Page 64 of Forget Me Not

“What are you talking about?” I sit up straighter against the headboard of the bed. My defenses shoot up, even though I know they don’t have a real reason to because this is Demi I’m talking to.

“Your father left you before you were even born. Your mom worked constantly, and yes, that was for you, but it meant she spent less time with you growing up. Your best friend died. Your sister left you in the most final way that she could.”

“Are you listing all my trauma for fun, as if I haven’t lived through it all myself? Or is there a point to this?” I cut her off.

“My point is, you’re not good at trusting people because anyone you should’ve been able to trust has let you down in the past, or the world let you down on behalf of them. You’ve learned to trust me over the years because I’ve forced you to. I’ve practically made it my life’s mission at points to break down thewalls you had up when we first met. Kade, you learned to trust on your own. You finally let yourself trust someone again. And then he broke that trust.”

“Okay, so you’re making my point. I have some fucked-up trust issues and he made them worse. So, how am I supposed to trust him again? I’m not going to put myself in the situation to be hurt again when this time I should know better.”

“Lo, people are let down all the time. They’re lied to, and they find ways to forgive. Because that’s what we do. When someone we love lies, when someone makes a mistake, we forgive them. We learn to trust again. We don’t shut down and shut people out. But that’s what you do. It all leads back to Lennox.”

I fidget, looking down to where my hands are clasped together in my lap.

“You’re so bad at forgiving people because you’ve never forgiven yourself. You’re so bad at trusting people because you don’t even trust your own self. You didn’t see the signs before she died, and you still blame yourself. You need closure, Logan. You need to read the last chapter of her journal.”

“How do you know I haven’t read it?” I look up, shocked by her words. She’s not wrong about any of it. I just didn’t expect her to bring Lennox’s journal into this.

“Because I read it.” She sighs, looking guilty. “You’re constantly rereading it, constantly reliving the pain, and I wanted to be able to help you, Lo. I had to know what you were dealing with to do that. I know it was wrong, and you can scream at me about it all you want later. But I know you haven’t read the last entry because I have, and there are things in there you need to read. Things I know that you haven’t read.”

“I don’t know whether I’m more pissed at you for snooping through my most private thing or grateful to have a friend like you. You pay attention and do everything you can to help meeven if you know I’ll be mad. If it means being there for me, you do it anyway.”

“You would do the same for me,” she says. “I just want you to be happy, Lo. Anything I can do to help you get there, I will. Even if it does mean I’m a tad overbearing at times.” She laughs, and I join.

“I’m still pissed at you. But you’re a really good best friend, Demi. And as far as trusting you, you may have pushed me, but you earned every bit of my trust.” I smile at her.

“Well, you’ve earned every bit of mine too.” She smiles back. “I know it’s scary, Lo, but just read the last journal entry. Please trust me when I say they’re words that you need to hear.”

I nod at her, and she walks out of my room, closing the door behind her. I open my nightstand and pull out the journal that I haven’t touched in weeks. It feels heavy in my hands, although, in reality, it’s relatively small. The worn leather cracks against my skin, reminding me of everything it’s been through.

I’ve always been scared of reading the last journal entry. I turned the page to it once, and all I saw was the date before I slammed it closed. July 4, 2016. The day she died. I’m scared of what I’ll find if I read it. Does she explain her decision? Does she apologize? Does she address me?

It’s funny. People are scared of the unknown, and because of that, they go out of their way to make sure whatever it is they’re afraid of isn’t known. It’s been my biggest avoidance yet, but I’m tired of letting fear hold me back.

Demi said to trust her, and I do. She’s right, I do need closure. I need to know the last words my sister wrote. I need to try to understand. I need to forgive her, and I need to forgive myself. And most importantly, I need to try to find the acceptance I don’t believe she ever did. I flip open the journal.

THIRTY-SIX

ACCEPTANCE

CHAPTER

THIRTY-SEVEN

Logan

I stare at the final journal entry, or rather the letter. The letter she wrote to me, probably only hours before she took her own life. Demi was right. I have always blamed myself. If I had looked harder, I would’ve seen what I didn’t want to at the time. I would’ve seen Lennox struggling. Maybe I could’ve helped more. Maybe I wouldn’t have walked into what I did.

The day is vivid in my memories. I can’t imagine a time it won’t be. It was the Fourth of July. Mom was working, and I had begged Lennox to come out with me to a party a girl I had met in college was throwing. The party wasn’t even my scene, I had never cared for them, but it used to be Lennox’s. So, I figured getting out and celebrating would be good for her.

I asked her a couple days before and she had agreed to go. I thought this was it, she was agreeing to start living her life again. Then it was twenty minutes until we had to leave, and she told me she couldn’t come. I asked her why and she said she was too tired. At the time, I thought it was a stupid excuse, but now I realize she was more than just physically tired.

I was angry at her. She told me to go to the party without her, and any other day I would’ve told her no. I would’ve stayedwith her. But I was frustrated that she had finally agreed to do something her old self would’ve, only to cancel. I was tired of her being tired. So, in that single moment, I chose to be selfish. I chose to go to the party, and I left her there alone.

I tried to have fun at the party. I tried not to think about her. I didn’t drink because I had driven. I talked to people. I kissed a random guy at midnight whose name I still don’t know. I watched the fireworks and I let myself live my life. It was 12:07 a.m., the fireworks still booming in the sky, that I realized my mistake.

I listened to the loud booms, and I was reminded of what they may sound like if you let your mind trick yourself. My heart sank into my stomach, and I ran to my car, leaving the party behind. I drove home as fast as I could, but I was half an hour away. I had a gut feeling that I never should’ve left Lennox. My mom didn’t get off until six in the morning, and Lennox was all alone while fireworks rang out around her. Fireworks that could very easily remind her of gunshots. That could take her right back to that day, that moment, the worst moment of her life.

I pulled into the driveway and the house lights were off. That was my first clue something was wrong. Then I walked inside, and it was silent. So silent that you could hear a pin drop. That moment was the second time in my life I felt paralyzed by fear.

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