Page 30 of Brutal Knight

So I gave up on feeling good, and I started to hope I didn’t feel anything. I started to work toward feeling nothing, a goal that was so far below my hopes that it crushed me to think about it. But I couldn’t ask for anything more.

It was a good day if I felt nothing. If I didn’t feel pain.

I don’t know if arousal is even the right word for what I felt with Connor. It’s so fucking confusing.

With Dmitri, I didn’t feel much. I numbed it all with drugs, and I eventually got used to fear and pain. It was just the way I lived. I didn’t expect anything else, and I learned how to function when I was going through hell.

But with Connor, I feel things that are unfamiliar. I keep feeling warmth despite myself, despite how often I remind myself I can’t trust him. It throws me off balance. Nothing I’ve expected has happened.

I don’t know if I can or should get used to this. Maybe it’s just a ruse, just a lie Connor will tell me until I’m comfortable. Maybe he just wants to lower my defenses, break my heart all over again. I can’t imagine why he would want that, but I couldn’t understand why Dmitri did any of what he did.

I know enough to know monsters aren’t always ugly. Sometimes they’re the prettiest people you know. And Connor comes in a very nice package.

I curl up on the bed in the late afternoon, nothing to do and nowhere to go. I wish I had a book or a television, anything to distract me. Being locked up doesn’t help all the questions I have. I stare at the ceiling, falling further and further into a pit of confusion.

Then there’s a knock on the door.

I sit up to stare at the door. Connor doesn’t usually knock. I’m surprised and a little suspicious.

If there’s one thing I learned from Dmitri, it’s exchanges. When Dmitri was angry, I could give him sex instead of letting him beat me. If he wanted me to hurt, I could cry and he’d be satisfied. With Connor, I’m not sure if this is an exchange—but I don’t want to risk it. Experience has taught me that if he’s being polite, he wants something out of me.

I just don’t know what.

The door opens, but it’s not Connor who walks through. It’s his brother’s wife, Rose.

Somehow, I feel a rush of relief. It’s good to see someone I know even a little, and someone I like. But my defenses are up almost as quickly.

I betrayed Rose even more than the O’Reilly men—and I hate that. Rose was kind to me. She spoke to me when no one else would. She never looked me in the face and told me that I was broken or needed help. She never turned away in disgust.

We only spoke a few times, but I felt like she cared. She was the first person in a long time to actually do that. She was the first to reach out.

It’s why I went to her and Aiden the second I decided to risk my life. I wanted to give her something the way she gave me hope, something I thought I’d lost long ago.

I felt like we were genuinely friends. Now, I’m not sure.

“Hi,” Rose says, lingering by the door.

I can tell she’s being careful. I’m not sure if she’s nervous or just trying not to break me. I curl my hands in the sheets and sit up straighter.

“Hi.”

Rose inches her way in, away from the door. She doesn’t hug herself or stiffen up. It’s like she doesn’t feel out of place.

I don’t know if it’s her marriage to Aiden or something else that makes her so comfortable. I just know I don’t have it, and I’m not sure I ever will.

I don’t walk into a room without thinking about where Dmitri could be waiting for me.

“I just wanted to check on you,” Rose finally explains.

“Oh. Well…I’m here.”

“You seem better.”

Her voice isn’t accusing. She sounds genuine. Rose stops in front of me, then leans back against the dresser behind her. I can’t imagine how she’s so relaxed. I guess it’s just that Connor is technically her brother-in-law.

Or maybe it’s something else. Maybe she’s never wondered if she was loved. I know she’s always had her father. She had Aiden, although she lost him for a short time. But love and care were never things she lacked.

I’ve never had that. I’ve never had a parent, a sibling, a partner that gave a shit. Maybe that’s why we’re different. Maybe I’ll never have the confidence she does.

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