Page 96 of Pomegranates and Olive

A lump lodges itself in my already painful throat. None of what he’s saying is making any sense to me. "What equation?"

Unable or unwilling to elaborate further, he bends down to kiss me… like that's going to make everything alright.

"Nice try, but I’d rather you were honest with me."

"You want me to be honest? Fine. I can't do it."

"Do what?"

"I'm not going to be the reason that you and Luca can't be together."

"You're not the reason." I try to get through to him, but he sounds so adamant, like he's thought about this for far too long. "You never were the reason."

I can see the love on his face, and for one moment, I almost dare to hope that everything will be alright, that somehow we can work this out. He reaches over and cups my cheek, stroking it softly with his thumb. "I told Aydin I would stay and help him finish out the season. The season is over now, so I can finally set sail before the weather turns."

"By yourself?"

"Fair, kind, and true, have often lived alone."

"If you think quoting Shakespeare will make everything alright, then you're very much mistaken."

"Anyway, I won't be alone. I've got Aslan to keep me company."

Damn cat.

A shiver spirals uncontrollably through my body and I can’t stop shaking. "I don't want you to go."

"I have to. I don't have a reason to stay."

"I'm that reason."

I love you.

"Noaskim, you're not."

I could feel the tears building, but I take a deep breath and push them away. I have to make him understand that he’s wrong, I need him to know how I feel about him. "I am. You are. We are the reason. You said we were."

“I was wrong.”

A sob slips from my mouth. “Do you love me?”

“It doesn’t matter whether I love you or not.” His voice is rough, strained and he stands up to walk to the door. "You're supposed to be with Luca. And my being here… has ruined everything for both of you."

“I asked you a question. I deserve an answer.”

“Yes, I love you, and it’s killing me.”

He loves me.

And God help me I love him.

“Deniz, you need to let me say something now. I know you’re afraid of being hurt again and you tell yourself that you’re damaged and flawed and so wholly unlovable so you can keep self-sabotaging your own happiness by pushing people… pushing me… away to protect yourself, but you need to know that I’ll never be the one to hurt you. And right now it might seem like we have an infinite number of hurdles to overcome but it’s not always going to be like this. I want to be with you, only you. I love you.”

“You may not realise it right now but I’m doing it for the right reasons.” He looks utterly broken before he turns toward the door to walk out of my life. "And once you get out of here, you two can move on with your life without me getting in the way."

"You’re not listening to me! Please. Don’t go, Deniz." Trying to climb out of the hospital bed, things went very blurry all of a sudden. My unsteady legs make standing difficult and I fall to the hospital floor on my knees, bringing my IV and monitors crashing down beside me. "DENIZ!"

I can’t move. I don’t know how long I lay on the floor until someone finds me, and it doesn’t matter, but lie on the floor I do, until a strange kind of calmness washes over me. The whirlwind of thoughts in my mind quiet to a low murmur, and I finally accept this truth... Deniz Yilmaz was nothing more than a holiday fling. He was one night of mind-boggling, orgasm-introducing, hot sex. That was it. And it means nothing… even if it meant everything.

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