Page 107 of Finding New Dreams

I sighed, laying out silverware just so. “There just isn’t much to say.”

“He’s leaving, and you don’t want him to. I assume because of all the awesome sex you’ve been having.”

Gasping, I dropped a fork. “What makes you say that?”

“Girl, he’s been sleeping over every night for a week. Now, I don’t hear anything, but I have eyeballs.” She poured herself a glass of wine. “Plus, Chloe mentioned he hasn’t been home all week.”

I groaned, holding out a glass for her to fill. “Was she upset?”

“Nah. She just hoped he wasn’t avoiding her.”

“Of course not! At least, I don’t think so.” I took a big gulp of the sweet red wine. “It was just…easier for him to stay over. And you’re right, I wanted him there. But now…”

“Now he’s leaving. And you went home alone last night. Ergo, you don’t want him to leave.”

“How does that make any sense?”

“Oh, Rosie. If you didn’t have any feelings for the man, you would’ve banged him until his boarding call and said ‘see ya whenever.’ But you didn’t. Why?”

I scowled into my glass. “Because I didn’t want him to see I was upset by the news.”

“And why were you upset?”

“Because…because I thought I’d have more time with him.”

“Why not just tell him that? He’d be flattered.”

“Because this was supposed to be simple! And now it seems anything but. I can’t wrap my head around it. And when he’s around…”

Gina nodded. “You only want to wrap around him. Got it.”

A reluctant laugh escaped my lips. “Yes. But it’s more than that. I think…I think Chloe and Sarah were right to worry about me. I thought I could box up all my feelings for him and walk away.”

“But?”

I turned away, my throat tightening. “But it hurts, okay? I admit it. Even though I’ve never done anything like this before, I thought it’d hurt a lot less.”

“I still think you should tell him,” Gina said softly.

I frowned at her. “No. We both understood the limits. He’s leaving, I have my list; we can’t have anything beyond this.”

“You trust him, though. You let him have a key to your studio. He sleeps in your bed in your apartment in your town. Yes, he used to live here too, but my point is that your list is telling you one thing about him, while your heart is telling you another.” She clasped my hand in hers, her brown eyes full of sincerity. “But that list can’t dictate who you fall in love with, Rose.”

I jerked backward. “In love? No. No, no, no. Nope. That’s not what this is. I’m just attached. He doesn’t match. We don’t match. He’s fun and charming, but he’s not out for commitment. A family. Romance. But I am.”

“Did he say he’s not?”

“Well, not in so many words, but he read my list. He knows. He could’ve told me then. And I don’t want to be that clingy woman he can’t shake after a fling. I won’t be that woman again. For any man.”

Gina silently dished up her taco casserole and set out her salsa with chips. Her narrowed eyes told me she was thinking hard. So I waited. Ate a few blue corn tortilla chips.

Then she sat down, her expression solemn. “Are you just afraid he won’t want you back?”

“Doesn’t everyone have that fear?”

“A list isn’t going to keep you from getting hurt, Rose. There will always be a risk. But you can’t always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

I tossed my uneaten chip onto my plate. “But it usually does! When I was a kid, family after family crushed my hopes of being kept. When my parents adopted me, I stashed a bag of art supplies they’d bought me and some clothes under my bed for a year, thinking they might change their minds. That I’d be ready when they did.”

---