Page 87 of Brutal Knight

But there’s so much fear in my heart when I think about telling Connor.

He’s a wonderful man. He’s proven himself better than any other man I’ve ever known. But how far will that stretch? How much can he look past, if I can’t give him this one thing I know he probably wants more than anything in his life?

I don’t think Connor would ever toss me aside. I don’t want to believe he’d just abandon me if I’m not of use to him in this way. I have to believe that won’t be the case.

But what’s the alternative? Have some other woman carry his child? Having a child that isn’t exactly his?

Blood and family in the mafia is so important. I know it must be just as important to Connor. If I tell him I can’t have his child, what then? I don’t want him to look for that with someone else. I don’t want to feel like I’ve disappointed him in some way.

I want to feel confident knowing it’s not my fault, but I love him too much for logic to make sense.

“What are you thinking about doing for a nursery?” Violet asks.

Rose shrugs. “It’s a little early to make decisions, but Aiden says there’s a man in the family that hand-carves furniture. He wants something handmade, as an heirloom, I guess. Something to stay in the family.”

“Wow. Something to keep for the next baby too, I bet,” Violet replies, grinning.

“I didn’t say anything about two kids!”

“Two? I’m betting three, minimum!”

They laugh and I smile, trying to pretend I’m just as happy as they are, just as free and careless. I want to forget what I know about myself and the mafia world. I want to rewind time just to fix this, to tell Connor before we got so close.

But I don’t know if telling him would have helped, or if he would have never let himself fall for me at all.

I can’t think about it for long. There’s raised voices, bantering catching my attention. I look over and see Connor hanging with his brothers and cousins, shit talking, most of them with a drink in hand or nearby. I know they’re not drunk. We haven’t been here long. But they’re not holding back.

“Oh, God,” Violet groans good-naturedly. “Time for them to get rowdy already?”

“Are they ever not?” Rose laughs. “I wish I had siblings like that.”

I can’t help agreeing. I’ve been an only child and a disappointment all my life. I can’t imagine having brothers or family like Connor does, relationships like the O’Reilly men do. There’s never a question about how close they are.

“Oh, come on!” Aiden crows, slapping Connor’s shoulder. “Let’s see it!”

“No, no—”

“What? You’re all talk? Come on, let’s see those skills!”

Lachlan grins as he tilts his glass, watching the chaos unfold. I don’t know what’s happening, but I can tell they’re having a good time.

“Great,” Violet says. “They’re going to box.”

“What?” Rose gasps. “You can’t be serious. No way.”

“Watch.”

“They won’t do it!”

“Watch,” Violet repeats, smirking.

I look back toward the men, shocked. I can tell they’re not angry or trying to hurt each other. I don’t know what on earth would drive them to fight each other in the middle of the bar.

They own the place, but I still don’t believe they’d do it—not until they start backing away from the bar.

“Come on,” Finn says, holding his arms out wide. “Unless you’re scared?”

Connor tilts his head back and downs a mouthful of beer. He shrugs, then saunters toward me, tossing me a wink before answering Finn.

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