Page 41 of Exposed

I placed my phone down on the kitchen counter. I told Matt I was sorry for hurting him. I apologized. And yeah, I yelled at him about sleeping with half of New York. But what he’d said to me was worse. Stockholm syndrome? Really? He was discounting half my life. He was diminishing everything I’d built. And yes, Miller had worked for my father. But he gave it up. Jacob’s father wasn’t a mobster. Miller was a wonderful person. Everyone was allowed a clean slate.

That included Matt though. I drummed my fingers along the granite as I stared at my phone. The real problem was that I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know how to repair 16 years of damage. I wasn’t even sure it was possible.

And I’d already baked cupcakes and two dozen cookies that we didn’t need as I processed all this. And cleaned the whole kitchen. I would have distracted my pestering thoughts by playing with Jacob, but he was taking a nap. There was someone else I needed to talk to though.

I grabbed my phone and hit Kennedy’s name before I could chicken out.

It rang, and rang, and rang. Just when I thought it would got to voicemail she picked up.

“Hey, Brooklyn! Please tell me the two of you are back together.”

I thought she’d sound…upset. She had every right to be mad at Matt. And definitely every right to be mad at me. I’d specifically told her I was okay with them dating. Why did she sound sonotupset? “Um…no.”

“What do you mean no?”

“I mean…it’s complicated. I was married. I have a son. He’s angry with me. Just like you should be angry with me.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Kennedy said. “You should be mad at me. I…”

“Kennedy, I told you it was fine that you dated Matt. And I tried to be fine with it. I thought I was fine. But when I saw him at the game. And then that song came on? It felt…it felt…”

“Like maybe you never got over him?”

“Yeah. That.”

“Yeah,” she said. Her cheery tone was gone. And I realized it had probably been over the top for my benefit. But I didn’t want to sugarcoat anything. She didn’t need to pretend around me.

We were both quiet.

“Are you still in love with him?” I asked.

Kennedy sighed. “I think I had it all backwards. I love Matt. I’ve always loved him like a friend. And I was missing you…” her voice trailed off. “We hung out a lot after you died. We kind of held each other together, if that makes any sense. And I think maybe I mixed up loving him as a friend and loving him as more than a friend.”

“Or maybe you didn’t.”

“No, I definitely did. He’s my friend. He’s supposed to come to me when he’s missing you. And I’m supposed to steal all his fries. That’s how we work. Besides, I don’t really think I was meant to be anyone’s girlfriend. If you haven’t noticed, I’m not the most social person.” She laughed.

But I didn’t think it was funny. It felt like she was shrinking away from me again. Just like she had in high school after Cupcake took advantage of her. My heart hurt just thinking about it. I didn’t want her to disappear on herself. “I don’t think that’s true, Kennedy. I think you choose not to let many people into your life. Because most people haven’t earned your trust. But the people you do let in? You love them fiercely.”

“Maybe.”

“Definitely. But just because you love me doesn’t mean you can’t be mad at me. And you can’t be scared to be mad at me just because the last time that happened I disappeared. You can yell at me. Curse at me. Tell me I’m a terrible friend. Because I am.”

“You’re not.”

“Yes I am. But I didn’t mean to be. I really thought I was over him.”

“I’m the bad friend. Because I know you said you were over him. But I know you. And I knew you weren’t, even if you thought you were. And I tried to stay away from him, but I kissed him a few times since you were back. I wore his freaking jersey to the homecoming game. And I knew, Brooklyn. I knew you’d eventually want him back. I just…I…” her voice trailed off. “He made me feel…”

“I know. He has a way of doing that.”

Kennedy sighed. “Matthew freaking Caldwell. What on earth was I thinking?”

I laughed. “I’ve had that exact same thought.”

We were both quiet again. And I didn’t know what to say. Kennedy was hurting, but I couldn’t make it better. Because I wasn’t willing to give Matt up. Because I really did still love him.

“I tried to fight my feelings,” I said. “For so many years I told myself I didn’t love him anymore. But it took me all of two seconds of seeing his face to make me realize I was just pretending.”

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