Page 61 of Jump

“You want to pull my hair?” Her eyes drop to my lips, then come back up to the bruising high on my cheekbone. “To hurt me?”

“When we’re fucking.” I feel her in the air, pulsing for me, even against her wishes. She wants to run away, but she also wants to run straight into the shower and be with me. “You know we’re good at it. You know we fit.”

“I know you’re my roommate,” she counters, her voice breathy. “I know you’re my best friend’s boyfriend’s boss.”

“Don’t bring him into this conversation,” I chuckle. “I don’t wanna talk about Feeney… ever. But I especially don’t wanna talk about him when my cock is hard.”

“I know you’re probably confused,” she tries again, searching for an out. “The last year has been massive for you.”

“Don’t—”

“You’re grieving, Matt. You’re—”

“Don’t bring her into this! Fuck!” My cock turns soft, and the flutter in my gut changes from butterflies to dread all over again. “Jesus, Viv! Why do you insist on inserting her every single time we have a moment? Why do you do that?”

“Because she existed!” She drops back to flat feet and looks anywhere but at me. “She was real. And she was yours. She was yours first, and now I—”

I snort and shake my head. “He said you’d feel like you’re stepping into shoes you wouldn’t know how to fill.”

“He said…?” Her gaze snaps back to me. “He who?”

“Jack. At the gym. He said you probably feel uncomfortable because she was here first, and now you have to face everyone, knowing you came second.”

“He…” Her eyes glitter with emotion. “He said that?”

“Well… I’m paraphrasing. But yeah. He said if we don’t sort our shit out soon and actually fucking talk, we’re gonna screw everything up. So this is me talking, Vivian. I’m trying to fix us before we break.”

“But there is no us, Matt! There’s me. And there’s you. And you have a metric ton of baggage I’m not convinced you’ve processed yet.”

“Why? Because I don’t want to talk about the past? Because I want to look at you every fucking day and enjoy the view?”

“I want you to look at me,” she implores, “but I can’t handle being compared to her.”

“I’m not comparing! You are! You and I are the only people on the planet who know we’ve ever been more than roommates. And you’re the only one making this a thing. I’m not comparing you to her, Viv. Because you’re not the same. You’re not even close to the same.”

“I can’t be with you,” she whimpers. “I can’t stop thinking about her every time I look at you, wanting more of Ana and Jump. I think about her funeral and see in my mind the man who was handed her helmet.”

Me. That man was me. Or, well, the broken version of me everyone saw that day.

“I didn’t realize he was the same man I met at the masquerade,” she groans. “I had no clue. But now I know, and it eats me up inside, thinking about what people will say if we tell them what we did.”

“Stop caring about what other people think. Fuck!” I grab her jaw and drag her to the tips of her toes to bring her closer to me. To claim her as mine, even if I don’t kiss. Not yet. I don’t take. “You’re letting the fear of other people’s opinions dictate your happiness. My happiness!”

“Matt…”

“I’ve loved before, Vivian.” I set my forehead against hers. I taste her breath and secret it away in the bottom of my lungs for later. “It was fun. It felt good. Fuck, but I enjoyed every second it lasted. And when she died, I had no clue if anyone would come along and let me feel that again.”

“Matt, stop.” Her voice breaks with heartache.

“I went away, Viv. I was filled with poison and a bad temper, and anytime anyone came near me, I spit it at them, like spreading the poison around would somehow make it easier for me. I was a mean prick. But then… I met this woman named Ana. She was an oxymoron, because the woman beneath the name is the furthest thing from chaos and rebellion I ever met.”

“Matt,” she pleads. “Stop.”

“I know it’s early,” I push on anyway. “I know we’re new. I know we started out as other people. And fuck knows, I have baggage—but I’m dealing with it. I’m putting in the work, day after day, and processing the venom instead of throwing it at people like it’s confetti.”

“Matt—”

“I fell in love with a woman after just one night, Viv!”

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