Page 37 of Brutal Knight

I learned not to disobey unless I wanted to face consequences. I play my part well, and I’m good at it. No matter how much I hate playing the part of the obedient wife, I’m just what I should be. I’m perfect.

Not that Connor told me outright to put makeup on or look nice. But I’m not going to risk making him angry over something like this, even if he has been kind over the past weeks.

I can’t risk anything because at the back of my mind, I keep thinking that this is it. Maybe this day, this wedding, is the turning point.

It was with Dmitri.

I’m looking at a face I don’t recognize in the mirror when Connor knocks. I turn to see him open the door, surprised that he knocked at all. He just looks at me and nods, and I know what he means.

It’s time.

I follow Connor down the stairs, but I’m so dazed I hardly realize where we’re going. It isn’t until I’m standing at the front door, faced with his car parked outside, that it really hits me.

I’m going to get married. Again.

There’s a growing tension in my body, tightening all my muscles. Some distant part of my brain tells me to just pull the door open and throw myself out. Anything would be better than this.

But I’m not ready to risk my life. Not when I only just got some part of it back.

I can’t keep thinking about how much I don’t want to do this. It’ll only drive me to panic, and I don’t know how Connor will react. I just have to keep myself steady through this, just until it’s over.

And then I’ll survive what’s next as best as I can.

The drive is tense. I don’t speak and neither does Connor. I don’t think he’s angry. I don’t know if he feels anything. It’s so hard for me to tell anymore. Dmitri shattered any faith I had in men, broke whatever instinct I thought I had. I’m not sure if I can trust myself anymore.

What I can trust is how to stay out of trouble. I know what to do to disappear, to be as little of a problem as possible. I just have to calm myself down long enough to do that.

I keep my mouth shut as Connor drives. If there’s one thing I can do, it’s be silent.

I hate this. I hate the tension, the uncertainty, the knowledge that I’ve traded one prison for another. I’ve had one loveless marriage. I know this will be the same.

There’s no love here. There’s been no slow fall, no flirting, no dates. I’ll never have any of that, just like I’ll never have so many other experiences.

Despite my attempts to stay calm, by the time we pull up to the church, I’m no closer to feeling fine. If anything, I feel worse. Seeing the place where I'll be married only reminds me that my fate is sealed. I can’t take in the beauty of the building or the sunlight shining down on me.

This is it.

I barely register the hands that pull me in, leading me toward a small room near the back of the church. It takes me a few minutes to recognize the faces—Rose and Violet, already dressed and beautiful, are at my side.

They’re careful with me, like they think I’ll break. It almost makes me want to scream. Dmitri couldn’t break me. I’m still alive. I’m not his pet, not his wife anymore. They don’t have to treat me like I’m the same drugged woman I was before.

But I know part of their fears are true too. I am terrified. Maybe I will run.

Rose has something in her hands. It looks soft, pretty. Silk. “Here. Let’s get you ready.”

I want to say,I don’t want to.I want to refuse like a child. But I know it won’t help, and the will to disobey is shoved down under years of living with Dmitri.

I let them help me into my slip, then into the dress.

“I’ll make sure everything is secure,” Violet says. Her voice is almost soothing.

She works on my hair, careful fingers inspecting my handiwork and adding pins in a few places. I want to reassure her that I knew what I was doing when I pinned it up. I’ve had years of being a perfect wife to teach me.

That doesn’t make me feel any better now.

“I was married here,” Rose says as she laces the back of my dress.

There’s a fond smile on her face. I try to smile, try to imitate her cheer, but it doesn’t come. A flare of panic rises in my chest. I have to be happy, have to look the part. If I don’t, what will Connor do?

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