Page 45 of Resisting Temptation (Men of Honor 3)
Finding him chained to the wall, his beaten and broken body raw and blood-soaked. His eyes wild and crazed from the torture he had to endure because of me. My screams of desperation, as I thought I was about to watch the man I fell in love with be killed in front of me. You can’t break something that’s already broken.
“Faith! Come on, snap the fuck out of it!” At the sound of his muffled command, I snap back into myself. My hands are covering my ears, trying to silence the most agonizing sound piercing through the room, and that’s when I realize it’s coming from me.
“What the fuck!” Jaxson and Sawyer fly into the room. They stare at me in shock and concern as they watch me struggle for breath.
“Out, now!” Cade shoves them and slams the door.
Cupping my face in both of his large hands, he rests his forehead on mine and drags his warm lips across my cold, tear-streaked cheek. “Come on, Red, breathe, baby. You’re okay. Everything is okay.” The sound of his deep, warm voice in my ear and his strong body so close has me able to take in more air. “That’s it, baby, deep breaths.”
The problem is, now that I’m able to take in more air, there is no controlling the hard, painful sobs that rip from my throat. Wrapping my arms around him, I hold him close as guilt strikes my soul. “Oh god, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me,” I sob into his neck.
Feeling him tense, he pulls back and cups my face, his gaze narrowed in confusion. “What the fuck are you talking about? What do you mean, forgive you?”
“I understand now. I really do and I don’t blame you for never wanting to see me again.”
Shock registers in his expression before turning hard. “You think that’s why I stayed away? You really fucking think I blame you?”
“It’s my fault. You are all scarred for life because of me.” I don’t know how I managed to get the words out through my pain.
He shakes his head, and I watch his jaw clench as he struggles to hold in whatever he’s feeling. “No! That’s not true. It’s not your fault, baby. I don’t fucking blame you. I swear, Red, that’s not why I stayed away.”
When he doesn’t explain further, I decide to get it over with and ask. “Then why? Is it because you can’t bear to look at me, after knowing what they did to me?”
I watch his expression turn to disbelief and outrage. “Fuck no! Are you for real right now?”
I stare straight into his eyes so he can see just how serious I am. My breath hitches, and I take a deep breath so I can get out what I need to. “The moment we left that place, you couldn’t even look at me. Then you refused to see me in the hospital.” I watch guilt flash in his eyes and have to look away from him to continue. “I’ve thought about you for the last two years, ached to know that you were okay, and you never even tried to contact me or see me… I could have been dead for all you knew. So I know, it has to either be because you couldn’t stand to look at me, or you blame me.” After seeing his body, and being reminded of what he went through because of me, it makes sense. And no matter how much it hurt that he never contacted me, I can’t blame him for staying away.
I stare at the door, knowing I need to get out of here. Just as I begin to stand, he grabs on to my arms with a strength that makes me gasp and forces me in my seat. “No, you’re not fucking going anywhere. Look at me!”
My eyes snap to his at his command and I suck in a sharp breath at the intensity in his eyes. Pain, anger, and the one thing I thought was impossible for him to feel—fear, they all shine bright in his hazel eyes. My heart pounds in anticipation for what he’s about to tell me. But what he says next shocks me to my core, and is something I could have never expected.
“You lived at 216 Maple Drive in Great Falls, Montana with your mom, dad and grandfather. You drove a red truck, and had a dog named Badger that went almost everywhere with you. Shortly after you arrived home, you saw a therapist named Dr. Alex Mathews. Six months later you started teaching music lessons to kids at your father’s church three days a week, and volunteered at a homeless shelter every Sunday night.”
All I can do is gape at him, his words leaving me speechless. Sliding his big, warm hands up my arms, he cups my neck just under my jaw. “You think I never thought about you, Red? That I didn’t know if you lived or died? I knew everything about you for the first nine months you arrived home and then I stopped because the ache in my fucking chest, at not being able to be near you, was too much. But don’t think, for one fucking second, that because I stopped knowing your every move, that I stopped thinking about you. I have thought about you every fucking second of my life since walking away from you.”
Tears run down my cheeks and spill onto his wrists, where he still holds my face between his hands. I’m not only shocked about hearing this, but that he’s admitting it to me. “Then why did you stay away?” I whisper, feeling even more confused now than ever. I almost regret asking when the cold, hard look enters his eyes again, except amongst the coldness is also fear, despair and self-hatred. And it’s the self-hatred that has another bout of pain slicing through my heart.
“You saw what I did to them. The way I gutted those motherfuckers from the inside out without a second thought, even the dead ones. That is what’s inside of me, Faith; it’s what I’ve always had inside of me. My…”
