Page 49 of Lady of the Drowned Empire
I shook my head, still not recalling.
He bit his lip, looking even more embarrassed, his gaze distant. “I was in trouble,” he said quietly, “with my father. I was…always in trouble. And I ran away, well, I ran through the halls of the fortress. And I found your wing by accident. I was hungry. And I smelled your lemon cake, and so I walked into the library, and you were sitting there alone, reading.”
A hazy image formed in my mind—just the vaguest recollection of what he described.
“Did I…?” I closed my eyes, trying to remember. It was like a foggy dream I could barely grasp. “I told you to read the same scroll as me.”
Rhyan exhaled, his eyes watery as he laughed. “You did. You had a second copy. We didn’t talk much. But you invited me in, let me stay, let me be.” He swallowed hard, blinking a few times. “I didn’t think you’d remember. You were kind and open. I always guessed for you, it would have been a small thing. But to me, it was….” He stared down at our joined hands. “I never really had friends before, wasn’t included by the other nobles on state visits, and you let me come in and share a scroll. You shared your cake, too, and you asked a servant to bring me water, and….” He pulled his gaze up to mine. “I was just a kid, but I think part of me loved you then.”
I stared at him, seeing the young boy he’d been, conjuring those old memories in my mind. I’d thought he was so handsome at the time, but he was always angry and rude. I’d been intimidated by him. A little scared he’d be mean in conversation even though I was inexplicably drawn to him. I could understand now why he’d acted the way he had and wished I could go back in time and do so much more than just allow him to sit with me and share a dessert I’d already bitten into. I wished I could hug him. Tell him not to listen to his asshole father. Tell him he was also worthy of love. So I did the only thing I could do—I hugged Rhyan now.
“I wish I remembered more,” I said. “I wish I’d done more.”
“You’ve done everything,” he said, pulling me onto his lap, his arms around my back. He took the blanket from my lap and wrapped it around us. “That’s actually how I knew you liked lemon cake. I was embarrassed to admit the real reason I knew that day in the fall, but you’d eaten it at least once in the hall, so I figured I had an excuse for knowing.” He leaned forward, pulling me closer. “You didn’t do anything special that day. You didn’t have to do anything special at all. You were just being you. And I loved you. And that’s not going to change.”
I sank into him. “What are we going to do?” I asked, holding the ends of the blanket behind his neck, cocooning us inside it the way we had been last night in his cloak. “The Imperator was threatening me today,” I said, voice barely above a whisper, as if the Imperator could hear.
Rhyan stiffened. “What did he say?”
“That I was now the most eligible lady for marriage in the Empire. And he wanted to be the one to arrange my contract.”
“Fuck.” His breath was uneven. “I don’t know what game my father’s playing, but I’d bet anything, he still wants you. Wants your power.”
“Funny. The one thing I’ve always wanted for myself…I had no idea everyone else valued it, too.”
“We can’t let any of them have it.” Rhyan’s eyes darkened. “I don’t trust Mercurial. Or any Afeya. And I think,” he grinded his jaw in frustration, “I don’t like it, but I think we might need to start searching tomorrow. Finding a way you can claim it yourself.”
“But Mercurial.”
“Fuck Mercurial. Unless he wants to present his solution, his true motivations, we’re not waiting. We’re doing this on our own.”
I nodded, knowing he was right. It was time to stop listening to what others wanted, to stop following the rules made for me. It was time to make my own. “We still have a few days of the winter holiday before soturion training starts again.”
“With the Imperator’s new task force, I can almost guarantee I’m going to be called away. Aemon’s already informed me. The vorakh hunting, it’s going to increase. It’s going to be necessary.”
I hated when he left for those. Hated that he put himself in danger.
“But not for a few days, I think. And I don’t think I’ll be sent far when you need additional protection. We’ll go to the library tomorrow, see what we can find to start. First, I want to know more about this deal, why the Valalumir is heating up like it does. I want to know if Mercurial’s done anything he shouldn’t have with you.” His palm pressed against my heart, over his sweatshirt. “I want to know everything about Afeyan contracts.”
“I should probably go back home…to my bed. In case I….” I looked to his bedroom and back to him, my cheeks heating. “In case it happens again.”
“Stay with me,” he said urgently, brushing my hair from my face.
“But I’m—”
“I don’t care.” He gripped my hips.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes. Please. Lyr, I….” His good eyebrow furrowed, leaving a pained expression on his face. “I don’t sleep well when you’re not in my arms.”
We’d only really slept together—beside each other—once, after one of his nightmares. The few other nights Rhyan had been with me through the night had been because of bodyguard duties or because he had been caring for my injuries. He’d stayed awake each time, keeping watch while I’d slept, afraid he’d disturb me with his nightmares. I knew they plagued him. I knew he hated to acknowledge they were happening, hated to show weakness. So I knew what it cost him to admit this now.
I leaned forward, kissing him slowly, softly. “I don’t either.” I sat back, staring into his eyes.
He let out a shaky breath, staring back at me. “You’ll stay?” he asked, sounding unsure.
“I’ll stay.” I frowned. “What are we doing? What are we?” Not just friends. Not quite lovers. Still completely forbidden. Everything had changed between us—and yet, everything was the same. The reasons keeping us apart still remained.
