Page 54 of Lady of the Drowned Empire
Though everyone on my security team knew Rhyan was part of the detail, I worried one would soon suspect something more between us. I wasn’t sure anymore how much we were giving away with simple looks or small touches. We had to be more careful than ever. Haleika had known something was going on between us. Tani had suspected. And I’d gotten enough crude comments from Lord Viktor and the wolves of Ka Kormac to know that if they weren’t suspicious of me and Rhyan, they were certainly fantasizing about the possibility, drooling over the idea of me naked with him and imagining reporting us to his father.
A deal with Mercurial wasn’t going to save us twice.
Haleika knowing had been the worst. It had put a strain on my relationship with her, as I’d feared she’d betray me to Tristan, just as she’d feared I’d betray her. I’d been keeping her secret, too.
I’d dreamed of her again last night, tucked safely in Rhyan’s arms, burrowed beneath his scent and covers. He’d pushed back my hair in the morning and kissed me on the forehead with his face scrunched up in worry.
“You were thrashing just before you woke. Did you dream of the arena?” he’d asked, voice still full of sleep.
I’d nodded.
“Me, too,” he’d said and rolled onto his back to stare at the ceiling. His aura had felt like it was shimmering with unease.
I’d watched the sunlight shift behind a cloud, staring at the patterns the rays made on his ceiling that early in the morning, not knowing what to say to Rhyan, who’d been breathing heavily.
He’d been in the arena, too. He’d helped kill Haleika, too.
I’d been the one to take her past the point of no return. I’d stabbed her with a flaming stake. I’d set her on fire. But it hadn’t been enough. She had been suffering, dying too slowly from the fire after I’d missed her heart, so Rhyan had cut off her head. The killing blow had been an act of mercy, but nothing could change the fact that she was dead by both our hands. And so was Leander.
Those memories, my role…they were going to haunt me for the rest of my life, as I knew they would Rhyan. Even if those nightmares faded, I knew I’d be plagued with nightmares of what had happened the night before, when I’d faced down two akadim and watched Rhyan slay one before escaping the second. That was the one that had killed Leander then eaten Haleika’s soul.
Rhyan and I knew this had the potential to tear us apart. There was too much happening right now, too much diverting our attention for us to stand still long enough to feel it. But if we were both having nightmares, both afraid to talk about it, both afraid to touch each other….
In bed that morning, Rhyan’s finger had tapped the sheet, stretching toward mine. Our pinkies had touched, the sudden contact like a blast rushing through me, but he’d pulled away.
A small blue light had emanated from my waist, from the vadati stone Rhyan had given me. It had been Morgana, checking in.
Rhyan had slid out of bed, not looking at me. He’d gone into the kitchen and brewed coffee for us. I’d come out after speaking to Morgana to tell him she’d be joining us at the library, and he’d only nodded and drank his coffee in silence, looking haunted.
He’d asked how I was feeling, if my cramps were better—but otherwise, he’d shut down, and was impossible to engage with.
An hour later, as I sat in the seraphim carriage, I still felt uneasy about his change in demeanor.
I stared out the windows, watching the shining rooftops of the city give way to fields of grass and snowcapped forests before we flew past the bay into the desert of Scholar’s Harbor. The air was dry as ever, but it wasn’t plagued with its usual stifling heat.
I loosened the soturion cloak wrapped around me, allowing a small breeze to hit my neck, as Morgana’s seraphim descended, her talons causing a dust cloud to burst.
Markan lifted an eyebrow at Morgana’s appearance, aware of her lack of interest in the Great Library as well.
How’s Meera? I asked.
Morgana rolled her eyes, marching through the sand to my side, her bodyguards following close behind.
“Hello to you, too. Yes, I’m fine.”
She didn’t look fine. Her hair was wild and unkempt in a way I’d have never allowed if I was at the fortress. And her eyes were red, like she’d been crying recently. She stiffened as she saw me, like she was afraid of me for some reason.
I cleared my mind, knowing she’d be angered by my observations.
“You know I care how you’re doing,” I said quietly. “More than I care for myself.” But I hadn’t seen Meera since she’d had her last vision and learned the news of Arianna’s betrayal, and sometimes asking about Meera was easier than asking Morgana about her own feelings.
“I know,” Morgana snapped. “She’s about as well as I am. As well as you. You can ask how I’m doing, you know. I’m going to bite your head off either way. Everything sucks. But your situation is more important right now. So I’m here. Let’s find some Godsdamned answers.”
She paused, wincing from pain, then shrugged her shoulders back like she was coming out of it. Her hands moved automatically to her temples, fingers searching for a diadem that wasn’t there.
I looked away, embarrassed for her. I’d done the same thing three times this morning.
“Shut up,” she muttered under her breath.
