Page 47 of Stuck with the Grumpy Silver Fox

Lifting me off of her, she clears her throat.

“Naturally. Did you go and tell Joaquin? Is that where you were?”

Grandma grabs the handheld cloth fan from the arm of her couch. It’s probably from one of her Caribbean trips. She opens it up and fans it onto her face. She pats her cheeks delicately with her free hand.

“Yes. He knows.”

“And?”

“You’re right. He wants to be with me. With us. He wants it all.”

“Has this man said he loves you yet?”

Oddly enough, I never paid attention to the fact that he hasn’t. Something tells me he thinks he does or may love me genuinely. What he will not do is something he feels may make me uncomfortable.

“No, but I’m sure that’s coming and —-”

“Well, do you love him?”

I swallow. I swallow because I don’t know how to navigate these feelings.

“I’ve never been in love before, Nonna. I don’t know what to look for, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”

I rub my nonexistent preggar’s pouch, thinking about how drastically my body will shift.

“Well, do you feel something special?”

“I know he treats me very special, and when I try to treat him special, he tells me to relax and just be.”

“He’s a giver and wants to be the only giver in your relationship. I’m sure you two will have your seasons of being givers and receivers, but he sounds like a Missouri man wanting to give so much to you.”

I give Nonna a questionable look. Since recording her responses to my questions, I’ve told her several times about how generalizing will make people see her as stubborn, fixed, and judgmental. I know Nonna doesn’t care, but she’s already generalized Hollywood and Hollywood actors and Evergreen and women of Evergreen. The list can go on, but for the most part, whoever reads Nonna’s memoir will have clear examples of why Nonna thinks the way she does.

“Okay. Lots of Missouri men are givers. They give things that matter, not all the decor and jewelry and endless fishy opportunities. They give you real love, a home with a cafe attached to it, and a bonus son.” Nonna winks and nudges me.

“The little boy doesn’t know does—”

“Absolutely not. I just…I have things to contemplate, like maybe staying in Evergreen for a little while.”

“Nadia, do you see how fast life can change?”

I nod incessantly.

“Listen, when I was a young woman, and before my parents took me to Hollywood, I was in love with this guy from Evergreen. He had curly hair and a powerful jawline. You know how we like them.”

I smirk as she grabs my hand.

“A very perfect smile, but boy, did he love me. We both loved each other. We loved each other so much that I promised to return to Evergreen and take him back to Hollywood if I became famous. Well, I did become famous, and when I tried to circle back to see where he was, I found out he was already married and about to have his second son.”

My eyes widen.

“Yes, Nadia. I could’ve been a regular Midwestern beauty with a healthy, happy family. I was so heartbroken when I found out he was with someone. It messed up the shoot I had that entire week. I was filming Phiser’s Song. I was twenty-six at the time, and more than anything, this was when I wanted a normal life. I was so depressed because I was still waiting for Hollywood to spoon-feed me pure happiness. I was blind to the realities of life. I thought that being a star meant I could be anything else. I thought it meant that love and a family would be easy to achieve. Dumb girl, I was. Being a star just made me a star and all the problems that come with it. Constantly surrounded by people that want something from you. Never really knowing who has an underlying agenda. That’s why it was so easy for me to settle with a Hollywood Director. Your grandfather wasn’t a faithful man and loved the idea of me more than me as a person…but I got your mother out of the situation. It was meant for something. But I know that if I were to stay in Evergreen, my family life would look so much different than this. It just wasn’t in my cards.”

She squeezes my hand, “But it may just be in your cards.”

For a quick moment, I imagine myself shuffling items around in Joaquin’s home. Making it warmer as it is already so clean. Such a clear palette he has laid out that’s missing the necessary feminine touches that would make his place truly a home.

“Nadia, if you deeply care for someone you can’t imagine not being in your life… there’s love there. And it is special. Don’t take that for granted. It won’t wait around. No one should wait around for someone. We are all entitled to the lives we desire as long as it doesn’t harm or destroy anyone else. I want that for you, Nadia. You deserve it.”

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