Page 55 of Doctor Dilemma

Well, assuming I could convince Mila that I was, in fact, ready to be a father.

Which I was. I couldn’t convince the motel manager that Bagel wouldn’t bark anymore because I couldn’t make a promise for someone else, but I could make a promise for myself. And I knew that if I could go from being a man who didn’t want a dog to adopting one after spending only a few minutes for it, then I could certainly raise a human baby and love it as my own.

“Guess what, Bagel,” I said. “We’re going home.”

I had convinced myself that I could be a father. Now the only question left was whether or not I could convince Mila.

CHAPTER27

***MILA***

Everything was happening so fast, but that was by design. From the minute Leo left, I’d begun packing up my things, spending every spare moment I could doing it. And, thanks to my impeccable organizational skills, in record time, I was ready to move into my house. No, it wasn’t an ideal situation. In a perfect world, I would have liked a little time to paint the walls and work on the decor before adding furniture, but I’d be able to work around it. Life was all about compromise, and if I didn’t want Leo tempting me to take him back when he returned, I’d need to get out and away ASAP.

So now, I was sitting on my couch, waiting for the movers to arrive. I was really doing this, and there was no turning back.

I was tempted to text Leo my new address, but what kind of signal would that send? Part of me wanted him to reach out and convince me that he was genuine father material, but it would just be a manipulation, right? What he’d said spontaneously was the truth, and the fact that he had to think about it for any amount of time at all was as strong an indication as any that he was not ready to be a parent. Certainly not a parent for my child.

And so he wasn’t going to get the address to where I was living. Rather than send it to him, I blocked his number. And then, for good measure, I pulled my laptop out and set up a filter rule to ensure that any email he sent my way would be blocked. I’m sure there were plenty of other ways for him to get in contact with me, but those were the two big ones and, at the very least, anything else would require him going well out of way to reach me. And by the time he ended up doing that, I’d probably have him out of my system. Or at least that was the plan.

Because for all the anger and frustration I had towards him, I still missed him. I’d wanted it to work out because who wouldn’t? Having him on my team would have been a dream come true. He was a hard worker and caring and quite sweet when he needed to be. The ingredients were there, but they hadn’t quite baked yet. And, perhaps, they’d just sit there in the oven indefinitely, never rising to the level they needed to be. If I’d met him before getting pregnant, I could see giving him more of a chance to get his act together, but as it stood, the timer had run out of sand and we didn’t have the luxury of extra time to play with.

I heard the sound of a large truck pulling up in front of the building and checked out the window. Sure enough, it was the Big and Strong Moving Company van pulling up, and three men who more than met the description promised by the company’s name got out.

I opened the window and waved at them and they came right up, offering me a series of pages on a clipboard to sign. After that was done, they got started and I was impressed by the efficiency as they began to take the large furniture pieces out of the apartment and down to their truck. They knew what they were doing, and the best option for me was to stay out of their way.

So I grabbed my keys and went to the neighboring apartment, the one that still technically belonged to Kiefer, though for the several years of great memories he and I created in there, none compared to the ones I’d made with Leo.

I unlocked the door and walked into the still mostly empty space and took in a deep breath and the subtle, distinct smells that filled every lived in apartment like a fingerprint. Blindfold me and throw me in the back of a van, then take me to a place I’d spent as much time in as this apartment, and I’d instantly know exactly where I was.

It was an emotional moment for me, knowing I’d never breathe that air again. And I knew it was for the best. The easiest way to handle everything would be to just forget it ever happened, but my brain wasn’t going to make that easy for me. Every little reminder of the time I spent with Leo had the potential to send me into a psychological tailspin. But I had something to ground me. I looked down at my belly, knowing my baby was in there and slowly developing until the day I got to meet them.

“I’d give up everything for you,” I told my baby. “Everything.”

I looked back up and felt tears forming in my eyes until I wiped them away. There would be plenty of time for regret, but now I wanted to give myself the chance to embrace the good that I associated with this space. One last time, I’d close my eyes and revisit all the moments that I had with Leo in here before locking them away forever.

The alarm on my phone went off. It was time for my yoga exercises. I got down on the floor and got to work. It was only appropriate to say goodbye to Leo — at least in spirit — doing the same activity I was doing when I first met him.

CHAPTER28

***LEO***

Sometimes I hate this city. And most of the time, it’s when I’m in the car. Southern California might be the most consistently beautiful place in the entire world, with its perfect weather and gorgeous landscapes — it’s why Hollywood came out here. They could film almost any day of the year outside without needing to worry about rain and could find environments that would double for anywhere else in the world (with differing degrees of accuracy), all within a two hour drive from the studios.

And yet, despite this outdoor Eden, people who lived here spent the majority of their time in their cars, sitting in traffic, always pretending like it was somehow okay. New Yorkers honked their cars at the smallest inconvenience. Angelinos just let the flow of the traffic do its thing.

It was infuriating if you actually had somewhere you had to be.

Bagel was happy in the passenger side seat, with the window opened just enough for her to stick her head out and look at all the chaos surrounding us. She obviously didn’t know where we were headed or the significance of it once we got there. I didn’t want to wear myself out dealing with traffic so that I didn’t have the energy to give Mila the speech of a lifetime, convincing her that I was the man for both her and the baby.

But I couldn’t control the traffic. All I could do was control myself. So I took a page from the Los Angeles resident playbook and decided to just be “chill” about it. The traffic was going to do what it would do; sooner or later, it always calmed down, and I always ended up where I meant to be. Mila would still be there in her apartment — possibly asleep at the rate the cars were moving — and I could tell her anything I needed once I got there.

Because she’d still be there. Hopefully waiting for me, as eager to see me as I was to see her.

The apartment was only one exit away and due to the merging lanes, it was always the slowest when going southbound on the 101. Still, with persistence, I managed to merge my way over to the far right lane and get off the freeway, after which it was a never-ending series of red lights leading straight back to the apartment complex.

With each one, I practiced the speech I was going to give in its various forms.

“Mila, look, I know you’ve got a lot to lose right now and a lot at stake,” I said, looking at Bagel for practice. She looked back at me with a blank look, panting with a comfortable smile across her face. “But I want you to know you can count on me. I can give you excuses about why I stalled and didn’t give you the reassurance you needed when we found out the test results, but it doesn’t matter. What matters is, going forward, I won’t give you a single other reason for you to doubt me. From here on until that baby is off graduating from college and curing cancer or saving the rainforest or having kids of their own, I’ll be by your side every step of the way, backing you up and giving you guidance if ever you need it.”

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