Page 120 of Powerless
Almost as uncomfortable as the silence that descends over Sloane and me in the aftermath of that conversation.
I want to tell her that I love her. The words practically scorch the tip of my tongue as I hold them back. But it’s not enough. Or maybe it’s too much.
Of course, I love her. I always have. But this? Now? I love her so much differently than I’ve loved a single other person in my life.
A truck, a hotel, a snow-covered runaway lane, it doesn’t matter—she’s home.
She’s the air I breathe and that fucking terrifies me.
Because no matter how fiercely I love someone, I know they always leave.
34
Sloane
Dad:7 p.m. Wednesday at The Frontier. Make the smart choice.
Sloane:Smart for me? Or smart for you?
We drive in tense silence, clutching one another’s hands. I don’t think I’ve let Jasper’s hand go for longer than a few seconds here and there.
And he’s been the one to reach for me. Every time.
After years of reaching for him, he’s reaching back. I just don’t know if taking his hand is the smart move anymore.
I went from elated and horny, bursting with all the mushy feelings, to worrying my love might ruin this man’s life.
My dad pulled the rug out from under me with such force that I’m toppling. I’m Alice down the fucking rabbit hole into Wonderland where absolutely nothing makes sense.
Except nothing about this situation is charming or quirky.
We pull up in front of the little bungalow I’ve worked the hardest on updating. The one we’ve been playing house in. The one he bought just to give my dad a solidfuck you.And now I’m seeing why.
I sit stunned, seeing the house in a new light. It felt like we were building a home here. We’ve made a point to make love in every room. I’ve put a wreath on the front door and twisted Christmas lights around the patio banisters.
My dad has managed to tarnish even this for me. Chestnut Springs. Jasper. My love life. I’m once again plunged into that ice bath of realizing I’ve been the perfect little pawn and haven’t been smart enough to notice.
“I have to go back into the city early for practice in the morning,” Jasper says.
I nod. When he asked me where I wanted to be, I said, “Take me to Chestnut Springs.”
I had zero desire to stay in the same city as my dad.
“You okay?” His warm fingers squeeze mine, pulsing like a heartbeat.
Jasper has always been my heartbeat, and I still wonder if I’m his. If he feels this as intensely as I do.
If he loves me.
He hasn’t said the words and neither have I. In a way, we’ve felt tenuous, too unsettled. Fragile, like a stack of blocks that’s slightly askew. One brief rumble and it could all go toppling. We both have shit we haven’t been brave enough to face. We’ve had our heads in the sand.
Could he love me if it meant losing his career, his passion? It’s the one thing he’s worked so hard to achieve. He overcame everything for it.
“No,” I whisper. “I’m not.”
“I’m sorry, Sunny.”
“Yeah.” I sigh raggedly, finally turning to look at Jasper. His keen midnight eyes analyze me under furrowed brows. He is so damn handsome in his expensive suit. He’s a man of contradictions. Rugged and polished. Hot and cold. Soft and hard. Happy and sad. Broken and mended.
