Page 25 of Pretty Vile

It was so far from what I’d read about love and what I’d expected it to be that I didn’t know what to do with it. Whether to embrace the darkness or run from it.

At the time, I ran, but I’m done running now. I don’t care if this brand of love is dangerous and all-consuming. I’d rather feel that than nothing at all. I’d prefer to burn beneath Wilder’s heated glower than sit in the cold loneliness of my old life. I know now that no one will ever make me feel the way Wilder does. The way they all do.

Wilder.

Hawk.

And Kai.

“Morning.”

I jump as Kai’s gruff voice disrupts my thoughts, and I have to take a second to make sure my face doesn’t betray any of my internal contemplations, before I turn to face him with my plate and mug in hand. Offering him an unsure smile, I walk over and sit on one of the island stools.

Things have been tense between Kai and me since the kidnapping, and I don’t understand why. It’s not that he’s said or done anything specific, although I can feel the distance expanding between us—this vast canyon opening up and forcing us further and further apart.

For whatever reason, he’s put up walls and pushed me away. I can practically feel the cool brick beneath my hands.

I watch while he fixes himself a morning coffee, and I can already tell by the tense set of his shoulders that he’s planning to escape my presence as soon as he’s filled his mug.

Something in my chest pinches as I recall the last time we stood in this kitchen. Before that wretched day ruined everything.

“As for you and I…”His hand moves so his thumb rests along my collarbone and his fingers curl around my shoulder. “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to. I know the risks. I know what’s at stake. I want to protect you. I want to catch this guy. And I definitely want to kiss you again.”

He did,and it was oh, so delicious—a toe-curling, mind-altering, world-tilting kind of kiss.

The kind that becomes an addiction you crave. A sort of high that you want to experience over and over. Except I can’t. I only got one teeny, tiny taste. A sample, before it was ripped away.

The pinching in my chest is painful, a heavy weight settling over me as I blink away the threatening tears in my eyes.

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I tentatively ask, “Are we okay?”

“Why wouldn’t we be?” he asks after a moment. His voice is stiff, and he keeps his back to me, so I can’t read his facial expressions.

“Because the other day you were saying all these things, and you kissed me, and now you can’t even look me in the eye.”

He sighs before finally turning to look at me. His face is an unreadable slate. Somehow, that’s even worse than staring at his back. “I’m trying to be professional, Emilia.”

“You were being professional before without being an ass and hurting my feelings.” His eyes drop to the floor, but I don’t miss the regret that flashes across his face—there and gone in a second.

“I’m not trying to hurt you.” For the first time this morning, genuine emotion bleeds into his words, giving away his inner conflict.

For a moment, I observe him, attempting to understand what could be running through that head of his. Hazarding a guess, I push back my chair and round the island toward him.

“You realize what happened wasn’t your fault, right? Wasn’t that our plan all along? To fake-date hoping to lure her out? It worked! It pissed her off and forced her out of the woodwork.”

“You weren’t supposed to get kidnapped, Emilia,” Kai snarls, anguish lacing his tone and softening his eyes. He drops his gaze to the floor, shaking his head. “I couldn’t think straight when I showed up at that classroom and found you gone. Knowing you were in danger impeded my ability to domy job. Rather than thinking objectively, all I could focus on wasyou.” He sighs, his anger deflating as his body sags forward. “I let you down.”

“What?” I ask, stunned. “The very last thing you have ever done is let me down, Kai. The only reason I wasn’t freaking all the way out when I was in that bunker was because I knew you’d come for me. I knew you’d know what to do; how to find me.”

“Except I didn’t, did I? Wilder found you. I didn’t do a damn thing to help, and perhaps if I’d had my head on straight,Iwould have been the one to find you.”

Taking another step forward, I place my hand on his forearm. “It doesn’t matter who found me. You all worked as a team. I see how Hawk looks to you for advice, and I bet he—and Wilder—followed your direction. I’d hazard a guess, too, that you were the one who said to search the campus instead of assuming I’d already been taken off the premises. You might not have been the one to find me in that bunker, but it’s because of you that Wilder was able to.”

Lifting his head, he searches my face. He doesn’t appear to believe me, but at least he’s looking at me now. His eyes drop to where my hand still rests on his arm, and he reaches up to place his hand over mine. The warmth of his palm seeps into my skin, and I have to fight not to let my eyes drift closed at the contact.

I want nothing more than for him to pull me in for one of his steady, reassuring hugs. However, when he simply sighs, I know he won’t. Gently, he extracts my hand from his arm, holding it in his for a second longer before letting go.

“We still can’t. Not when Mel is out there and you’re in danger.” I want to stomp my feet and scream about how unfair it is. How this bitch shouldn’t be allowed to take anything else from me. But the regret mixed with longing in Kai’s eyes ceases me. “It’s not you, Emilia.” He says it so sincerely—desperately, almost—that I believe him. Definitely not the standard,it’s not you; it’s me, brush off speech. There is sincerely something more preventing him from just sayingfuck itand giving in to his feelings.

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