Page 76 of Low love Low fidelity

I’ll never put myself in this situation again!

I wouldn’t. Never would I trust someone with my livelihood, be it with advice for it, or joining theirs with mine. I certainly didn’t want to jump from a failed marriage into a passionate affair with a late-adolescent crush. That would be foolish. It would feed into an insecure narrative I’d been carrying. That was how I was weak, never having any guidance from dedicated parents. I’d always felt bastardized as a child and adult. Since I didn’t have parents to help establish me as a person, it had been quite difficult to define who I was as a woman.

As a kid, along with the little girls at the church I grew up in, I’d talk about being a mother and wife one day. It was as though that was all we were raised to be, other than to be worshippers. My desires were established before my identity had been. Being a mother right now seemed foreign. My experience as a wife made me never want to sign up for this shit ever again. But I didn’t want to be alone. As a wife, I’d been lonely. As the object of my manstress’ long-term affection, I’d felt empowered. Why on earth would I marry again?

Sighing, I placed the phone on the floor then lay back in the tub, closing my eyes. I’d be scheduling a session with my therapist first thing in the morning.

“Daddy, are you still in North Carolina?” she called out, using her soft tone, created exclusively for me.

“Nah, baby.” I rubbed my tight eyes as I lay in my bed, the shades in my bedroom all closed, blocking out the morning sun. “I’m home now.” I yawned, “Got back on Monday.”

“Oh,” Elia chirped into the phone.

“Is it snowing up there yet?”

Elia giggled. “No, Daddy. It’s not snowy at home yet either.”

“You never know here in Jersey. We get snow sometimes in November, even if it’s just once.”

“Are you going to Granny’s today?”

I pulled in a deep breath, still trying to wake up. It was Thanksgiving Day, and I was back in Jersey, feeling stuck as hell. I went out to a few clubs last night. StentRo had an appearance in SoHo, and afterward, my crew and I headed toClub Sinin Harlem. That was lit as hell. I loved the club. No, I wasn’t the type to play the dance floor, or plot on women. My reason for being there was recreational. I needed to know what people from that demographic listened to. It was my responsibility to know the vibes happening in there, as well as day-parties, something attended by a slightly older demographic. There was so much energy in a club, so many electric vibes that it could quiet the noise of my personal shit.

“Oh, nah.” I yawned again. “Uncle Smite’s taking her to her cousin’s in Plainfield. You know she likes to get out on the holidays from time to time.”

“Then where are you going to eat?”

“Where areyougoing to eat?” I teased her.

“Daddy!” my baby groaned. “You know I’ll be here with Mommy’s family today!”

“Yeah,” I chuckled. “I know. Maybe Daddy’ll order something fromDiFillippo’s, and get some work done.”

“Working on Thanksgiving?”

“Who do you think’s gonna pay for yourDisneytrip next month, lil’ girl?”

Elia giggled first. “Daddy!” she groaned again.

My line beeped with an incoming call. I pulled the phone toward my face. “Baby girl, your Uncle Raj is trying to call me right now. Hit me later when you get a chance. If not, I’ll stop by tomorrow if you don’t get home too late.”

“Okay, Daddy! Mommy said we’re leaving first thing in the morning. Tell Uncle Raj Happy Thanksgiving!”

“Awwww! I will.”

“And Mommy just said don’t forget about what y’all talked about. Love you! Bye!”

“Okay. Love you back even more,” I replied to her, not quite knowing what Krista could have been referring to. Then I clicked over. “Yo, my baby said why the fuck you calling her daddy on the day of the giving?”

“Oh, shit! Tell my niece—wait. Didn’t you say Lia was going to Krista’s peeps’ spot in Boston?”

Rubbing my nose while stifling a yawn, I answered, “Yeah. I’m just fuckin’ with you. She said whaddup, though.”

“Give the cutie my love when you speak to her again. Anyway, what’s on the agenda for today?”

I placed my hand on my bare chest. “I ‘on’t know. I honestly haven’t had the time to think about it. Elia’s ass called, waking me up.”

“You went out last night?”

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