Page 24 of For his Surrender

I mean, did he talk to the doctor? Why? Actually, why is he still here? Why was he here at some point in the first place?

Amidst my despair from before, I just didn’t think, but Marcos was withdrawing his marriage proposal when my phone rang, so why the hell did he bring me to the hospital?Why the hell is he still here after all this time and drama?

“Why are you here?” I can’t help myself, and the question slips from my lips as I watch him frown.

I have many others, but in the dispute of words for who would come out first through my lips, that was the winner.His eyebrows rise and his arms uncross, only to then cross again.

“That’s a fair question, but I think we can talk about it later. Are you alright?” he asks, surprising me even more.

I mean, who are you and what did you do with Asshole Marcos?

“I’m fine now...”

“Well, do you want to eat something?”

“No. I wouldn’t be able, even if I wanted. Look, Marcos...” I know he said we’d talk later, but I don’t think I’m capable, because I really don’t understand what’s going on here.I’m about to tell him this when I hear the nurse’s voice.

“Mommy, did you manage to fill out the form?” she asks, making me turn my back on Marcos and look at her.

“No, not yet...”

“Could you do that for me now, please?”

“Yes, sure! Now...” I answer, and she walks away.

I look at Marcos over my shoulder, but I don’t have to say a word. He nods in blind agreement.And the crease on my forehead becomes even deeper. What the fuck?

I walk to the bed where Isabella is lying, I can’t help but touch her.My hand caresses the unbandaged part of her forehead and I sigh relievedly.It’s impossible to contain myself.I take the clipboard with the form to be filled in and raise my eyes, looking for a place to sit and finding the armchair next to Isabella empty.Only then do I realize that Marta is no longer in it. Actually, she is not in here, I find out, as I look around me.

Great. I don’t know if I can handle her and everything this situation means right now. I close my eyes, casting away the worries far away. Not now.

I sit on the armchair and start to fill the form. Name, age, CPF[3], mother’s name and, for the first time since Isabella was born, I do more than skip the father’s name field, I really look at it.I raise my eyes, looking for Marcos with my gaze.Not that I’m seeing him as a potential father to my daughter, God forbid!But that kind of support, God knows why he gave it to me this morning, this is the kind of thing a father would do, isn’t it?

Even if we weren’t married, if we weren’t having a relationship, he’d be there for his daughter.Maybe, he would have gotten here before me, maybe, Isabella had not needed to stay so long here, afraid and alone.Perhaps, with his help, I could afford a better health plan, with hospitals that provide much better support than the one I received today.If it wasn’t for Marcos breaking into the reception while I was completely paralyzed by worry, God only knows how much longer I would have had to wait until I found out my daughter’s location.

So, turning my eyes to the blank space for the first time in almost four years, I wonder if I’m stealing something from my daughter, when all I want is for her to have the whole world at her feet.I turn my face away from the sheet of paper.

Not now, Antonella. Not now.

I nod, agreeing with myself that not thinking about it now is an excellent decision. Not the time or place.

I fill in the information until all the fields, except the name of the father, are properly occupied, and I get up soon after.

At the counter, I hand the clipboard to the nurse along with my documents and my health insurance card, since she already has Isabella’s.It was handed by the day-care representative.I’m about to turn around to talk to Marcos again, when Bella’s sleepy, tearful little voice calls out to me.I almost run to her, who, again, clings to me like a sloth, puts her little face around my neck and falls asleep.

This time, I’m not returning her to bed.Screw the soft mattress, the best place for my daughter is in my arms.I go back to sitting in the armchair and I have her between sitting and lying on my lap.It is not the best position in the world and yet it manages to be the best position in the world.Now, I know what time it is, because I watch the clock turn over the door in front of me.

With every turn completed, I wonder why Marcos is still here.He’s still standing in the same place.He won’t come any closer, he won’t leave.The doctor returns to the infirmary, talks to me, repeating exactly what Marcos had already told me, leaves, and my boss does not.

And when his phone rings, disturbing the silence that dominates the pediatric ward at a time when all the children are asleep, causing him to gain an ugly and accusing look from the nurse, Marcos apologizes with a movement of his lips.So he looks at me, points to his phone, and then outside, telling me he will be right back.I shake my head, agreeing, but the truth is, I have no idea what’s going on here.

Of all the outcomes I imagined this morning when I left home, definitely none of them even came close to this one.

“I knew that someday, old Marcos would come to visit us.Four months of meetings completed and serious work...I was already getting worried!But you could at least have warned me that you weren’t coming to the meeting today, right?Bitch!I could have spent a few more hours with my wife!” It is the greeting I receive as soon as I answer João Pedro’s call, in the hallway next to the pediatric ward, and only then do I remember that I did not call the office to warn of my absence.

“Holy shit!” I grumble loudly to myself, but João Pedro thinks I’m talking to him.

“What? You had too much to drink last night, huh? Did I wake you up? Do you have a headache?” he asks screaming, believing that my absence from the meeting is the fault of a hangover and wanting to make my morning even more miserable than he believes it to be. Oh, João Pedro! You have no idea!

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