Page 59 of Ever After

Jay’s shoulders hang low. Both hands clenched into fists. He’s done. I can see it. I can feel it. Jay gives me one last look, turns his back toward me, and walks away. Paralysis takes over my legs, stopping me from running after him. Tears stream down my face. I hear the door shut. All I do is look down at the floor. Feeling like a failure. My marriage failed and now my second chance of love is gone. My heart knows who it wants, but my head keeps stopping me. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but the one I want is already hurting.

Aiden is now standing in front of me. The weight of my failure is weighing down my head. I can’t bear to look up at him. Chatter surrounds us, making it harder to look around me.

“You’re a bitch for making me feel like shit for cheating when you’ve been banging someone behind my back this whole time,” Aiden says.

“Fuck you, Aiden!” I yell. “I let someone walk away from me so you wouldn’t get your feelings hurt and you call me a bitch.” Pushing Aiden out of my way as I run to the door to stop Jay. I reach the front, looking over to my left and then to my right. He’s nowhere in sight. I dial his number as quick as I can. All I hear is ringing. It rings for what feels like a million times and then I hear his voicemail.

“Lilah,get up. You’ve been moping around in bed for too long now,” Lia says while jumping on top of my bed to wake me up. Because I won’t follow her command, she moves off my bed and opens my blinds.

“No. Keep them shut!” I yell.

She walks back over to me and pulls my comforter off my head. “No. Get up.”

The light shining through my room burns my eyes like I’m a vampire about to catch on fire from the sunlight. I grab the comforter and pull it back over me.

Lia walks over to me and sits on the side of the bed. “Look, I know you’re hurting, but you can’t keep sleeping your life away.”

Hurt doesn’t even describe how I’m feeling. I’m hurt, mad, embarrassed, and ashamed. I let the one person who wanted me walk away. All so I wouldn’t hurt Aiden’s feelings. For him to turn around and call me a bitch. Why did I even care about his feelings? He never cared for mine.

We were all too drunk to drive that night. Lia called an Uber for us two. We let Aiden and Rudy figure it out on their own. The waitress called Rudy a cab to come pick him up. I didn’t even know cabs still existed.

By that time, I was out of it. The adrenaline kicked my drunkenness up by a thousand. I kept asking the Uber driver to take me to the hotel to find Jay. That was even a pain in the ass to get him to do it. We were even paying him for his services, and he kept complaining about how I was too drunk. Finally, Lia talked him into taking us. When we pulled up to the hotel, I jumped out of the car and yelled for Jay repeatedly. I ran up to the room we were staying in and pounded on the door. Lia ran up to me with my purse. I snatched it from her and pulled out the hotel key card. The room was empty when I swung it open, but my stuff was still there. I remember running to the bathroom to look for him. There was nothing. He was gone. Every time I called him it would go straight to voicemail. He blocked me. I felt so defeated. He never even blocked Lindsee. He said it was because he was over her. I knew right then I hurt him more than I imagined.

“At least come downstairs and eat. You’re withering away.”

I haven’t been able to get out of bed or eat. I work from home, so it’s been easy to work off my laptop in bed where the sun doesn’t shine. That’s the one time I get peace from Lia since she works during the day. The second she comes home, she checks on me, offers food, and tries to get me out of bed. A month has passed by since that day at the bar. Everyday hurts more and more when I don’t hear from Jay. I finally gave up calling him. I thought about calling Alex, but I’m so embarrassed I can’t even bring myself to call him.

Lia pulls my arm. “Please come downstairs. This isn’t the way I imagined spending my days living with you.”

“Fine.” I throw the comforter off my head and stare at her.

“You need sunlight. You’re looking like a ghost.”

I throw my legs over the bed and walk downstairs with her. She made homemade tomato soup and grilled cheese. The chair I sit on can’t even hold me up straight. I slump over like a soggy piece of lettuce.

“Your mom called,” Lia says while setting my food down.

“What did she say?” I ask as I throw a piece of grilled cheese in my mouth.

“She wanted to know how you were doing.”

I told my mom everything that had happened. It still surprised her that I'm hurt over Jay more than Aiden. She’s been trying to take me out. We went out a few times. I’m such a drag to be around. Still am.

“I also texted Aiden.” I look up at her. “You know, to see if he signed the papers or not. He never responded.”

“I haven’t understood what he’s doing in a while.” I turn back to my grilled cheese and keep picking at it.

* * *

A few weeks have passed by, and I started working out again so I could get myself out of this slump. I started feeling disgusting not eating and staying in bed. Lia bugged me so much about getting out of bed. I’m glad she was here; I’d probably still be in bed otherwise. All I can do is work on myself for the better.

I’ve still had zero contact with Jay. I know I could text Alex or Lia could text him and find out how he is doing. Embarrassment stops me. I don’t know if Lia has talked to Alex or not about the situation or if she knows more than she’s telling me. She’s letting me decide for myself what I want to do, since she has already told me I was an idiot for allowing Jay to walk away.

I have not tried to contact Aiden, either. Every time I think about it, exhaustion consumes me and brings me back down. So I’ve been avoiding it. We need to get everything done and I know I can't keep avoiding this.

Thirty minutes of walking on the treadmill fly by faster than usual. Since my work keeps me sedentary I have been trying to incorporate walking into my workout routine. Some days are harder than others because I despise cardio. I’d rather walk outside but it’s been too cold and gloomy to do that. The weather hasn’t helped my mood either. I’m finally in a place where I discipline myself when my motivation is lacking. It’s only been a couple of weeks. We’ll see how much discipline I have later.

I pull my car door open and get in. Resting a little before I drive off, I decide to text Aiden. I hadn’t spoken to him since the night at the bar. Hopefully the serotonin release from my workout will help keep me from the exhaustion I know will wash over me when Aiden and I talk.

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