Page 151 of Love Thy Brother
Goddamn. I scrubbed a hand down my face. I’d missed Oscar. Being so wrapped up in Rubi, it had been easy to pretend I hadn’t. But I had. I did. And whatever happened with Rubi, I knew I couldn’t live with losing his friendship.
Tired but wired, I sank onto the sofa and drummed my fingers on my kneecaps. Thinking about making the last few weeks up to Oscar and Aras kept me occupied for a couple of minutes, but it wasn’t long before I was up again.
This was the moment when my house often closed in on me. When I did what I did best and ran away, not stopping until I’d blunted every thought and emotion barrelling through me with whatever poison I could get my hands on. But despite the frantic edge to my state of mind, I stayed on the couch, counting the scuff marks on the laminate floor and the crayon lines on the walls Oscar hadn’t caught up with painting over yet. Anything to keep my feet rooted in place and my arse glued to the fucking sofa.
I didn’t want to get lit.
Ididn’t.
Fuck, I just needed the noise in my head to stop for a goddamn second.
Groaning, I hunched over and pressed my hands over my ears. Then it occurred to me that whatever he’d said, there was every chance Folk was watching me.
The possibility didn’t make me as angry as it would’ve done way back when. I didn’t get up and shut all the blinds. I stayed where I was, rocking in time with my thudding heart until my muscles cramped with the strain.
Stiff, I unfolded myself from the sofa and glanced at the window, expecting the inky black of the frosty winter’s night.
Mauve skies greeted me instead. Swirling mist. It was nearly sunrise.Fucking hell.
Bemused, I rose and drifted to the back window. Had I been asleep? My scratchy eyes said no, but the passage of time between taking up residence on the couch and where I was now said otherwise. My head hurt too. Like I’d spent the night on the piss with too much hard booze and not enough food.
Come to think of it, I couldn’t remember the last time I ate. Or drank anything that wasn’t the tea Cam had forced on me yesterday afternoon.
It was hard to give a shit. I didn’t feel hungry. I just felt weak, and I was so used to that it barely registered.
The rumble of a bike out front was louder.
Folk’s Fat Boy.
A prickle of hope fought the lethargy choking me. If Folk was leaving, maybe Rubi was coming home. But there were so many flaws in that pipe dream. Namely, that my shitty house wasn’t Rubi’s home, so why the fuck would he come here?
You’re here. And he loves you.
I clung hard to that logic. Cos I knew it was true. That wherever I was, that’s where Rubi wanted to be, and...fuck. I’d given him an extra hour on the road before he could make that happen.
Nice one, dickhead.
My capacity for stupid was immense. Also, I still needed a fucking shower.
Folk left.
I closed my eyes as the roar of his hog faded. If I wanted to be back on the compound anytime soon, I needed to drag my sorry self upstairs, but moving seemed impossible. My legs felt like lead and I was fucking freezing.
Bleary-eyed, I poked at the boiler until the heating came back on and hauled myself to the stairs, ignoring the louder rattle it emitted in protest at being messed with.
Oscar had cleaned the bathroom. It smelt of grapefruit and the Lithuanian shampoo his mum sent him every month, the scent so strong I found myself glancing over my shoulder, expecting to see him on the landing, dancing around with Aras in his arms, singing weird fucking songs that Rubi would love.
It shocked me that I was still alone. That despite the heat kicking out of the radiators, I was colder than I’d been downstairs.
I turned the shower on. Fumbled my belt buckle with clumsy fingers. Fuck. Was I gonna puke?
Maybe.
I blinked hard and blew out a slow breath.Something’s wrong.The pound in my head. The cramp in my stomach.
The mud in my brain. I still had too many thoughts piling on top of each other, but they were slow, blurring together like a glitching videotape, and I had no fucking clue why.
And I was definitely going to throw up.
