Page 19 of Voyeur
I just couldn’t follow through and let her reciprocate before the past sunk in on me.
Shannon set her glass down before scooting close and leaning in to kiss me. I watched her eyes close as her soft lips pressed to mine. Watched her lashes cast a shadow along her cheek as she allowed me entrance to her mouth, and I tasted the fruity wine on her tongue. When her hands skimmed up my thighs, I linked my fingers with hers and held them between us.
I wanted the kissing to last longer. If I had to be honest, I was lonely, and kissing was an intimacy I could gain the most from. I needed this.
My heart kicked up when her hands slipped away and moved to my shoulders. She threw a leg over my lap and straddled me. Her flowy skirt rode up her thighs and exposed the tops of her stockings. When she began to grind on me, I moved back to the kissing. I cupped her breasts, trying to remind myself of who was on top of me. She moaned when I flicked my thumbs across her nipples. The sound sent shockwaves down to my cock and hope floating through me.
But then her hands dropped to the crotch of my pants, and I jerked, my heart beating in an uneven pattern before settling into an erratic thump. I focused on the feel of her soft breasts under my palms. I focused on her vanilla scent that screamed woman. I focused on her face and smooth lips smiling at me as she got my zipper undone.
Thankfully it was dim in the room, the only light coming from the kitchen through an open doorway. She couldn’t see the sweat beading on my forehead. Or the panic fighting its way through my body. As soon as her small hand snaked under my pants and brushed the skin of my dick, I lost. I lost the battle with my past, with my ability to hide my panic. I hit a brick wall of shame and embarrassment.
I didn’t want to have to explain to her how I’d gone so far and why I was jerking back now. So, I did the next best thing. I flipped her to her back and pinned her hands above her head. Her eyes widened in excitement, and she rolled her hips against mine. I kissed down her neck as I worked my hand under her panties and pushed my fingers inside her. I worked her over, using all the skills I’d learned when I needed to avoid the topic of why their hands weren’t on me. She moaned, and I focused on the task until she was squeezing around my fingers.
I knew what came next. That she’d want to return to touching me and I couldn’t. I’d tried, and I’d failed, and now I needed to get the hell out of there.
As soon as she’d finished coming, I paused, freezing my whole body.
“Shit.”
“What?” Shannon asked breathlessly.
“My phone is going off,” I said, relying on her dazed state to distract her from the fact that my phone wasn’t going off. “I’ve got to go and call them back. I’ve been expecting a call from a friend. His wife is due any day now.” I pressed one last kiss to her lips and pulled back, quickly refastening my pants.
“Oh. Okay.” She copied my moves and adjusted her skirt as she walked me to the door. “Let’s get together again soon,” she said, stepping in close. Peeking up from below her lashes, she grazed her hand across my crotch, and I fought to not flinch. “I want to return the favor.”
I endured one last caress before I was able to escape. The touch churned my stomach and nausea burned through me.
I wasn’t going to call her again. It had been a mistake to even try.
Sitting in my car, I waved and pulled off.
My jaw clenched as anger at myself replaced the nausea. Embarrassment burned my skin. At a stoplight, I considered turning the other way and going to Voyeur. Maybe she’d be there. Maybe I’d be able to replace the feeling inside me with a better one. A performance to spark my imagination into something hopeful.
Without overthinking it, I made the turn toward Voyeur, my mind conjuring which boxes I’d check when I got there. I imagined a fist lost in Oaklyn’s long hair, gripping it, holding her tight as she’s fucked. Picturing myself as the man behind her rather than her partner helped the nausea and embarrassment wane. A manic joy brewed inside me with each mile, and by the time I’d reached the club, I was on the edge of losing it.
There I was, in the dark of my car, an erection straining against my pants at the thought of fucking my student.
The nausea roared back. I was her teacher. She was a teenager. And to make myself feel better, I imagined fucking her. I gripped the steering wheel, like holding it tightly would help me keep a grip on my self-control. I swallowed, weighing the pros and cons.
Pro: Go into Voyeur and feel better, imagining yourself in the place of some man who fucks Oaklyn.
Con: Make a rash decision and go inside to have your nineteen-year-old student make you feel better as you imagine fucking her.
What the hell was I doing?3
I put the car in reverse and made my way home. Halfway there, I spotted a liquor store, and I swerved in to grab a bottle of bourbon, ready to make myself forget the mess I’d become.
Weak. I was weak, and I hated it. Deep breaths were my best friend as I made the last turn to my street. By the time I’d pulled into the driveway, I felt halfway human again. Halfway like a functioning adult. Enough of one to put the liquor in the top cabinet and not crack the seal just yet. I only needed to find complete control again, and I’d be fine.
I’d be fine.4
chaptereight
Oaklyn
I’d liedto myself when I’d said I’d eventually adjust. It had been one week, and I was pretty sure I was dying from lack of sleep. I’d worked all weekend, including Sunday night. I hadn’t gotten home until one and still had to study for a quiz I had the next day. Who gave a quiz in the second week of classes? Then I’d had to head to the physics department. Thankfully I’d been able to leave early since Mr. Erikson didn’t have much work for me and Dr. Pierce hadn’t been there.
I’d fallen into a small coma early in the evening and woke up earlier than usual that morning. I tried to keep my eyes closed and fall back into dreamland but failed. So, I went ahead to campus and figured I’d get some work done. I walked into the building where my physics class was, hoping to find it empty, so I could sit in there to work for the thirty minutes before class.
