Page 35 of Nanny for the Rockstars

“What is?” he asks.

“Hendrix’s first show,” I say. “Granted, he is asleep for it, but still. I think it’s great fun for him to be able to be with you guys from the very beginning.”

“He’s always going to have the backstage passes. Damn. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when he’s in high school and trying to get a date. He’ll have his pick of the girls because of who his dads are.”

“Sure, except you guys are going to be old balls by then,” I tease.

“Hey now, we’re still going to be in our forties. That’s not too old. Isn’t Eminem in his forties?” he asks.

“Pretty sure he’s in his fifties by now, but he’s in a different genre. Besides, how many kids these days do you know of who listen to him?” I ask. “It’s like the cool thing to do is to listen to the really old bands even if you don’t know who the fuck you’re talking about.”

“True,” he agrees with a nod. “But still. It’s going to be quite a thing I’m sure.”

“I can only imagine. I’ll keep an eye on the magazines and everything to see if I can get a glimpse of him every now and then. I don’t think he’s going to need a nanny when he’s in high school,” I muse.

“Why don’t you just look at him with your own eyes?” he asks me. “I mean, why do you have to try to see him in the media?”

I don’t say anything at first. I don’t want to come off as whiny, but I also don’t know quite how to answer. What better time to be completely honest about how I feel than now? But then, what’s Terry going to think when I’m open and honest with him about this?

“I guess I’m still scared you guys are going to get tired of me. I’m afraid you’re going to reach a point when you just want to chase after other girls, and you won’t give me a second thought. Especially when Hendrix is too old to have a nanny and you don’t need to have me around anymore.”

The words come rushing out, and I hold my breath for a moment. I’m not quite sure what to say. I feel silly for baring my soul this way, but this has also been bothering me for the past few days.

“Why would we do that?” Terry asks. “I’m having the time of my life, and from the way Caleb and Julian are acting, I’d say they feel the same.”

“But what about before? I mean, sure, right now it’s all fun and exciting to have me back and everything, but like, what about when we get past this crazy honeymoon stage? What happens then?” I ask.

“Are you implying we’re going to just kick you to the curb?”

“I’m more worried about when other girls still throw themselves at you. What am I going to do when I can’t compete with them?” I ask. My throat constricts and I swallow hard, fighting to keep myself under control. The last thing I want is to break down.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” Terry replies, “but you’re the only one we’ve hooked up with since getting on the road.”

“It’s not like you’ve been doing a lot of shows,” I tell him. “I figure that’s when you’re going to get bombarded with women.”

“Sure, we do have more options when we do a show, but that’s not the only time we get the attention of the female half of the species,” he explains. “There’s been plenty of times when we’ve picked up girls at bars, restaurants, shit, even gas stations. Kind of the benefit of being famous.”

“Not sure if that makes me feel worse or better,” I say as I roll my eyes. “So basically I don’t have to worry about just the shows, but there might be a number of times when you get someone who wants to have sex with you?”

“You’re missing the point,” he says. “The point is that we’ve had many options at this point to hook up, and we haven’t taken them. None of us have wanted to have sex or bring anyone else to the bus or to a hotel because we’re with you. Trust me, with how much we love sex, that’s been no accident.”

I don’t say anything for a minute. I haven’t thought about it like that before, so his explanation does show me that they aren’t just having sex with me out of convenience. There must be more to it than that.

Terry just confirmed there’s more to it than that.

“I guess I’m still hanging on to what happened before,” I reply softly. “I get that we don’t see things the same way when we talk about what happened there, but still, it bothers me.”

“Don’t get hung up on the past,” Terry tells me.

He turns around, and I walk up to him, letting him take me in his arms. He’s right, I can’t be so hung up on the past that I can’t appreciate the now or look forward to the future. That’s going to ruin everything. If I’m going to be able to be present in what we’re doing now, then I’m going to have to let it go.

But it’s so hard.

“It’s hard to just let it go,” I say. “It’s hard to be around the three of you and not still think about how much I hate you for what you did to me. I don’t want to feel that way, but if I’m honest, that is how I feel.”

I’m not sure what I want him to say, or if I even expect him to say anything. What I don’t expect, however, is for him to lean forward and press his lips to mine. He kisses me deeply, but not with the frenzied passion they have been taking me with lately.

There’s a confidence about the way he kisses me that puts my mind at ease. Even if he hasn’t fixed the past or convinced me that nothing bad will happen in the future, the way he’s kissing me now is telling me that he means it when he says that they care about me, and they aren’t going to just throw me to the side like I’m nothing.

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