Page 126 of For his Surrender

For a moment, I think I hear them ask me,What about you, Marcos? What about you?Will you always be there too?And I want to answer yes!I’ll always be there for Isabella...For you...What the fuck?! What the fuck is going on with me today?I look away, not enduring the doubt about whether or not I’m hearing things from Antonella’s eyes.

“My father...” I answer the question that had already been forgotten without looking at my wife.She clears her throat and I wait in silence.

“Was it because of him?” Thank God she remembers.

“Yes... He’s always been my favorite superhero, you know?At home… And out there… I just wanted to be like him” I admit something few know. Few people know my relationship with my father.I can count on the fingers of both hands who knows the real reason for my career choice and on one hand those who know how accomplished I am with it.Not being able to run away without the atmosphere getting even stranger than it already has, I look back at the woman lying next to me.Antonella is nodding. “What about you?Why did you decide to follow your father’s footsteps? Knowing your story, I would never have expected that, even before Isabella.” As if pulled by an invisible thread, my hand reaches Antonella’s cheek and caresses her smooth skin.If far away I seem to be constantly drawn towards her, so close, I just can’t avoid not touching her, I don’t want to.

“I didn’t want to. In fact, before Isabella, I was about to go to law school like anything else in my life.Just for the looks of it, you know?But everything changed after her...Everything became clear...And I want to be able to help women like me.”

“Beautiful women?”

“Lone women.”

“You’re not alone, Antonella!” I’m quick to state, but her answer is a sad smile.

“Being pregnant, homeless, without a family, in adolescence...It’s hard, but I can’t imagine an age when that becomes easier.If it weren’t for Grazi...” A short exhalation leaves her lips together with a sound of disbelief. “I can’t even imagine where Bella and I would be at this point…” She shakes her head, denying it. “Absolutely not here.We were lucky.So lucky...” Stops talking and squeezes her eyes tightly, clearly, trying to stop herself from crying. “Many, many women don’t have even one percent of it, Marcos…” another pause, “not even one percent…” Her words come out in a whisper, and a silent tear rolls down her face. “I just want to be able to do something.I just want to be for someone the chance that Grazi was for me, you know?” I shake my head and crawl across the bed, ending the very little space between us and putting my arms around Antonella.

I rest my forehead on hers.

“If I knew how, I’d go back in time just so you’d never have to go through it…” I say, and every word is true.Just imagining Antonella, at seventeen, lost, alone, with no idea what to do, with nowhere to go.Fuck.Just imagining drives me crazy.She smiles and brushes her face against mine in a caress.

“Then I’d never have Bella... It would be a meaningless life, Marcos...It would be a sad life.Things aren’t always going to go as planned, and that’s okay.Life is more than just plans working out.” Her eyes are open, completely focused on me.I nod, let the words seep into my mind,Life is more than plans working out…“Marcos…” calls me even though our gazes have never shifted from each other.

“Yes...” Antonella blinks as if she were making a decision.But at last, what comes out of her mouth is a request.

“Marcos, kiss me?”

And I kiss her.

“I want to tell him,” I say as Grazi picks up the phone as I walk back and forth over the fluffy carpet in my room.

“Huh...” Sounds confused and sleepy. “It’s six in the morning... You’ll need to be a little more specific if you want me to understand what you’re talking about.” Clears her throat and I can picture her rubbing her eyes at this very moment.

“About Isabella’s father, Grazi... I want to tell Marcos!” The statement leaves my mouth in a hurried flood of words.Desperate is exactly how I feel, no longer enduring this secret and what still hiding it means.

Last night I was very close to telling him everything, but my cowardness stopped me.I did not have the courage to risk what will be marked in me as one of the most perfect days I have ever lived.

Lying in my husband’s arms, exchanging confidences, I wanted so badly to feel deserving of what hurt.The great irony is that what makes me feel like an impostor is precisely what, if revealed, can make me lose what I want so much to deserve.

“Wait, what?” Silence. A little more silence.A deep exhale.Sound of clothes rustling.My friend’s voice. “After five years of not touching the subject even with me, all of a sudden, you want to tell him? Nel, it’s too early for me to process this kind of information, simply, too early...” I can hear her dragging footsteps and the opening of a door. I snort.

“I told you I was bothered by that, Grazi!”

“Being bothered is one thing, Nel!Making such a decision is quite another!” My friend’s voice sounds slurred, sleepy. “Too early, Nel! It’s too early for you to make me think,” she grumbles.

“Alright! I’ll call you in ten minutes!” I turn off my phone and look at the clock on the bedside table.I start walking back and forth in the room as if that would make time go by faster.It won’t, but I need to waste energy somehow, or I’m in serious danger of exploding.

I shouldn’t have kept this secret from Marcos.Not when more than once he asked me if I kept any and in all of them I said no.In my defense, I never expected the two of us to reach the level of intimacy we have today.

I know it doesn’t justify it, but Marcos’ opinion should be irrelevant in my life, I should just not care about it.Spoiler alert? I do. Every day, a little more.

I sigh and run my hands over my face, through my hair. I ran away from his room even if there’s no need for it. After yesterday, I doubt Isabella wakes up before eleven o’clock in the morning, so today sneaking out was really unnecessary.I could have slept a little longer, I could have enjoyed more of his embrace, I could have even woken him up the way he loves it, with his cock in my mouth, but I couldn’t.

I stayed up all night, with my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, but the truth is, I just couldn’t.If my mind was agitated before our conversation, after it, my head became a true carnival parade.I want to tell him, I need to tell him.I take a deep breath and look at the clock.Five minutes.

My mind tortures itself, again and again, projecting behind my eyelids the possible reactions of Marcos.Anger, disappointment, betrayal?How will he feel?My husband was able to get over it before, he’ll be able to now too, right?I tell myself, even though I know it’s not true. The situation before was completely different.

There was no real intimacy between us.We didn’t share a bed, smiles, or confessions.There was no promise of explicit honesty on both sides and I risk to say that not even the expectation of it.There was no care, affection or racing heart and bright smiles just for seeing him.Now there is.There’s all that and a little more.

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