Page 35 of Leader

I can’t stop fidgeting as I try to gauge Cia’s reaction, but I don’t get any. She’s wearing a mask of indifference as she sits in front of me with her legs crossed, and her elbows resting on her knees that are peeking through the fashionable holes in the black jeans she’s wearing.

It’s not fair she looks so stunning even in jeans and one of Liam’s washed-out band tees she’s tied in a knot, exposing her stomach. She’s not wearing any makeup, and her hair is gathered on top of her head in a messy bun, exposing her long, slender neck. She’s sexy as fuck without even trying.

“The deal was pretty simple. If I gathered intel for her, became her spy, she’d make sure we would be together again after your fifteenth birthday. And—”

Unable to keep quiet, Cia sputters. “She did what?”

I can’t bear looking at my cousin while I lay myself bare, so I focus on a point just above her left shoulder. “She said that I had to stay away from you until then, and do as she said. If I agreed, which of course I did, she’d make sure we could be together again.” Despite the onslaught of emotions stirring in my chest, my voice sounds less gruff the more I talk. “Did you know I already loved and wanted you back then? Even when I was thirteen, it was you in my mind when I jerked off. It’s always been you.”

Cia uncrosses her legs and lies down on her back, patting the floor next to her. As much as I want to lie down beside her, I’m not sure it’s a good idea. When I take too long, she pads the floor more insistently, and I sigh at my inability to say no. Without a word, I move to her side and lie down. I’ve barely moved one arm behind my neck before she shuffles around so one leg is wrapped around me, and her head is resting on my chest—just above my heart.

“She knew I loved you and she was eager to exploit my feelings, use them against me to keep me in check. It never mattered, though. Even back then, I would have thrown anyone under the bus with the promise of being with you again.”

I press my lips against the top of her head. The way her hair tickles my nose has me smiling as I remember how many times we’ve laid like this. Both before and after we became more than mere cousins, and every time it’s meant something I can’t put into words.

“One night, after we became Protégés, I think you and Dad went out for dinner, Mom laid down the new law. She wanted me to move into my own house, and…” I trail off and lick my dry lips.

How the hell do I even explain it? When I reminisce on it now, I keep thinking I should have challenged Mom more, maybe even just killed her. Her death would have meant the end of her fucking tyranni. If I did that, though, what would have happened to Cia? Mom never told me who wanted to hurt my cousin.

As I lie here on the soft carpet with Cia half on top of me, I think back on everything that’s happened, as I’ve done a million times before. Except, this time it feels as though I’m looking at the memory through a new perspective.

Was it my mom that wanted to kill Cia all along?

I mean, she never spoke about anyone else. The way she said it…

“Acacia is only alive because you’ve made it worth my while.”

I always thought Mom was protecting Cia from an outside threat, but what if that’s not the case at all? What if…

“What big thoughts are you thinking in that beautiful head of yours?” Cia asks softly, running her nose along my collarbone.

I clear my throat and continue the story. With one hand resting on her hip and the other behind my head, I explain about that night and how I had to agree to break up with her and then start dating Elena.

“Mom always said she was keeping you alive,” I gulp, feeling as though the world is caving in on me and the only thing keeping me grounded is my cousin’s bright, gray eyes. “I always assumed… I mean, it made sense… but what if…”

Lifting one hand, Cia places it on my chin and gently shakes my head. “I can hear your heart pounding and see the sweat gathering on your forehead. Whatever is making you scared, you have to tell me. I don’t want—”

“What if it was her all along?” I blurt out, unable to keep the words contained any longer. “I never even thought about it until now, but it would still fit. Everything she said would be as true as when I thought it was someone else.”

Cia’s eyebrows furrow in confusion, creating a dip in her skin. “What do you mean? Gus, you’re not making any sense.”

I huff out a frustrated breath. “Cia, when I made the last deal with my mom I always assumed she knew someone who wanted to hurt you, maybe even our entire family. Someone she was keeping you safe from. But what if that isn’t the case? What if she’s the one who wants to…” I can’t even bring myself to say the damning words. I take Cia with me as I sit up, positioning her so she’s straddling me.

Looking deep in thought, she nods her head slowly up and down. I get the sense that she isn’t seeing me, though her eyes are still on mine. “So what you’re saying is that she’s verbally abused you, used your love for her and me against you, and forced you into deals like she’s the fucking devil. And all this has been going on for years, is that correct?’

I break our eye contact as I hang my head in shame. “Cia—”

“No!” she snaps. “I want a yes or a no. Is what I just summarized correct?”

As I look around the room, my eyes fall on the glass jar that contains my mom’s fingers. The digits are well preserved within the liquid they’re bobbing in. It’s a grotesque sight, and the water isn’t completely clear—it's muddled with a faint hue of red, undoubtedly because of the blood.

“Yeah,” I admit, swallowing so hard my Adam’s apple bobs.

Cia takes my face into her hands, forcing me to meet her gaze. “You’ve been living with this since you were thirteen? That’s nearly ten years she’s abused you, and you never told me—”

“I know I should have told you.” My guilt makes my voice hoarse.

Shaking her head, she looks at me, her eyes wide and sad. “You must have felt so alone,” she says, surprising me since that’s not how I thought she’d react. “You were just a boy then, and… Gus, I don’t know what to say. How can I assure you that you’re not alone anymore? And you never have to be again.”

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