Page 18 of Fighting Temptation (Men of Honor 1)
“What the fuck does that mean!?”
“It means that all of you have moved on but me. For the longest time it was always the 4 of us: Kayla and Cooper, you and I. Kayla still has Cooper. You move here and make new friends and a new life so easily. I just had it thrown in my face that what happened between us 6 months ago means nothing to you. While back home I can’t move on because I can’t stop thinking about you and missing you. I know it’s not your fault that you don’t care for me the same way I care for you but it still hurts dammit!” I can’t stop the small sob that breaks free.
“God Julia,” Jaxson pulls me roughly against him, wrapping me in his arms. “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong. Yes I’ve moved on in some ways but don’t think for one second that I’ve moved on from you. I think about you every goddamn day. That night, with you on the beach, fucking haunts me and that bitch means nothing to me just like the rest of them. I know you don’t understand that but it’s the truth.”
“She called you Jax,” I whisper tearfully in his chest.
“What?”
“I said she called you Jax? What’s with that? Only I call you that.” I know I sound immature but it really bothers me.
“I didn’t even notice; she’s someone I went home with months ago when I was drunker than shit and she hasn’t left me alone since. You know I don’t repeat women. She means absolutely nothing to me and she knows now to stay the fuck away from me.”
“I’m so humiliated.” I’m wondering what most of them think about me. I know I shouldn’t care but I can’t help it. I’ve always cared what people think about me.
“I know, I’m sorry, but the only one who should be embarrassed is her, not you Julia.” It feels so good to be held by him that it’s hard to stay mad.
“I’m sorry I called you stupid Jaxson. You’re not stupid, you’re the smartest person I know. And I’m sorry I called you a man-whore, even if you are, I shouldn’t have said it. I was just jealous,” I say crying into his chest again.
Chuckling he rubs his hands up and down my arms, “It’s ok Jules. Believe me you have nothing to feel jealous about, no one will ever mean more to me than you.”
I wish he meant it the way I want him to but I know he doesn’t.
“I knew you liked me more than Cooper,” I say, hoping to lighten the mood.
He grunts, “Believe me Jules, what I feel for you is completely different than what I feel for Coop.”
Before I have a chance to think about that he puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead, “Come on, let’s get the hell out of here.”
We arrive at my hotel 15 minutes later. I go into the bathroom to freshen up and wash my tear-streaked face. I look terrible. I’m exhausted from the flight and the emotional roller coaster that came from seeing Jaxson after six months. I’m still a little upset about what happened at the bar but I know I don’t have a right to be angry with Jaxson. I decide to put it aside and enjoy the rest of our time together. I wish I was staying longer, I’m not ready to leave him in the morning and I’m hoping he’ll stay the night. My heart races at the thought but I tamp it down.
Just friends Julia, just friends, I repeat the mantra to myself. Hopefully one day my heart will start believing it too.
I change into my typical shorts and tank that I sleep in. When I walk out I turn off the main light but keep the lamp on, leaving a soft glow in the room, hoping to mask some of my exhaustion. When I look up, Jaxson is pacing, looking edgy.
“What’s wrong?”
His head snaps up and he sucks in a breath when he sees me, “Why aren’t you wearing any clothes?”
I stare at him like he has 2 heads… “What are you talking about? These are my pajamas.”
“Maybe we should go downstairs to the lounge to catch up?” he looks around wearily.
“Why?” I ask in confusion, but he doesn’t answer. “Jaxson I’m tired, I just want to stay here and relax.”
When I crawl on the bed to get under the covers I hear a pained groan. I whip my head in Jaxson’s direction to see him staring at my ass. Oh boy, the fierce expression on his face causes my stomach to clench.
I look at him now with confusion; turning on my knees to face him I ask the one question that’s been burning inside of me since our scene outside the bar tonight.
“Jax, you say I mean more to you than any other girl, but then why do they all get a part of you that I don’t?”
His gaze snaps to mine and before he can say anything I continue, “It’s no secret I’d give myself to you. I’ve wanted you for so long that some days I feel like I’m going to die a virgin because you’re the only one I want to be with. It’s you who doesn’t want me.”
“Julia! Are you fucking crazy? I want you more than I want anything in my life but I won’t do that to you, you deserve better. You ask about those other girls and it’s because I don’t give a shit whether they can do better. But with you, I care, I care too fucking much.”
My heart squeezes painfully at his tortured admission. I shake my head sadly, hating the pain I see in his eyes, “I’m not better than you Jaxson, I’m better with you.”
Do I push this? I’ve wanted him for so long and now could be my chance. Who knows how long it will be before I see him again. Can we have this night and still have our friendship? I feel like our friendship has already shifted anyways. With that last thought I make my decision. Standing slowly I walk towards him. He glances at the door nervously as if he’s going to run out any second. Once reaching him I wrap my arms around his waist and look up into his heated gaze, “I want my first time with you Jaxson, right now.”
