Page 60 of Lady of the Drowned Empire
“I can’t,” I said. “I need to figure this out. And I need…I need a distraction. Is he going to be okay?”
Morgana squeezed my hand. “Lyr, go home. Rest.”
“Is he?”
She sighed, rolling her shoulders back like they ached from all of our research. Her eyes met mine, and they filled with a rare show of kindness. “I’m not the one who sees the future. But I think if anyone is guaranteed to come home after facing akadim, it’s him.”
I watched her go before returning to read until Markan finally stormed in and escorted me back to the port.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Tristan was waiting for me outside my apartment door when I returned. It had been hours after I’d set out for the library.
Bellamy stood off to the side, shadowed in a corner of the hall, his eyes downcast. I tensed as I passed him, not wanting to make eye contact or hint at any other interaction between us. The silver sigil on his blue tunic was a stark reminder of where his loyalties truly lay and what a betrayal it had been for me to pay him to keep secrets from Tristan.
I found it hard to look at Tristan, too. My skin was crawling with nerves, his aura escaping from his body. The sensation should have been familiar, yet there was something so unfamiliar and off about it. Like I was approaching a stranger.
Tristan’s usually handsome face was drawn and pale. His brown eyes appeared distant even as he watched me approach. Dark circles below his eyes unlike any I’d seen on him before made it look like he hadn’t slept in days.
My stomach tightened with each step, the utter mess of everything between us dragging me down, making me feel weak. I didn’t want to see him. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to have this conversation. It already felt too intense, and neither of us had said a word.
I stopped before him, trying to meet his eyes, my stomach hollowing. But he gazed beyond me, his lips pursed tightly together.
He was looking for Rhyan.
I squeezed my eyes shut, inhaling through my nose, my hands fisted at my side until he finally spoke.
“Lyr.” His throat bobbed as he said my name. “Gods, Lyr. I’ve been trying to talk to you since yesterday.”
Hearing his voice made my heart ache. Despite how well I knew him and as long as I had, despite the countless hours I’d spent listening to him speak, despite the intimacy with which I knew his rhythms and specific Tristan idioms, Gods, he even sounded like a stranger.
And I felt like one, too. Like I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
I didn’t have it in me to talk to him, to hear him out, not after he’d hurt me. Not after Rhyan had left, barely having said goodbye, to hunt akadim again. My eyes were burning. I saw Tristan kissing Naria and heard the crowd’s cheers, and, like a punch to my gut, I remembered that Tristan was going to marry the daughter of my father’s killer. He had put a ring on her finger before he’d spoken to me to end things between us. He’d gotten engaged without ever closing things with me.
“Sorry,” I said curtly. “Bellamy didn’t get to me in time to speak for you.” I pushed my key into the lock, angling my body away from him.
“Lyr, I tried. I tried to get to you first, I did. And then I…but it was too late. I went to Cresthaven—you weren’t there. And I’ve been here, waiting outside your door for hours. I did the same yesterday—right after the announcement. But you never came home. Or sent word.” He looked miserable. Broken. “Where were you?”
My hand shook as I tried to turn the key, but it was stuck. “You don’t get to ask me that anymore.”
“Lyr, stop.”
I cursed under my breath, still focused on the lock and key, turning it back to unstick it.
Tristan took a step forward, his shadow against my door. “My feelings for you—they didn’t just vanish. I can’t just make them go away. And I don’t want to.”
“Tristan, stop.” I slammed my hand against the door. “It’s over. You’re engaged. To Naria.” I spit her name. “To my cousin! To the girl who went after you behind my back while I was sitting alone and scared in fucking prison.”
“I know. I know. I know how fucked up this is. But I need you to listen. I need you to believe me. I didn’t want it. And I didn’t want it to be like this.”
“But this is how it is!” My chest heaved. I was caught between fury and guilt. I may not have been innocent in this situation. Maybe I was the villain. I didn’t know. I was too tired and confused to process it. But at the very least, if our situations had been reversed, I wouldn’t have been parading Rhyan around all of Bamaria. I wouldn’t have been parading him in front of Tristan and kissing him. I wouldn’t have been allowing half the country to remind Tristan of how worthless he was. How replaceable.
I turned the key again, this time hearing the small click of the lock, and pushed open the door just enough for me to slide through.
“Lyr, listen to me.” He gripped the doorframe. “This isn’t what I wanted.”
I turned on my heel, grasping the doorknob. “You didn’t want what? To be engaged to the girl you almost fucked three years ago? To be engaged to my cousin who never stopped openly lusting for you? The girl who’s finally going to give your grandmother the prestige she’s always wanted?”
