Page 65 of Brutal Knight

Willow is drowsy, wiped out, her eyelids heavy as she settles into the bed. Her breathing evens out as she starts to fall asleep in my arms, and I’m right behind her, giving in to the quiet release just the same as when we came together.

CHAPTER25

Willow

I’ve never woken up like this before.

Warm. Content. Happy.

My body is a little sore and pleasantly relaxed, and I stretch lightly, feeling Connor’s large body behind mine.

The truth is, I haven’t woken this comfortably in years. Most of my life, almost.

Every time I woke in Dmitri’s bed was punctuated by fear or a creeping sense of dread. I’d either wake to him not being there and suffer through the anxiety of not knowing when he’d return, or I’d wake and he’d be there, ready to take what he wanted by force.

This isn’t that.

Now, I’m on my side, Connor pressed against my back. He holds me to his chest carefully, the arm resting across my body loose and gentle. He’s not pinning me in place.

I feel held, and I’m not sure I’ve ever felt that before. I’m starting to like it.

Last night was incredible. It was unbelievable in so many ways and even now, I want more. I can’t believe how much I want Connor. It’s dizzying, blinding. Everything else is secondary to the thoughts of him touching me, kissing me, holding me.

It’s like being a teenager—like something I never got to enjoy. I feel like my heart is beating too fast, like I’m too obvious. But I don’t care how obvious I am, or if Connor knows just how giddy he makes me feel.

I just want for this to never end.

I didn’t know I could have something like this. I can’t believe everything Connor has awakened in my body.

It’s hard to believe everything that happened just yesterday. It feels like a week was crammed into a day. It was all just a rush that I couldn’t control or keep track of, and I’m left trying to figure it out in the silence of the morning after.

I never meant to overdose. I just wanted to numb it all, escape my fear. I did exactly what I’d done every time I’d used before. Only this time, it didn’t end the way it always did.

Now I realize it was a mistake. More than that, I can’t hide from the fact that I was afraid of feeling things. I was afraid of hurting, sure, but I was also afraid of hoping. I was afraid I’d fall into the trap of believing I could be free again, only to be let down.

But maybe there are things worth feeling after all. Maybe some of it is worth the risk of pain. And I’m not just invested in these physical feelings, either.

There are emotions Connor is making me feel too. Things I can’t hide from.

I still don’t know how he can read me so well, or how he knows exactly what I want and need. I’m sure I don’t hide what I feel very well when he touches me, but how does he know where to touch me in the first place?

I can’t think of an explanation. I can’t think of a reason that this is working, that Connor is somehow just what I need. The more I try to explain it, the more it gets away from me.

And maybe I shouldn’t try to explain. Maybe like everything else, this need for a reason is just my way of trying not to get too close. Maybe I should just accept that I finally have a chance at something good. A chance at something just for me.

I never touched myself when I was with Dmitri. Pleasure quickly became pain with him. Joy became fear, hope became despair. He made everything good in life turn sour.

I didn’t think I had the ability to enjoy pleasure anymore. I thought it was always going to turn into something awful because of Dmitri.

That’s what it was at first with Connor. When I first fell to my knees in the hallway, I was nothing but dead inside. I didn’t really feel anything. I just did what I thought he wanted me to. But that was just another one of my scars.

This, with Connor, is different.

I can’t stop thinking about how he touched me. Even now, as I try to think seriously about what’s happening between us, my mind keeps wandering to his touch.

I can feel my body respond to the memories, my clit throbbing when I think of him. There’s an image running through my mind of Connor’s head between my legs. I can almost feel his tongue on me, his fingers inside me.

I try not to shiver. The warmth of the bed doesn’t help the thoughts that keep rushing back.

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