felt impossible to complete. She starts to pull away, but I’m not ready to let her go yet.

Five years.

Five years, I’ve been holding on to this pain, this heartbreak, and finally, finally, it’s over. When I eventually release her, I wipe at my eyes, focus on the images on the iPad to hide my emotions. “I’m thinking dahlias for my bouquet,” I say through the giant knot in my throat.

“Of course,” Tammy responds, shifting a loose strand of hair from my eyes. I look up at her, my breath held in my lungs to fight off another sob. “For your mother...”

I nod, my vision blurring with a new onset of liquid heartache. “Oh, Jamie. She’d be so proud of you, I’m sure. You’re aprofessional artist,Holden tells me...”

I look at Holden, whose smile fills all the empty spaces left by the pain I’ve finally let go of, and I laugh through my tears. “He told you that?”

Tammy nods. “He tells me everything about you. He adores you with his whole heart.”

“It’s true,” Holden says, nodding, his eyes and his stare illuminating his pride for me. I see it there, can feel it inside my soul, lighting up the darkest parts of me.

Tammy points to the iPad. “Have you thought about the song for your first dance?”

I shake my head. “It hasn’t even crossed my mind.”

“May I make a suggestion?”

“Of course.”

“’My Girl’ by The Temptations.”

“Oh, that’s a good one,” Joseph says, and he’d been so quiet I’d almost forgotten he was here.

Tammy ignores him, reaching up to cup my cheeks. “It was your mother’s favorite movie, right? That’s why you used to wear all those mood rings? That’s why Holden got you that pendant?”

I stare at her, my tears flowing fast and free. “Yeah, it was. Maybe you and I can watch it together one day?”

“Oh, sweetheart,” she coos, and she hugs me again. For minutes, she just lets me cry on her shoulder, and I wish I knew where all these emotions were coming from.

I’ll be sure to ask my therapist on our next call.

“Your rings!” she almost shouts.

I hold my hands out between us.

“They’re so beautiful,” she says, her touch gentle on my fingertips. “And soyou… at least, what I remember of you.”

“I haven’t changed all that much,” I reply.

“Yeah, she has,” Holden says, and just when I think he’s going to bring out more emotions, he adds, “She’s gotten even hotter. Herass—”

“Holden!” I groan, pushing on his shoulder until he falls back, having to stretch his arm out behind him to catch himself. “What iswrongwith you?”

Joseph’s body shakes with his withheld laughter.

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