Page 66 of Dearest Protector

Rationally, she probably did understand that the show had to go on, but there was no way that didn’t hurt her at that time. Not only was she gravely injured, but she’d had to come to terms with the fact that someone had taken her place in the Swan Lake production, and that she might never dance that ballet ever again.

“Don’t tell me that it wasn’t painful knowing that the show was happening without you,” I said.

“It was painful,” she agreed, her voice melancholy. “To be honest, I encouraged Erik to just stop visiting because I couldn’t stand to hear about it. I regret that now because I pushed someone away who cared about me as a friend, but it was the only way I could get through it. He even tried to call me once I left the hospital, but I just couldn’t return his calls. That part of my life was over, and I wasn’t dealing with my depression well back then.”

“Don’t feel bad,” I insisted. “You did what you had to do to survive, sweetheart.”

“Maybe,” she said, sounding totally unconvinced. “But it was a dumb thing to do. I was even lonelier on my own.”

Her words gutted me, but I tried not to let her see my reaction as I asked, “Do you think you’ll ever remember what happened?”

“I’m not sure,” she answered softly. “The doctor said there’s a chance that I won’t ever recall getting hit by that taxi. He also said that I’d never recover what happened in the ER and in ICU while I was in the induced coma because I was so heavily sedated during that period of time. I think I’d really like to recall exactly why I walked out in front of that taxi. The light hadn’t changed yet according to the police, so the taxi wasn’t at fault. It was me who did something stupid enough to nearly kill me and caused my whole life to be turned upside down. I was always so cautious in New York. It wasn’t like me to do something that idiotic, but all I was thinking about was how late I was for that afterparty. I was distracted and wound up, which is probably why I did it, but I don’t exactly know for sure.”

“You’re not stupid, Ariel,” I said, my voice rough and graveled. “We all make mistakes.”

“But I was usually so careful, Ben, especially with my physical safety because I always had to be in optimal condition to dance. Then again, I wasn’t myself that night.”

“Can you live with not remembering?” I questioned.

She sighed. “I guess I’ll have to because there’s no other option. I thought I’d already gotten over all that. I thought I was okay with not remembering, but these stupid nightmares just bring it all back.”

Every muscle in my body tight, I finally pushed her harder, “Tell me about the dreams.”

“There isn’t a lot to them,” she answered. “I never dream about why I walked in front of that taxi. Things always start after I’d been hit. I dream about the pain, the confusion, and how hard it was to breathe. It was so horrible that I just wanted to give up, but a male voice just keeps talking to me, forcing me to keep breathing and not to give up. So, I keep trying. God, I know that’s probably not what happened at all, but when I’m dreaming, it all seems so…real. Maybe because Iknowwhat my injuries were, I’m able to conjure up a believable scenario. I couldn’t breathe, but I know I had a collapsed lung. My vision is really blurry in the dream, but I also know that I had a concussion and that my head was split open from the impact.”

I watched as her hand went to her barely visible scar near her hairline.

It was a reflexive move, and I doubted whether she even knew she was touching the healed scar.

My gut started to roll as I took her hand and entwined our fingers. “Obviously, it’s very real for you, Ariel. When was the last time you had this dream?”

“Last night. Maybe that’s why I’m thinking about it so much today,” she said. “It’s sporadic. Before we met, I hadn’t had that dream for months. Now, I’m dreaming about it pretty often.”

“What can I do to help?” I questioned, my voice husky.

Hell, if I could turn her brain off at night, I’d do it.

I hated watching her struggle for the truth, especially when I knew I could fill in a few blanks for her, but not without her knowing about everything.

It’s too goddamn soon for that.

She can’t stand up and leave at the moment, no matter how much she might want to do exactly that after she knows what really happened.

It was killing me not to blurt out information just so she no longer had to wonder about some things that had occurred that night.

Ariel shook her head slowly. “There’s nothing you can do unless you’re psychic, and you can use those powers to tell me what happened,” she teased.

Fuck!Other than this discussion about her nightmare, Ariel had sounded so damn happy lately.

She was over the moon about going to Katie’s graduation, and her delight and absolute astonishment about her successful new business was intoxicating to watch.

Ariel was taking her life back and living it exactly the way she wanted.

She was letting the people she cared about in, and she was speaking her mind without hesitation.

It was more than obvious that she was leaving her old life behind and embracing a future without ballet wholeheartedly.

Maybe she still didn’t completely understand why people wanted her artwork, but with every sale, her confidence in what she was creating grew.

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