Page 101 of Because of Blake

She sighs. “We’re heading to school. Don’t worry about lunch, I made one for me and one for Dylan. Please, get up and eat something. We’ll see you later.” Her feet pad across the floor, and I hear her pause to open the bedroom door. “I love you.”

The tears welling in my eyes finally burst forth, creating a puddle under my cheek. How can I do this to my kids year in and year out?

In the beginning, it made sense. I was a wreck after Charlie’s death, and the first year anniversary of it was even worse. Sydney was only eight, but even then she knew something was wrong. She called Michelle who promptly came and stayed for two days until I was able to get out of bed, not leaving until after dinner on the third day.

But that was four years ago. This is year five. How am I still like this?

I loved Charlie, that’s how.

He was my everything. And when you have everything ripped away from you so suddenly, the gaping wound it leaves doesn’t heal quickly. If at all.

It would heal a lot faster if Charlie was here to help me. But then I wouldn’t need healing. I have to work with what I have, and what I have is my children, my best friend, and Blake.

Reaching for my phone, I unlock the screen. I tap the messages button, my finger hovering over Blake’s name. “Ugh, I can’t do this.” I flop onto my back and let my phone slip out of my hand.

If I do call Blake, then I’m failing to do this on my own. Sitting up, I knock my head against my headboard and sigh. I’m such a pathetic mess. I don’t need to involve Blake in this right now.

My stomach rumbles. “Syd did tell me to eat something. I guess I should.” I roll out of bed and head downstairs.

The toast pops out of the toaster and I butter it, sitting down at the table. I haven’t been at the kitchen table more than a minute when my phone dings. Blake’s picture pops up. With a deep sigh, I open the message, same as all the others.

BLAKE:Hey. Checking in. You okay? Need anything?

My trembling fingers hover over the keyboard, but I don’t type my typical response. I can’t. It would be lies. I’m definitely not alright, and I do need something; him. But I can’t tell him without letting pieces of Charlie fade away.

So, instead of replying, I close the app and put my phone on Do Not Disturb. The only calls allowed are the kids’ school, and Sydney’s cell. I finish my toast before climbing the stairs and getting back into bed.

The rest of the day is surprisingly peaceful without my phone going off every hour. Blake’s not the only one checking on me. Michelle has been doing her best friend duty and texting also, but she’s not as adamant about it as Blake.

I should probably let her know what’s going on so she doesn’t freak out when I don’t answer her. I take my phone off Do Not Disturb and I’m instantly hit with several texts and even a voicemail. All from Blake. Evidently, he did not take kindly to me leaving him on “Read” all day.

The texts are all along the same lines, though they do increase in intensity as they go.

BLAKE:Maggie, are you ok?

BLAKE:Hello?

BLAKE:Are you ignoring me?

BLAKE:This isn’t funny.

BLAKE:Now you’re worrying me.

BLAKE:Maggie?

BLAKE:Please let me know you’re ok.

The last one was sent a half hour ago. I chew on my lip as I think about my next move. I should text him back, at least let him know I’m alive. That’s harmless. No risk of replacing Charlie with that one. I pick up my phone, but before I can hit send, my doorbell rings. I sigh as I try to think about what I ordered from Amazon, and get out of bed.

The doorbell rings again.

And again.

Then there’s a knock. More like pounding.

I know who it is. I gather myself and fly down the stairs. At the front door, listening to Blake beat his fist into it, I steel myself and turn the knob. Blake’s arm stops mid-air, and his wide eyes lock on mine. They’re full of fear and worry, and seem to be glossier than I remember.

Was he crying?

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