Page 44 of XOXO

“True. The feedback I normally get about being in remission is how strong and brave I am.” I’d admit it made me feel guilty hearing it, like those who’d lost their battles weren’t. Obviously, that wasn’t true at all. But most people didn’t know what to say to someone who’d just gone through an ordeal.

“I got a fair amount of that sentiment too, especially after I returned to school. It was overwhelming, and maybe my parents noticed that because they sat me down for a talk when I was deciding where to attend high school and play football. Dad said I should get a fresh start, and that was the end of the discussion. When he makes up his mind, he can be pretty bullheaded.”

“I can’t help feeling I’m missing something.”

I heard a quick inhale before he said, “My dad has epilepsy. It started when he was a kid, and it took a while to get it under control.”

“Really?” I tried to picture his arrogant father being the least bit vulnerable. You’d think it would’ve helped him empathize with his son. “So what was his experience like?”

“He doesn’t talk about it often, but he said he used to have so many seizures people treated him like he was fragile.”

“Bummer. And it’s absolutely the opposite.”

“Right? I mean, the kids probably didn’t understand what epilepsy was, and the seizures must’ve looked scary to them, especially if they didn’t know how to react.”

“Yeah, suppose so. But the teachers could’ve helped with that, right? I mean, my school held a seminar where a nurse explained about different types of cancer. By the time I returned to classes, the kids were pretty cool and kind.”

“That’s amazing.” I could hear the frown in his voice. “I didn’t have the same experience, and neither did my dad. At the start of high school, he made it clear that my medical history should be on a need-to-know basis and only for adults.”

I felt bad for Mr. Albrecht, but that was quite a reach, wasn’t it?

“It made me feel like having cancer was a dirty secret. My high school experience, on the other hand, was refreshing. The coaches knew my medical history but never made me feel different. It did feel like a new start, which only strengthened my parents’ convictions.”

“That makes sense, but it still doesn’t mean you’d have had the same experience as your dad. Are you sure this isn’t more about him and his fears than it is about you?”

“I mean, obviously. I know my parents love me, but they’ve always been ultra-focused on their careers and our family’s reputation, and I fucking hate that shit.” His laugh was hollow. “And okay, I know what you’re gonna say—”

“That you’re the star quarterback and team captain?”

“Yeah, but that’s different. I’m not trying to prove anything. That stuff just comes naturally, I guess. I didn’t ask for it.”

“You’re right; it’s not the same.” I felt guilty pointing it out.

He was quiet a beat before he said, “Spencer swore he wouldn’t tell anyone until I was ready, and I know I can trust him.”

“How did that feel? To tell someone else in your life?”

“Like a relief. He gets it because his parents have lots of expectations too.”

It wasn’t the first time I felt grateful to have Mom in my corner, and it wouldn’t be the last.

“Do you think eventually you could tell Spencer about…”

“About us?” he blurted in an alarmed voice.

“No, that you’re attracted to guys.” I wouldn’t say the wordgayuntil he was ready.

“I don’t know… You have to understand how toxic it feels in the locker room sometimes. Even the coach says dumb shit, like calling us girls if we mess up.”

“Oh, I can only imagine misogyny and homophobia run rampant,” I replied, my stomach contracting painfully. “I only meant telling Spencer because he’s your best friend. That would be a start. It might help you feel better to get it out.”

“Yeah, but then I’d always be waiting for the ball to drop.”

“And you don’t feel that way about the cancer thing?”

“Of course I do. But sometimes the anxiety about it doesn’t feel worth it. Sometimes I just want to blurt it out to my teammates—if I didn’t think it would get back to my parents. It sucks that my dad and Coach go way back.”

And that his dad had basically interfered in his school life for years, not that he needed reminding.

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