Page 132 of Lady of the Drowned Empire
“Why don’t you take a hot shower?” Rhyan said afterward. “I think you’ll feel better.”
I shook my head, my nerves still on edge.
“Come on, partner. If the nahashim are out there, they have no way of getting in here through the walls. We’re safe tonight. Try to relax. Nice warm shower for you, then bed. You need it.” He wrapped his arms around me. “I know it probably feels strange, like you don’t deserve to or shouldn’t. Not if they’re not getting hot showers.”
My eyes burned. He always knew me so well.
“Just remember, to get them back, we need you at full strength. Okay. This helps them, too. Go on. I’ll be right out here, guarding the room.”
So, I showered, letting the hot water rush over me, and washed my hair for the first time in days. It was soothing at first. My muscles ached, tense from a full day of walking and running. But alone in the silence broken only by the water falling, I was left with my grief. My father’s death was still fresh. I kept seeing him fall every time I closed my eyes. And if I didn’t see him, I saw Haleika. Or Leander.
Then I saw Meera and Morgana. My heart hurt. I had no idea if they were actually okay or how scared they were or if they were in pain. I doubted they were in a comfortable bed or had even been fed in the last day. My shoulders started to shake, and I turned off the faucet.
Rhyan jumped in after me, and I changed into his sleep shirt and pants again.
A few minutes later he emerged from the shower, already toweled off, and wearing his sleep pants. He looked me up and down, his eyes darkened, hooded with desire, and his chest flushed red against the black ink of his gryphon tattoo. Jaw tensed, he turned suddenly to the bed, lifted the blanket and patted the sheets next to him. But I didn’t move. I was feeling stuck to that spot, overwhelmed. One look at my face and Rhyan crossed the room, scooping me into his arms.
“No,” I protested, squirming. “You carried me too much today.”
“No such thing.” He tightened his grip, pulling me closer. “What happened between now and the shower?”
Tears fell down my face. “Everything. My father, my sisters….” I wiped at my eyes.
“Come lie down with me.” He carried me to the bed and lay back with me on top of him, pulling the blanket up to my waist. “Shhh. It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
He wrapped his arms around me, his hands sliding inside the back of my shirt to run soothingly up and down my back, as I sniffled.
“Deep breaths. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to make it okay.”
I nodded against his chest, inhaling the soothing pine scent that always clung to him. Sharpened now that he was fresh from the shower.
Bells rang in the distance—this time just the normal bells from the Cretanyan clock towers. My eyes began to close, my body still wrapped up in him. I felt his arm lift, and cold air, siphoned from his aura, gathered in his palm. He flicked it out and snuffed out all the torches in the room, leaving just the candle melting on the nightstand.
His lips pressed to my forehead, and he smoothed back my hair before his hand returned to my back, alternating between rubbing long strokes up my spine and lazy circles around my shoulders.
I couldn’t sleep. My mind was racing; my heart was hurting. I closed my eyes and saw my father fall. Arianna sitting in his Seat. The guilt was like a pit in my stomach. I felt awful. My stomach twisted with guilt over the fact that I’d left Bamaria, even though I knew I’d had to. And I felt guilty that I hadn’t stopped my father’s death. Guilty I hadn’t seen the truth sooner. Understood Meera’s visions, looked beyond what was presented to me.
And I felt guilty I hadn’t been at Cresthaven when Meera and Morgana had been taken—either to stop it or to be there with them.
Guilty that Rhyan and I had run that night instead of killing the akadim. Guilty Haleika and Leander had died because of it.
I shifted away from Rhyan, finding that, for once, I couldn’t fall asleep curled on top of him. And I worried I was keeping him awake with all my fidgeting. He needed to sleep. He was using so much energy to move us safely through the Empire.
I rolled onto my side, my back to him, tucked my hand beneath the pillow, and squeezed my eyes shut, willing the thoughts racing through my mind to stop. To shut off. I tried counting backward then reciting old High Lumerian rhymes I’d memorized as a child, but nothing worked. I couldn’t quiet my mind. I couldn’t fall asleep, and the longer I lay there, the more miserable I felt.
The mattress shifted behind me, and a warm arm slid across my hip. Rhyan’s hand slipped inside my shirt to rest on my belly. His body pressed against me from behind, his knee pushing between my legs.
“You still awake?” Rhyan whispered, sweeping my hair off my shoulder and planting a kiss at the base of my neck.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Didn’t want to keep you up.”
“Partner.” His hand returned to my stomach. “What’s happening in that big beautiful brain of yours?”
“Same as before. Everything. I’m okay when we’re moving, but as soon as we stop, as soon as we slow down, the thoughts come. Like a flood. And I can’t turn it off. I just—I’m sad,” I cried. “And scared.”
“I know,” he said quietly. “Gods, I wish I could take some of it from you.” His thumb scraped against my hip. “Maybe to help you sleep, we need to tire out your body some more.”
“What do you mean?”
