Page 81 of Dan.

Sebastian continues the small talk, despite my efforts to cut it short. All I can think about is the pain Elise has caused me, and how we will never have moments like we did in Capri ever again. I force a smile and give him non-committal answers, waiting impatiently for the conversation to wind down.

Finally, Sebastian shakes my hand again and heads towards his daughter’s apartment, an uncharacteristic air of nervousness about him. As I get into my car, I'm grateful that Sebastian is polite enough not to bring up the cabaret scandal or my conflict with Andries. He must know that I’m tangentially involved at the least, but it’s really the last thing I want to get into right now. With my chest aching, I drive home, a silent tear falling down my cheek as I realize the relationship I had with Elise was all for nothing. My heart is broken, and I can't shake the feeling that Johan will always have a hold on her. I should have never believed that we could make this work.

25

Elise

I standin front of my front door, staring at it in disbelief as the reality of what just happened sinks in. Dan, the man I have finally admitted I want to be with seriously, just stormed out of my apartment after accusing me of betraying him. I can’t believe it. Just hours ago we were lying in bed together, making love and speaking sweet nothings to one another between rounds. But now, it's all over.

It’s not as if I blame him for being suspicious when he found the letter from Johan, but his reaction was so over the top and combined with his refusal to hear my explanation, I’m reeling. Yeah, the photo, ticket, and note looked bad, but Dan and I have become almost inseparable, the feelings between us burning bright and true. How can he still think that I’d want Johan? I haven’t even thought about Johan since Hannah and I’s conversation.

I try to process what went wrong. Dan is so fixated on me saying those three little words that they just feel like ash in my mouth every time I try to. Why is the affection between us––physically and emotionally––not enough for him? I’ve given him so much of myself that it makes me feel empty to think that it’s so easy for him to give me up.

I pace the foyer, vacillating between anger and devastation. I had wanted to explain, but the words had fallen short. He's gone and he might not be coming back. I'm left standing here in shock, feeling like my heart has been ripped out of my chest. I just can't believe this is happening. How could everything fall apart so quickly? I try to hold back the tears but they come anyway, streaming down my face as I realize that things might never be the same. I have to make this right somehow, but I just feel broken.

Then, the door buzzes, indicating that someone is waiting outside. My heart jumps into my throat as I open the door, pulse racing with anticipation, believing it to be Dan returning to apologize and make things right. I jerk open the door, and my hopes are quickly dashed as I come face to face with my father. Dad is the last person I want to see right now, and having him right in front of me all of the sudden makes me rear back slightly.

I don’t say anything, but out of old habits, step aside and let him into my apartment. He walks in with a concerned look on his face, his eyes following me. “Hello, El. I’m glad to see you made it home okay.”

I shrug, crossing my arms and looking away from him. While he shuts the door behind him, I desperately wish he would just reopen it and leave.

In the wake of my silence, Dad scuffs his feet on the floor before speaking again. “I, uh, saw Dan leaving as I came in. It was good to catch up, except he looked quite serious and sad, though.”

I can feel hurt rising within me as I struggle to keep my emotions in check. “Yeah, he was just visiting.”

Frowning, my father tries to initiate a conversation about my relationship with Dan, but I shut him down, my voice cold and distant. “What are you doing here, Dad?” I snap, unable to hide my frustration.

Dad flinches. “I just think we needed to talk, is all. Not about Dan, though. About you and I.”

When I huff and move to walk away, he tries to reach out to me. I’m in no mood to hear Dad blame me for not telling him about the interview sooner, so I brush him off. I don’t need his words of wisdom or his attempts at understanding.

As I stand there, staring blankly at my father, I can’t keep my focus on him. Dan is still taking up all of my thoughts. I can't help but think about all the missed opportunities and the what-ifs. Like if I had done something differently, if I had said something more if I had given him more of myself, would things have turned out differently? All Dan had wanted was some assurance of my love, but it just so happens that it’s the one thing I can’t easily give him.

I’m snapped out of my thoughts when my Dad clears his throat to get my attention. With a glare, I whip around. “Fine. If you’re going to stand here and force me to listen, go ahead.”

He starts, but my father, usually clear and concise with his words, seems flustered. He stops and starts, trying to bring up the fight we had earlier before fizzling out and starting back over at the beginning. His behavior is so out of the ordinary that I feel some of my anger bleed away and curiosity take its place.

“Dad, what's going on?” I ask, as he starts rambling.

He takes a deep breath and finally centers himself enough to make a coherent sentence. “Look. I'm sorry for my behavior, I know it’s hard for you to be stuck between your brother and the company’s interest. But I want you to know that I love you. I always have.”

I am taken aback, my Dad hasn't said those words to me in years. I can't even remember the last time he uttered that phrase. “Really?” I ask past the lump in my throat.

“Yes, really,” he says and opens his arms. “Can I give you a hug?”

I step into his embrace and hug him tightly, overwhelmed with emotions. It’s been such a strange day, full of every possible feeling, that the peace from this hug is so needed. “I love you too, Dad,” I say, feeling grateful that he was so humbled by the meeting this morning. I could have never expected this outcome, let alone so quickly.

My father squeezes me once more before letting go. Now he looks at me seriously. “Can I ask you something?” When I accept, he then asks, “Are you and Dan together? Like… a couple?”

It’s not like I don’t expect this question, but it’s still my first instinct just to lie so we don’t have to talk about it anymore. But this isn’t something I can hide forever, and if Dan forgives me and we continue dating, my parents will know that I lied to them about it. I am very emotional from the hug and everything else that has happened to me in the last few hours, so I dry my tears, saying, “We were. But I think I messed everything up.”

“Why is that?” he asks gently.

I find it hard to open up, especially to my father, but since he has driven all the way down here not just to see me, but to do something as difficult as apologizing and admitting his wrongdoing. So as uncomfortable as it makes me, I decide to tell him the truth.

“Dan is so sure that he loves me and is quite vocal about it, but I can’t tell him I love him. It's messed up, I know, but every time I feel like I want to, I lose my courage and retract. It’s like my tongue gets tied up in knots,” I confess, my voice barely above a whisper.

My father looks at me with a mixture of understanding and concern. “And you’re sure he loves you?”

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