Page 30 of No Small Sin

Too bad I don’t run.

I usually had Andi to keep my wandering mind preoccupied. I’d had so much I wanted to tell her, and all of those things I needed an outside opinion on — but she was MIA today.

I struggled to keep my thoughts in check as I worked.

Over the years, I’d created a place in my mind — a box, of sorts — where I placed all of my anxieties and insecurities. I kept that shit locked up tight.

But I was feeling confused and super unconfident about this situation with Beck. On one hand, he seemed to really care about me. Was I misinterpreting basic human decency for hiscaring?

Did he evenhavebasic human decency?

I mean, he did go above and beyond when I was sick. I don’t think most people would have reacted that way. Maybe he felt obligated because of the unorthodox tie we had to one another.

It’s not every day that two random people spend time covering up a messy murder together.

Typically, I would choose to shove those feelings to the back of my mind where they belonged.

And keep them there. In the box.

I tried therapy once. Melissa, my therapist, called it a type of selective repression… suppression or some shit. I would rather hide my emotions away than face them.

Of all the things I kept locked down tight, this constantly swirling emotion I felt surrounding Beck was simply the one thing that couldn’t really be contained for any significant amount of time.

We had unfinished business.

He’d said I washis.

Was that only a heat-of-the-moment thing? Did he really mean it?

These thoughts made it hard to be anywhere, doing anything at all — and hard to go home, to sit so totally alone in my feelings.

With a sigh, I wrapped up my shift and clocked out. I thought about all the advice Melissa had given me, the numerous coping mechanisms I’d resorted to that she’d said were unhealthy.

The ways I’d acted out as a teen just for a rush of anything to keep from being overwhelmed by my insecurities.

I still liked to do stupid shit from time to time, to pull myself out of these moods.

I often sought out a bear to poke, and there was one bear I was dying to pokesohard.

If there was one thing I was certain of, it was the look of pure, unadulteratedwantin his eyes and in his actions.

He may not feel any kind of way about me, but there was definitely lust there… and I would use it to my advantage.

I wanted his attention and I knew just how to get it.

I headed up the sidewalk toward my townhouse, unlocked the door, and sprinted to my room, a thrill of excitement washing over me.

This was exactly what I needed.

I stripped and stretched out on my bed. My body hummed with anticipation.

I snapped a picture of my naked tits and texted it to him.

TK

Sucks you’re not around today. My body is begging to be used by you again.

I thought for a moment, then sent another.

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