Page 126 of Dirty Eoin

I’m not saying things couldn’t have been handled differently or better. As is always the case in these situations, of course they could have. But Jaine’s far from stupid. Deep down, she must know that the person most responsible for this situation is Paddy himself because he kept her a secret.

She’s refused to face facts and simply shot the messenger who delivered the unwelcome news. She made me the scapegoat before taking all her anger, turning it into hatred, and directing it at me. It was then much easier to blame the person she hated for everything that had gone wrong as opposed to the one she loved.

“I apologize for the part Ididplay,” I say. “I should have come clean when I found out about the messages. At that point, I should either have ended it, or I should have allowed you to communicate with each other. Discreetly, of course. Your love would have seen you never put the other at risk, so I was confident that no truths would ever be revealed. You would simply have assumed Paddy was happy with his lot and vice versa because for either of you to convey otherwise would have put the other’s life in jeopardy.”

“Then why didn’t you?”

She doesn’t sound angry, which is what I expected. More curious.

“Because I was selfish, Jaine. By that point, I wanted you for myself. If you were able to speak with him, then you would have had no need to ever speak with me. I didn’t want that, so I continued to let him suffer, even though I could have easily ended his torment.”

And there it is. The guilt I choke on.

Jaine has no axe to grind with me. She must see that now.

Paddy does, but it’s not for her to avenge him. He’ll be quite capable of doing that himself when the truth finally comes out.

“Because you love me.”

“Yes.”

There’s no point in denying it. I’ve already admitted it aloud. I realize now that I always have.

There’s a long pause.

“I accept your apology, Eoin. I understand your reasons. Why you did and said what you did. Even though you clearly thought of no-one but yourself at times, you did it for Irish mostly. And I’d be lying if I said that the message exchange didn’t help me as much as it did him. If I’d known it was Padraig, I’m confident I would have put an end to it, so maybe it did all work out for the best.” She pauses once more. “I hope that you can also accept my apology. I’m sorry. Those two words pale into insignificance when contrasted against the magnitude of what I’ve done. I’m not proud of my behavior. My plan was pre-meditated. It was a personal and deliberate attack based purely on revenge, which is not like me. I now know that the responsibility wasn’t yours exclusively. Subconsciously or otherwise, I chose to make it so as it’s often easier to stick the pins of blame into someone you hate.”

She pauses. I can tell there’s more to come, but I’m not sure I want to hear any more.

Someone you hate.

“There’s one thing that we will have to disagree on, however.”

“And that is?”

“That you ever loved me. Because you didn’t, or at least not in the true sense of the word.”

“And you know that how?” I ask quietly.

“Because love is what I felt for Ace and for Irish. And I would have waited a lifetime for either if I thought there was any chance of a future together. Love completes you as a person, and without them, I never felt truly whole. Real love isn’t something you get over in a day or a week, or in your case, a month. Real love is something you never get over. You just learn to survive each new day without your person. So, I’m sorry, but I call bullshit on your claim that you ever loved me because it’s clear you never did given how quickly you moved on. All I’ve ever been to you is an infatuation. The biker chick with the mouth of a sailor who dared stand up to the future Irish king.”

I exhale slowly before asking my own burning question. “And did you ever love me, Jaine?”

There’s a pause.

Even though I suspect I know the answer, I want to hear it. I need to know for sure. Once and for all.

“No. I’ve never loved you, Eoin.”

I don’t respond. Not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t.

I’ve never loved you.

I think back over our time together. Over thetoxictwo years. Over the past months when she’s acted out of character in so many ways. I understand why.

Grief.

Not just for Ace, but also for Padraig. For reasons known only to herself, she watched him take the vows. From a front row seat, she watched as the final curtain of their doomed relationship fell for the last time. I’m certain the loss of him will also feel like a death to her. And I’m sure she’ll continue to process each regret andwhat-ifmoment as they arise. I’m also sure that top of her list of regrets will be the five months of her life she’ll feel she wasted with me. Squandered in her eyes, but quite the opposite in mine.

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