Page 55 of My Monster, My Choice

Again, the usual anxiety hits me at the mention of his name. I can’t bear to tell anyone why, especially Tera. Part of me knows I shouldn’t feel ashamed but another part of me just is. “We’ll see,” I murmur, hoping Relion will be around and will take her instead.

“Was my father at least kind to you?” she asks.

I snort. “Your father wasn’t kind toyou,” I remind her. “But it wasn’t so bad. I missed my two brothers, but they’d both married and had gone off on their own. And I had a beautiful little girl to focus on. You were the light of my life.”

“I remember playing with you. You were never too busy for me and now that I’m an adult, I think back to all the chores you must have had. You were always busy, setting me to play on the counter next to you while you chopped vegetables for dinner. Giving me a piggy-back while you vacuumed.”

I laugh at the memories. “Good thing you were a scrawny thing.”

“I never thanked you for being such a great mom.”

I smile at her. “I never thanked you for being such a wonderful daughter.”

“You know I’d do anything for you, right?” There’s a strange tone to her voice but I smile at her because I do know that.

“Ditto.”

We continue rocking as Telilah’s eyes grow heavy and she starts to fall asleep. I stroke Jayna’s baby-soft arm and imagine she’s the son I never had. As usual, my heart melts when I hold her. Would my son have been so perfect? I remember holding Kenny like this, in those early days when he was bottle fed. A lot of times, I didn’t have the time to cuddle him properly though. That’s a regret I carry still.

“Where are they now?”

“Who?” I ask, distracted with my memories.

“Your father. Carlton’s father.”

Ahh. “They still live in the same town.”

“Where we grew up? And I never met them? Even when you were left widowed and alone?”

“They washed their hands of me when they handed me off to your father,” I say. “I haven’t seen or heard of them since.”

“What about your brothers?”

“Two. Very unusual for a household. It put my father in high demand, which is why he didn’t want to lose his status in the community for the scandal. Which is why his business skyrocketed and he made a lot of money, moving us into a new community.” Yet the one daughter he had shamed him, the way women always would. “Funny thing is, a man gets kudos when boys are born. And a man gets kudos when they perform a miracle and turn out three children from one woman. But a woman gets the slack if she’s unable to have any, even if it’s with the same man.” I shrug. “In either case, Bobby and Jimmy were also forced to drop contact with me. I was, well, I wasn’t considered a scarlet woman. That’s defined as a woman who has sex with more than one man. But while my father tried to tell people I was married off because of my depression over losing Carlton, I think most guessed about the pregnancy.”

“And when the baby never materialized?”

I shrug. “I’m sure many suspected but no one was foolish enough to voice their thoughts. The backlash is horrendous if you’re wrong. In any case, I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted my brothers to be tainted with the scandal, so I understood their distance.”

“A woman’s life is difficult,” Tera says. “I wonder if it’s always been this way?”

“I think it probably has been. I think we just never realized it before. Like we were given scraps way back when and we were grateful for them.”

She cackles. “Like they gave us the right to vote and probably told us who to vote for.”

“Exactly.” I laugh with her. “Be glad we were born in modern times, I guess. I heard centuries ago women were burned at the stake for studying herbs and midwifery. Now look at where we are. The Adroki are teaching us those lost skills all over again.”

“I can’t believe we ever lost them. You know the Britonians uncovered ancient books in the Presidential House? The world was pretty different when it was well populated before the third world war.”

“I hope the contents of the books will be made available.”

“Oh, they will. Some are medical records being returned to the families. I guess the president wanted those to blackmail people one day.”

I gasp. “Are you kidding?”

“No. If you attended some of the Britonian functions,” she chides, “you’d hear Mikhail share his plans. He’s going to scan the books into digital form and everyone on the planet will have access.”

“That’s wonderful.” I probably should get over my fear and go visit the Britonians. It’s not like Mikhail’s third, the medic Calbin, will be waiting to pounce on little ole me with a scanner in hand. He’s got much better things to do.

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