Page 10 of Rhythm Of Redemption

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, it’s always the ones who don’t have kids who come out with that kind of self-righteous shit.”

He’d been patient, but his patience had a limit. “I might not be a parent, but I do know what it feels like to have a mother who, whatever you do, nothing is ever good enough for.”

“Get out!”

“Gladly.” He strode across the hallway, pulling the front door shut behind him. Why on earth had he said that about his mother? Maybe because he knew exactly how it felt to constantly feel like a failure in her eyes.

As Logan’s mind drifted back to his childhood, he vividly recalled the excitement he’d felt when he’d proudly presented his mother with the drawing he'd made of her. He’d spent hours trying to capture her likeness, hoping that if she saw how hard he’d worked, then she’d realise how much he loved her. But her dismissive response and scathing comments had pierced his tender heart like shards of ice. Even at such a young age, Logan had learned a valuable lesson that day: the importance of guarding his emotions and concealing his true self.

Chapter five

If this last week had taught Lou anything, it was that she was not a natural teacher. Dani’s lethargic attitude and complete disinterest in every subject on her lesson plan didn’t help either. Any time she left the room to catch up on chores or to work on the bungalow she’d been re-decorating for the arrival of their VIP guest, travel writer, Serena Rice, she’d return to find Dani’s attention on everything but her schoolwork.

Lou hadn’t known what to make of it when someone claiming to be the PA of travel writer and blogger Serena Rice had called about a booking. Lou had been drooling over Serena’s Instagram posts, documenting her travels for years, and thought it was a hoax at first. Why on earth would someone like her want to stay here? Naturally, once she’d established everything was on the level, she’d pulled out all the stops to impress Ms Rice, maxing out her credit cards to update the fixtures and fittings in the bungalow. The money she’d saved by doing the painting and tiling herself, she’d used to pay for some landscaping work around the pool area to disguise both the age and size of the pool.

Everything had been on schedule and going to plan for once. The pool area looked amazing. Well, maybe amazing was an exaggeration, but it looked a hundred times better than before. All she needed to do was finish the tiling around the bathroom sink and give the bedroom another lick of paint. Then Dani had been suspended from school, and everything had gone downhill. Fast. Lou felt like she was caught between a rock and a hard place. She didn’t have time to babysit her daughter all day. If Ms Rice gave them a good write-up, it could generate a lot of business, which meant more income and then she’d be able to afford to employ someone to help out. But if she didn’t keep on top of Dani and her schoolwork, she was going to fall behind and fail all her exams, and then what?

Lou had tried to reason with Mrs Ellis over Dani’s suspension. She’d explained that it had been a misunderstanding and that Dani’s collapse had been caused by an asthma attack and not as the gossips would have it, a drug overdose, until she’d been blue in the face. She’d hoped that by explaining her concerns over Dani’s exams and not being able to give her her full attention while preparing for Ms Rice’s arrival, she might appeal to her better nature, but perhaps her daughter had been right, the tyrannical head didn’t have a better nature.

Now, instead of catching up with her own work, she was forced to stand over her daughter to make sure her attention was on her schoolwork and not the lizard basking outside in the mid-morning sun on the windowsill or the cartoon character she was doodling in her maths book or the umpteen trips she’d made to the water cooler to refill her glass.

“Dani?”

Dani rolled her eyes dramatically and let out an exaggerated sigh. “What?”

“Have you finished that exercise yet?”

“No, not yet.” She tutted loudly.

“Then get on with it.” She checked her watch, feeling the ever-present knot of anxiety twang in her stomach. Great, another morning is almost over. “You know, maybe if you spent less time daydreaming or doodling in your book, and more time concentrating on your work, you’d have finished by now.” And I’d be able to get on with that tiling.

“Well, maybe if you weren’t so boring, then I wouldn’t be falling asleep every five minutes, would I?” She tilted her head to the side and smiled sweetly.

“Ha, ha. Very funny.” Lou turned away so her daughter wouldn’t see her tears. She tried not to show it, but sometimes Dani’s barbed comments really hurt. Just as Logan’s had.

The funny thing was, she didn’t need him or her daughter telling her what a shit parent she was because she already knew. Did they really think she didn’t second guess every little decision or choice she made a hundred times over? Or lay awake at night replaying her latest argument with Dani over and over, wondering what she could or should have said or done differently? There wasn’t a day that went by when she didn’t ask herself what the hell she was still doing here, scraping by, going without just so she had enough money to cover Dani’s school fees and put food on the table. She might be a shit parent, but at least she’d stuck around, unlike Steve, who’d buggered off to start a new life and family with someone else, without a thought for the people he’d left behind.

He hadn’t even told Dani that Truda was pregnant with her half-sibling yet, despite promising Lou that he would. He was waiting for the right time, apparently.

The problem was, there would never be a right time or a good time to tell the child you abandoned that you’re about to start over with model 2.0. Confirming all their worst fears that Daddy left because they weren’t good enough or pretty enough or smart enough to make him want to stay.

Her breath hitched in her throat. She never wanted Dani to feel any of these things. Steve had left for his own selfish reasons, just like he’d done everything else in his life and he didn’t deserve a daughter as wonderful as her.

Logan had been wrong. Dani could never be a disappointment to her. Yes, she wanted Dani to go to university, but that was only because she wanted her to get a good job and not have to scrimp and save the way she did. She wanted her to have choices and options, to spread her wings and soar and not have her wings clipped by emotional or financial reliance on another person. Dani might not see it, but everything she was doing was for her own good, and she’d thank her for it one day.

“I’ve been thinking.” She turned around to face her daughter, her hands wrapped around her coffee mug.

Dani didn’t even look up from her book. “Here we go.”

“Why don’t we have a party for your birthday next weekend? Nothing fancy, just a few of your friends.”

Dani put down her pen and looked up at her through narrowed eyes. “I thought I was grounded.”

She had a point. Lou had grounded her for a month after what had happened. The blood tests carried out at the hospital had come back negative for any traces of narcotics in her system. She’d still been furious with her daughter for lying and for sneaking into the nightclub, but who was she to talk, she’d done exactly the same thing when she’d been her age. Maybe she’d been a little harsh, but Dani didn’t need to know that. “Well, sixteen is kind of a big deal, so maybe I can make an exception. Sixteen.” She swallowed back tears. “I can’t believe you’re going to be sixteen.”

“Can we not do this again?”

---