Page 139 of For his Surrender

I blink my eyes and review the same facts at least ten times.I run my tongue over my lips, and time seems to stop while I understand that yes, she tried.Antonella tried to tell me. Fuck!I leave the glass of whiskey on the table, needing both hands to rub over my face and pull my hair.

Fuck! Shit! She tried to tell me. It makes sense! She hid us from her daughter, probably out of fear of how things would turn out after I knew the truth.

“Oh, fuck! She really tried to tell me!” Saying the words out loud seems to take a ton off my shoulders.I expel all the air from my lungs and look at João Pedro as I blink, hallucinating.

“Does that change anything?”

“That changes a lot!”

“Why?”

“Because if a reciprocal love cannot overcome everything, let alone the one-sided, João. And I would have a hard time believing that she loves me if she could lie to me so blatantly, no matter what the reasons.” My friend shakes his head, nodding in agreement.

“Look at you! All grown-up!”

“Fuck you!” I say laughing.

“No... one at a time is enough, and you’re already fucked for two.” I shake my head, seeing myself forced to agree with him. “And does that change things at the level ofyou know what you’re going to door just at the level ofI don’t feel so miserable anymore?

“You are very good at creating scales, huh?” I ironize. “But for now, I’m at theI don’t feel so miserable anymorelevel!

“João!” We both turned our faces toward the door as the door opened, and Eliza passed her calling for her husband, but interrupted herself upon discovering my presence. “Oh, sorry! I didn’t know you were here, Marcos!” she apologizes, and her face rises a few shades of red.

With peripheral vision, I see the drooling smile that was drawn on João Pedro’s face just to see his wife and, even in the midst of my sadness, I am truly happy for him.Now that I know the feeling, it’s impossible not to wish that every person I know also has a part of it.

“Eliza,” I call and get her full attention. “Can I ask you an indiscreet question?” Her face flushes even redder, but she agrees, shaking her head.

“You never ran away from João Pedro. Not even when things got really tough, you didn’t run away.Why not?Weren’t you afraid?” The woman’s eyebrows rise in surprise.It definitely wasn’t the kind of indiscreet question she expected, and I’d laugh if the situation wasn’t shitty.Eliza bites her bottom lip and tilts her head to the side, thoughtful for some time before answering me.

“I… I don’t think I was ever afraid of losing João...” she says and looks at my friend with the same dedicated look with which he looks at her. “I mean, I was very afraid of loneliness, Marcos. I was afraid it was all I’d ever know.I was afraid of deluding myself with things that actually only existed in my head.But when I got over that fear, there were no others.I was safe.No matter how bad things got, I knew João would be there.” I shake my head, agreeing with the words of the woman now standing before me, sitting on my friend’s legs and receiving a kiss on the cheek.

Eliza’s answer didn’t magically solve all my questions, but it did give me more than enough to think about.Antonella is afraid of loneliness.Not only for her, but for her daughter as well.And unlike Eliza who already had enough trust in João not to run away when they faced a complicated situation, my wife was still walking this path.

“I came to ask João to dinner. Why don’t you stay with us?”

And because I’m still not ready for what awaits me at home, I accept.

?

It’s after midnight when the elevator rings my arrival at home.I stalled as much as I could on the street in the hope that by the time I got home, Antonella would already be asleep.

However, all it takes is for me to walk through the lobby to realize that my plan has failed.Antonella’s red face and puffy eyes make me squint feeling guilt for leaving her alone.But I wasn’t ready to have this conversation before, and I’m certainly not ready yet.Things are clearer, but not yet enough.

She stops pacing from side to side as soon as her eyes reach me and starts walking toward me.Strange that she’s fully clothed at this time of night, but completely ignoring the sirens that it sounds in my brain, I say:

“Antonella... I’m tired... I think we’d better sleep and...”

“Marcos.” Her tone of voice puts my entire body on alert.Only by it I know that her next words will have nothing to do with the two of us.In large steps I cut the distance that separated us and spread my hands on her cheeks.

“What’s wrong?Did something happen to Isabella?”

“No!” She is quick to answer “Marcos...” Her mouth is still open, but no words come out of her and her eyes scream despair despite the silence.

“Antonella, what happened?” My heartbeat is already uneven, and my mind racing over all the bad news possible.

“Marcos, your father.” I stop moving, thinking, breathing. Everything, absolutely everything stops when an icy fear descends down my spine and spreads through every inch of me. And the world? I’m sure it also stopped turning.

CHAPTER 46

---