Page 17 of April is for Asher

Screw Asher, and whatever his excuses. I'm not going to let him rob me of enjoying this.

After I get situated on the table, the technician gets the machine all ready to go.

“All right. Let's get these measurements. Now, do you want to know if it's a boy or a girl?” She asks, as she squirts some cold gel onto my belly.

“Yes, I'd like to know. I think it's a girl, though,” I tell her with a smile on my face.

When she moves the wand over my belly, grainy black and white images popped up on the screen. Before I know it, the shape of a little baby fills the screen. You can see his or her skull. The little body is curled up in there perfectly.

The technician is busy taking measurements, photos, and doing whatever. As she does what she is supposed to do, I stare at the screen in complete awe. At one point, she flips the heartbeat on, and you can hear the movement in the heartbeat that matches along with the screen.

“All right, it looks like right here. We have a baby boy.” She shows the picture that clearly outlines that there is a penis growing inside of me.

A little baby boy. It looks like Asher was right. Then it hits me. That I don't want this child to grow up, like I did with my dad, full of broken promises and false hopes. I always knew it but knowing it’s a baby boy, and seeing it on the screen it just it’s so much harder.

I don't want to continue to live my life like that either. One thing I know is I am perfectly strong enough to do this on my own.

Why had I let myself start to dream and hope of a life where Asher was involved? Maybe where we would be able to work things out and became one big happy family.

He had some girl living in his house. It was easy access to sex, so why not? He's just a guy and that's what their driving force is. I still let myself fall for him, anyway.

Just like my dad, he's not going to take care of his responsibilities.

The ultrasound tech prints out a ton of pictures and hands me a stack of them.

“I printed out some extras for you to give to Dad or Grandma and Grandpa. Whoever you would like.” She gives me a wink, but I just keep the smile on my face. It's not her fault that she has no idea what's going on or that the baby's father didn't show up. And I will not take it out on her.

Checking out, I make my next appointment without even giving a second thought to Asher and his schedule, or what's going on. I'm hoping by the time that I'm due for this appointment, I will be in Billings anyway, and I will just be rescheduling it with my new doctor.

Once in my car, I drive a few blocks down to one of my favorite little city parks. After finding a parking space, I walk along one of the trails to a bench that overlooks a small lake. While I sit there trying to decide what I'm going to do, I realize at some point I have to go back to Asher's. If for no other reason than to get my stuff.

As I'm trying to figure out where I'm going to stay, my phone rings. It's the landlord for the place I rented in Billings.

He tells me that the tenants that were in there moved out earlier than he expected and he has gotten the place clean. The last thing is to have the carpets shampooed which will be done tomorrow and I can move in any time after that if I would like. He wouldn't even charge me the extra time on my lease because of the hassle.

It was like a message on the direction I'm supposed to go here. I am trying to figure out where to go or stay and now my apartment is ready.

Proving once again, the easy path points the way.

Without hesitation, I head back to Asher's house and I'm beyond thankful that he is not there when I arrive. Part of me wonders if he's going to try to show up at the doctor's office, thinking I'm still there waiting for him.

Thankfully, I didn't take most of my things out of the boxes. And I have an SUV. So I fold all the seats flat and start loading up all the boxes. They take up all the space in my car and I start to wonder how I'm going to get my clothes in.

My clothes were in a box of their own and I realize I can just shove the clothes in wherever they will fit. They don't have to go in a box. So, that's what I do. Any nook and cranny gets filled with clothes. I won't be able to see out of my rearview mirror, but at least everything will be in my car.

I do the same with my bathroom things, shove them in wherever there's room.

Then I go to Asher's office and that's when I see the car seats that he bought. For a moment I pause, thinking that's the man that bought those two car seats. These car seats seem to tell a different story than the man who would miss one of the most important doctor’s appointments during this pregnancy,

Would he have the same excuse during the birth that he would miss that, too?

I don't think I can stand to be around and find out.

Grabbing a piece of paper and a pen that I came in here for, I go to the dining room table to quickly write out a letter.

For now, I need to do this for myself to give me a sense of closure on all this. But to say what? Not wanting to leave any open doors, but I know I don’t want to say anything in person.

I don't want him to think that we can just go back to where things were, either.

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