Page 47 of Blood & Bonds

“Why?” I asked.

“I’ve already explained myself,” he said. “There’s no point in making it more than it needs to be. I refuse to allow you to walk into a nest and let them rip into you without giving you a worthy experience. Master Grey might not understand the significance of why this is important. He only sees the effect of sending you in, how it will help his bottom line. But there’s more to it. Take it from someone who’s been there personally.”

I finally managed to figure out how to breathe the right way, but I wasn’t sure how to speak now. I sucked in a breath, then another.

“What do you want me to say?” I whispered.

“I want you to trust me with this,” he said, taking a step forward. He still kept his distance from me, however. He wouldn’t crowd me, wouldn’t intimidate me in order to get an answer he wanted. “I want you to trust me.”

“Sensei,” I muttered, feeling something shift inside of me with discomfort. “Idotrust you…”

Except…did I?

How could I trust someone who treated me like I was a burden to him the last five years, who refused to train me because he thought I was too emotional? How could I let my guard down around him enough to be intimate with him in a way I had never been intimate before? I didn’t think I could.

Then how are you supposed to do it with a Light Bringer? YouwantDade to be the one to bond with you, but even you know that’s a stretch. What if it’s not — which is the most likely scenario. Do you give up? Do you quit? If you can’t figure out how to be comfortable with someone you know, who’s willing to put themselves in a position they never wanted to be in, in the first place, how could I expect to do my job?

I couldn’t.

I swallowed again, but it did nothing for my dry mouth.

“But you don’t want to do this,” I said slowly.

“Would you rather I did?” Kazu asked, taking another step forward. “I’m not going to sit here and say I’ve been planning this for a while because we both know it wouldn’t be true. I never pined for you, and if I had, this would be a sleazy way to get you into bed.” His eyes flickered up and down my body before locking eyes with me once again. “You aren’t even my type.”

I hated that offense struck me like a blow to my gut. I shouldn’t care what his type was because I shouldn’t care about him at all. But the truth was, Ididcare.

A little.

It was like this pathetic pup inside of me was searching for approval I never got as a child from my own father, and now, I sought it elsewhere, in every prominent male in my ice. Maybe that was why I had no problem agreeing to this mission in the first place, despite the obvious danger that came with it.

“I don’t…what am I supposed to say to this?” I asked.

I couldn’t look at him anymore, not with the heavy burden of an uncertain future and multiple paths on how I could protect myself…if I wanted to. I didn’thaveto go along with this. I could wait…wait for fate to force me into submission due to my obligation to accomplish the mission. But that would mean allowing life to happen to me rather than taking action.

“You don’t even like me,” I repeated weakly

“That isn’t necessary for something like this,” he said. “I know what to do. And I know how to give you the experience you deserve. Whatever happens after, you’ll have something that they can’t take from you…even if they try.”

I sighed. I hated how he didn’t argue against not liking me. Any time I set up Kazu to say something kind, he refused to confirm or deny it.

Maybe…maybe that was refreshing. Maybe he wasn’t going to baby me, and that was a good thing because I couldn’t afford to be babied, especially after accepting a mission I already knew I wasn’t going to like. I might not get out of it as the same person…if I got out of it at all.

This way, I still retained my choice. I still had some semblance of control.

“Will you still be my squad leader…if I agreed?” I asked, perking my brows.

Kazu gave me a long look. “Does it matter either way?” he asked in response.

I hated that answer.

But it was honest. And I shouldn’t care. I had spent the last five years lamenting about Kazu and his lack of attention, how I’d rather have anyone else, and now that there was a chance I might actually get that, I felt…empty at the thought.

Which didn’t make any sense.

“Okay,” I said.

Because at this point, I didn’t have any other choice.

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