Page 12 of Clear Blue Sky

“There’s a name for that.” She inched closer, careful not to touch him, even though she so desperately wanted to.

“I’m well aware and before you ask the next question, yes, I’ve been to therapy.” He reached out and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. His fingers lingered across her neck. “I have triggers. The holidays are one. The anniversary of the mission is another. And running into the men who ended up saving my sorry ass.”

She squinted. “I would think they would trigger something else.”

He chuckled. “Gratitude is hard to come by when you’re the only one left standing.”

“Oh, God. That was a horrible thing for me to say. I’m so sorry.”

He looped his arm around her waist and drew her close to his chest. Pressing his lips against her cheek, he whispered, “Guilt tends to kick in every time I feel grateful to be alive.”

“Do you ever try to consider what your teammates would be doing if the tables were turned?”

“I like how you’re not afraid to speak what you think.” A broad smile appeared on his face. “That’s an exercise my last therapist had me do and it has been helpful because deep down, I would want them to go on with their lives. To be happy and fulfilled. I can’t expect it to be different for me.”

She palmed his cheek. “But living it has to be hard.”

* * *

Nelson’s heart beat so fast he struggled to hear the crickets chirping in the background. His emotions had been swirling in his gut all day. He’d tried going for run. Lifting weights. He did everything he’d been taught to deal with his demons.

But they wouldn’t go away. They festered in the back of his mind every damn day. However, he’d managed to carve out a decent life for himself. His restaurant was doing well, and he had his brothers at his side.

What more could he ask for?

He curled his fingers around her wrist and lowered her hand. Her green-blue eyes were warm and caring. It had been a long time since he felt safe in a woman’s embrace.

If ever.

But especially since what Roxy had done. That level of betrayal to both her husband and to Nelson felt diabolical. Outside of his two brothers, the only human he’d ever told what really happened had been his therapist. Roxy’s family had their version of the truth and Nelson didn’t bother to correct them. They slung their mud in his direction but ultimately kept it quiet. They didn’t want Seth’s good reputation to be tainted by an affair, even though it would have done more damage to Nelson.

He didn’t know why they chose to keep the one-night stand quiet, but he often wondered if that dirty little secret would come back and bite him in the ass.

“Sometimes I feel as though I’m barely existing. It goes from one trigger moment to the next, hoping something will change.”

“Did something happen?”

He let out a long breath. “I’ve been selfishly using you. Asking you to spend the night—”

She covered his mouth. “You can’t use someone unless they expect something other than what you’re offering.”

“What if I want to change the dynamic of what’s happening between us?” This wasn’t the best direction to take the conversation. It wasn’t so much that he wanted a long-term, serious relationship with Brandi, but he wanted more than sex.

He’d wanted to be grounded. That’s why he’d come to Lake George. He had one foot here and he needed to plant the other one. He wasn’t capable of love. He had no idea why, but it had never happened for him, and he figured at his age, it wasn’t in the cards. He accepted it, but that didn’t mean he didn’t want someone in his life.

Intimacy had always been what destroyed his relationships.

Brandi offered him something that could work because there was built-in separation. He could keep her at a safe distance, but still have someone who brought a bit of normalcy.

She arched a brow. “I’m listening.”

“This conversation isn’t scaring you off?” He lifted his glass, swirled the red liquid, and sipped, keeping his gaze tightly locked with hers. This was a crazy move. His motives were split. He did want this, but he wanted something else too and if she ever found out, she’d have his head served on a platter.

“Was that your intention?”

“Other than the first night we hooked up, we haven’t gotten past hello before ripping each other’s clothes off.” He waggled his finger between them. “This is the first real conversation we’ve had and it’s pretty intense.” He’d started this evening with the thought he’d keep her at arm’s length. Marcus had gotten into his head and twisted his emotions. Nelson couldn’t think straight. One second he wanted to put his fist through a wall, the next he wanted to drown himself in a bottle of rum. What happened with Roxy had nothing to do with his performance or the outcome of his mission.

But if Marcus was telling the truth, and Seth had found out, that SEAL team’s fate could have been a different story.

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