Page 21 of Brutal Knight

But I can’t. I’ve seen every kind of monster—from Dmitri’s blatant rage to the way one of his men smiled at me, only to tell Dmitri when I tried to escape.

I know better than to think anything makes you a good person. Smiling, laughing, a gentle touch. They’re all things the men that abused me did. I can’t trust anything. Especially not now.

When I finish eating, he starts to tie me up again. I don’t fight this time. I know he’s stronger than me. I don’t have anywhere to run.

“You don’t need to do this,” I tell him.

Connor spares me a glance, then returns to securing my wrists. I don’t see anything in his gaze for that split second. No anger, no annoyance. Nothing. I don’t know what to do with that.

I bite the inside of my cheek. My instinct is to shut up and avoid conflict, but I can’t help myself.

Unsticking my tongue from the roof of my mouth, I say, “I don’t have any more drugs.”

“That’s what fucking addicts say,” Connor replies curtly. “They make promises they don’t intend to keep.”

“I don’t—”

“You lied.”

His answer is short. It’s so short I almost think he’s not going to say anything else, but he does. I keep my mouth shut, uneasiness bubbling inside me.

Connor yanks at the ties binding me and then leans back to look at me.

There’s something certain in his brown eyes, something self-assured. Like he knows he has the absolute truth. It makes me irritated, and I’m surprised. I don’t know how he’s managing to draw a response from me.

“You lied when you told us Dmitri was going to betray the Assembly, and then you went back on your word. You make it damned hard to trust you.”

My first instinct is anger. I want to yell, want to snap at Connor that it wasn’t as if I did it for fun, or to put them in a hard place. I didn’t lie to the Assembly because I wanted to.

I barely remember that moment. I remember Dmitri dosing me, remember being high as hell and barely able to see straight. I remember men’s faces surrounding me. I remember fear.

I remember being told I was going to die if I didn’t cooperate. I remember being high and not knowing much, but knowing I didn’t want to die. I still had a shred of hope.

But Connor doesn’t care.

And maybe he’s right.

The guilt is still there, twisting inside me. I can’t help wondering if I did something wrong. Have I become a person who’s willing to lie, willing to betray to save my own skin? Do I have no moral center? Is everything just a series of choices to stay alive and get another fix?

I shove all the feelings down. I can’t think about it now. I’m less than eight hours from my last pill, and I still haven’t faced reality long enough to accept where I am.

Connor leaves me tied up again. I can feel the itch for a fix crawling beneath my skin. I struggle all over again, even though I know I won’t get free. I know it’ll exhaust me.

Maybe I’m just trying to wear myself out. Sleep is the closest I’ll get to a high right now. I’ll take what I can get.

Time passes in a confused mess, warped like plastic left in the sun. It hurts almost as bad as the worst times Dmitri broke me. I know it’s the Demerol leaving my system.

Just when I think it’s ending, it gets worse.

Every moment I want a fix, the pain starts. My body aches, I shake, my muscles spasm. I hang on to the bed for dear life. A few times when my wrists are untied, I stumble to the bathroom and vomit. It’s so hazy that I hardly register when Connor is there, if he’s even there.

When I manage to sleep, I have nightmares. They’re vivid, so sharp and bright that I almost think they’re real every single time. They come creeping up on me just when I shut my eyes, just when the pain fades enough for my exhausted body to drift to sleep.

The dreams start murky, indecipherable. I can’t tell which way is up or down and everything is too bright for me to see. I try to widen my eyes, but it’s useless.

Then it’s shapes and feelings. I can feel hands, feel my skin burning. It’s like someone is turning me inside out. I don’t know what’s happening and it’s all chaotic, confusing, and painful.

But then it breaks. For the first time, the pain breaks and I feel a moment of bliss.

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