Page 20 of Brutal Knight

All these sensations don’t belong here, now. I can feel my body react to her, how near she is. I’m reacting to a basic need, a memory of the beautiful woman I saw the first time I met her.

I shove it down.

Despite what I said, I’m not like Victor. I’m not a fucking monster. I’m not going to do something to her, especially now that she’s high as shit.

I need her to know that. She might not remember it now, high and angry at me, but I want her to know before I marry her. I want her to know that I’m not going to force her and I’m not going to try to break her.

But I won’t let her break herself either.

I tie Willow, secure and careful, and finally draw back.

“This is where you’re going to stay until you’re fucking sober,” I say, catching my breath.

Willow looks up at me, but her eyes wander. There’s something resigned in her gaze. She looks almost like she expected this.

Like she wanted it. Like she took those pills for one last hour of bliss, one last moment of not needing to feel pain.

There’s something hopeless in her eyes. Something blank. I feel like she’s saying goodbye somehow, although I don’t know who or what she’s saying goodbye to. If I wasn’t determined to keep her away from any and all drugs from here on out, I’d worry she might kill herself.

Whatever. I don’t care. I can’t. I press my lips together and turn away. I won’t let her kill herself while she’s in my house, in my care. No matter what I have to do to keep her from hurting herself, from using, I’ll do it.

I leave Willow in the room and lock the door again. That’s it.

This is what I have to do.

CHAPTER7

Willow

The door shuts behind Connor with a soft thud and a click as the lock slides into place. It sounds like a stone falling, a tunnel collapsing, closing off my escape. It feels like the world is shut behind it.

I feel helpless. I hate it.

Helplessness is the worst feeling when you’re trying to survive. It’s like watching a train come as you lie on the tracks, knowing you can’t move and knowing exactly how it’s going to feel.

I know what withdrawal is like. I know what detoxing will be. I know that once it’s over, I’ll be forced to live every moment completely awake. And I can’t do shit to help myself. The same way Dmitri drugged me, Connor is going to take away the drugs. He’s going to make me feel everything.

I try to struggle against the ties. I fight until I can feel my muscles strain, my body aching with exhaustion. It reminds me of the first time I tried to run from Dmitri, the first time I really tried to get away.

That’s one of my worst memories. I don’t want to think about it, so I stop, letting the last remnants of the high take me away.

I drift through it. It feels good, but not as good as it used to. Not as good as I want it to. At the back of my mind, all I can think about is how fucked up my life has become.

Dmitri is gone. I should be sober, should be out in the sun, should be enjoying all the sweet things in life I missed out on for years. But I know the reality is that the second I step out, I’ll just see something that reminds me of him. Something that brings me right back to the parts of me that feel like trash.

I wish I could give myself amnesia and forget everything that was done to me. I wish I could escape to a mountain cabin and never see anyone again, just live in peace and quiet.

But there’s no escaping my name and my power. I have the Raven Syndicate under my power, and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. The men trying to take me won’t stop coming, and the reality of the organization that’s waiting for me isn’t going to change.

I want to let go, but I can’t.

So I let myself be high, and I forget everything until the next morning.

And then Connor comes back.

He brings food with him, and he unties me long enough to use the bathroom and eat. For a few minutes, I stubbornly ignore his presence. I don’t want to give him the satisfaction. I don’t want to incite him, either.

I don’t know yet what kind of man Connor is. For all I know, he’s playing a long game. Maybe all he wants is to get my guard down before he ends up taking everything from me. I wish I could trust a man that’s quiet, that doesn’t verbally or physically abuse me.

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