Page 132 of Reckless
I click my phone off and lie here, staring at the ceiling.
Hating myself. Hating what I said. Hating I’m here instead of there, with them.
I call Winter, but she doesn’t answer. I call her again. And again. All to no avail. Before I give up and sink into the numbness of the night, eyes latched on the fan above me until I feel dizzy.
My phone buzzes in my hand, and I jump, hoping it’s her.
But it’s my mom calling. Again.
I press the button on the side to ignore the call. I love my mom, love that she cares enough to call, but I need to figure my shit out alone. I haven’t been alone in what feels like a very long time.
Within minutes it vibrates again. This time, Summer is calling me. I ignore it again.
Over the years, I’ve grown accustomed to fending for myself. I haven’t been accountable to anyone.
Now it’s like I’m stretched thin. I’m too many things to too many people. My goals and my needs seem to clash with this new perspective on life, with these new people in my life.
I’ve spent years wanting nothing more than to be my dad. To win a WBRF championship so I can say I followed in his footsteps. Now, what I want even more is to be the dad he could never be because he couldn’t give up on his dream. It was never enough.
I still want to win, but there are other things I want too.
I feel like Winter when she needed that time alone in the bath. Time alone getting her nails done.
It’s my turn. I’m sick over tonight. My heart is heavy with regret. But I need a moment alone to let shitty thoughts consume me, so I can wake up prepared to go back to Chestnut Springs and dig Rob Valentine a nice deep hole to live in.
One he can’t crawl out of and upend my family again.
But at midnight on a Friday, there isn’t much I can do. So, I turn my phone off, plug it in across the room, and fall into a fitful sleep where I dream about Winter and Vivi and how much I miss them.
Then I dream aboutthatnight.
35
Winter
*Three missed calls from Theo*
* * *
“Ma.”
I wake up to Vivi sticking her finger up my nostril in a darkened room. “Viv, what are you doing?”
I roll toward her, hoping she’ll doze back off, but she fights my hugs like I’m an assailant she needs to escape, so I let her go.
The first thing she does is honk my boobs, like she wants to know the milk is there and it’s an option. Then she crawls under the covers, and I know what she’s seeking.
Peter.
He’s curled between my feet in my bed, where I clearly crashed while putting Vivi to sleep. I haven’t tried to put her in her crib since Theo left. I’ve grown attached to having the firm heat of him next to me, and I’m basically using Vivi as the world’s tiniest body pillow.
One who picks my nose and grabs my boobs in the middle of the night.
“Why do you love being awake so much?” I groan, scrubbing at my face and checking my phone for the time.
Midnight.
Memories trickle in as my awareness returns. The rodeo. The paternity test. Theo and his bitchy attitude.
