Page 11 of My Monster, My Choice

I was never that way. I knew I would be the only one in Carlton—my first love’s—life. When he passed, I knew I’d never have another love like that. I didn’t need to please any man and that taught me I didn’t have to pretend that I wasn’t hurt.

After Carlton, I never had those feelings again. Not until now.

When lunch is done, we offer to help with the dishes but three of the dancers are on clean-up duty because they take turns. Not to mention, usually one of the Adroki males ends up pairing with a girl to clean alongside her. They make it fun. It eases some of my concern over Tera being here.

Kenny loves to sweep and mop, so they hand him a bucket and let him go to town. He’s in second heaven, cleaning sections of the floors and drying them carefully so no one slips. I know that on any other day, he’ll ask to be allowed to clean the baseboards and everyone’s mouths will drop. That’s another one of my son’s favorite chores.

When my kids were growing up, we made cleaning fun. We made it a daily occurrence. And I taught them that if they didn’t have a partner to clean with—again, I was interested in changing the unfortunate pairings we were thrust into—that it was meditative to do something simple and mundane like cleaning baseboards or windows. That getting the job done as perfectly as possible was its own reward and reflected your own character.

One thing that shows with Kenny’s character is the ability to adapt to new situations. My boy can fit in wherever he goes. He had a hard time when he first started at his Academy, but that was because there were too many changes—Tera leaving home, me leaving our home. It made sense for me to move there once I was able to get a job on the premises.

After lunch, Elex takes us both on a walk to show us the grounds. There is open acreage, plotted for farmland. Elex tells us it was wasted space until Tera came up with the idea to use the empty fields. He shows us the original milk farm, now used as a school of dance shared with the midwifery classes held by the Britonians on the other side of the building. For some strange reason, combining the two very different schools made the entire concept boom. Women are on a waiting list for the chance to try one or both of the schools.

Elex doesn’t need to try to bond with Kenny. There’s an openness between them that speaks of getting to know each other. My son mimics Elex’s movements, taking my hand when Elex does. The three of us tramp through the open trails hand in hand and nothing feels awkward or forced.

It’s amazing, like Kenny and I knew Elex all our lives. Like I didn’t meet Elex a week ago and Kenny didn’t meet him just today.

There is such a thing as love at first sight. I know because I fell in love with my daughter the first time I saw the little elfin face grinning with the missing front tooth like she’d been waiting her whole life for me to appear. I fell in love with my son the first moment he opened his mouth, took his first breath, and screamed bloody murder at the world he’d been born into. I fell in love with Carlton the first day we moved into their neighborhood, and I played mudcakes with him.

And I fell in love with Elex the first time I saw the terrifying figure he imposed, even if I didn’t realize it. All I knew is how my stomach churned at the thought of him asking for Tera’s hand. And how great my relief was that it wasn’t him.

“Lookka, momma. Thas leminy balm.” Kenny points to a plant.

“We can make salads.”

“Itta bring lots of bees.”

Bees were almost non-existent now. The Britonians had brought in themingae, a sort of hummingbird insect to replace them. “Bees are important. What’s lemon balm good for?” I ask him, just to remind him.

“Moods! Good for relaxin’.”

“Smart boy,” I praise.

“You’re amazing,” Elex says to him and Kenny beams. Looking at the two of them, I fall even more in love.

But it’s that night after we’ve had dinner between the three of us, and built our fort on the floor of the den that it hits me. When we’ve crawled into sleeping bags with a film dancing across the ceiling. When Kenny’s soft snores fill the night that I look over his head to Elex to find him watching me with his heart in his eyes.

I stare right back, letting him see every emotion on my face. Tomorrow isn’t the guest room for him.

While such thoughts should give me dreams about new love and maybe desire and sex, the dream I have is more of a memory. A time when my babies were little.

Kenny was just born, his skin still wet, while Loretta demanded her son. I rubbed his tiny arms and legs briskly, wanting to delay the inevitable.

The baby didn’t look like his mother. He didn’t look like his father. He had unique features all his own. Features I recognized from a woman’s child in our old town. A little girl so sweet…but Loretta, nor Lyle, would ever notice the marking of an angel. All they would see is the waste of a male child.

“Bring him to me, stupid wretch,” Loretta hissed.

From the open doorway, Sheila bustled in. Tera peeked into the doorway behind her, thankfully she was smart enough to keep out.

I wrapped his little body in the soft blue blanket, covered his little head with a stocking cap to keep him warm, and cooed softly to him, chanting over and over. “Don’t be afraid, little man. You are beautiful. You are special. You are loved.”

I placed him on her lap.

The wide-eyed baby looked startled, his eyes rounder than they should be for a newborn.

Loretta’s shrieks filled the room, making the baby howl at the top of his lungs. “What did you do?” she yelled between sobs.

“What? I didn’t do anything!”

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